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"One Month Summer page 1" by RaeLynn1632

This is the beginning of a new story I'm working on. This is only the first page and a half, so errors are easily fixed. If anybody has a better name than Corey (Coreysu), please tell me. I haven't been able to come up with a guy's generic name.

Category: Book: 1st Chapter

Tags: real life, fiction, little kids

You can do an inline review of this work in the review tab.


Soft whispers hit the window next to my bed. My covers were warm and comforting, matching the sage green Smart Sleep pillow that cradled my head. The warm, puffy stuffed animals from different places around the world warmed my feet. I rolled over and a sliver of bright sunlight reflected off the snow, through my thick curtains, and hit my face. Sitting up, I popped my back and rubbed my eyes. I peered out the window tentatively, trying not to hurt my eyes with the light. One month, I thought, a whole month.

            "Sossy! Sossy," a mess of dark brown hair and way too big hand-me-down pj's flew through my door as I pushed my curtains open.

            "The snow is taller than me Sossy," ignoring the sunlight, he instinctively pushed away the hair off his face revealing pale blue eyes and an almost toothless grin.

            "Wow, really? I bet it could swallow you whole!" I playfully lurched after him, hands stretched out to tickle him. He shot onto my bed and tried to get behind me, but I was too fast. My hands spun around and grabbed him, twirling him onto my lap. Our laughter filled the room. Soon the tickling came to an abrupt halt when there was a knock at my open door.

            "Henryic, are you the one who went outside?" I saw Henryic's eyes get huge. He slid off my lap and very slowly and carefully started walking towards our older brother. He tugged at his own shirt and barely murmured, "I just opened the door…" I could tell that by the time he had made it to Phillipin he had on his signature puppy dog face.

            Phillipin smiled. "It's okay, I was just wondering. But you never know if maybe a big abominable snow man could attack," he dove for the small five year old and they started playfully tugging and pushing each other, running around my crowded room. The natural light from the open curtains shined on the three of us, pulling me into one of my nostalgic flashbacks, which I never dared to fight.

           

 

            For as long as I could remember we had lived in that house. It was old and poorly thrown together when it was first built, the light green paint had been chipping for years, and almost every ceiling fan had to be replaced when my parents bought it. All the doors and windows had been updated and we even had to completely remake the floor for the upstairs bathroom, but we never wished to move anywhere else. It had seen four kids go up through elementary and middle school so far, and I could only wonder what it would see with the fifth.

            I had been been the youngest until my tenth birthday party. My Gran and Gramps had planned for me and my parents missed it. I was livid at first, but that was before I was given the best birthday present anyone in my family had ever been given; an amazing baby brother born on the exact same day I had been. It's been almost six years since that precious day.

            Everyone was super excited to find out what his name would be, seeing as my mom has always loved taking very general names and adding or taking away one or two letters. So far she had Annalie, Coreysu, Phillipin, and me, Sophilia, so it was no surprise when the birth certificate had neatly printed on it Henryic Orlando Parkston. Gran had always said that the reason my mom did that was to make up for the bland name she had always hated: Vicky. To make up for it, she always made people use both her first and middle when she was growing up. Even when Dad said his wedding vows she made him say it.

            "Vicky Ella, I do believe someday you'll forget that you have three names instead of two," he'd always tease. Each time she'd try to look annoyed, but she could never stifle her giggles. It seemed that nothing could ever make Mom angry at Dad, or anyone else for that matter. Even in the darkest, most depressing of times, Mom could always pull out a witty remark, but it was usually followed by a sad sigh and weak smile.

            Some of those times would be when Dad didn't come home when he was supposed to. He traveled the country giving lectures on psychology, hardly leaving time for use. When he was home, it always seemed too short and when he was gone, it felt too long. Mom never worried about him cheating or doing anything illegal, even though most women would. The difference she had was that a year after Henryic was born I came into the living room to see my mom crying at an episode of Oprah. I curled up next to her on the couch and just squeezed her arm and whispered, "Its okay mama, you got your Sophi here, so no more sadness. Okay?" she looked down, and knowing that I would want an explanation for her tears she told me about the woman who had been on the show. She explained that the woman's husband did a very mean thing, and said her crying had been because she was sad for the woman. Later that night, when Dad got home he passed by me coloring in the kitchen. When he asked me how my day was I just stopped coloring and turned around.

            "Daddy, promise me you'll never make Mama sad, okay?" a smile crossed his face and he simply replied, "I promise sweetie."

            In my bed that night, I heard them talking in the kitchen. Dad asked her why I had asked him, making sure that nothing had happened while he was gone. Mom just chuckled as she clarified what I had seen and what Mom had said. I felt like I had accomplished something that would change the way my family thought.




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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy the chapter. The chapter was okay. I really enjoyed the chapter.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the chapter.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not credible, interesting or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters where somewhat credible, interesting and unique. I partially understand their thoughts, feelings, and actions. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters where credible, interesting and unique. I thoroughly understand their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and started to care about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: The Beginning

The chapter did not introduce a problem. I really don’t want to read the next chapter. The chapter introduces a problem for the protagonist, but I don’t know why it’s important and/or it does not feel like an immediate resolution is needed. I might read the next chapter. The chapter introduced an immediate and important problem for the protagonist. I really want to know what happens in the next chapter.

The first chapter, especially the first sentence, needs to pull a reader into the story and make them crave more.

Category Name: Setting

I don’t know when or where this chapter takes place. The setting was inadequately described or inappropriately used. I know when and where the chapter takes place but I can only vaguely picture it in my mind. The setting did not add to or distract from the chapter. I know when and where the chapter takes place. The setting enhanced the chapter and helped me better understand the characters or plot.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

Note: The purpose of ReviewFuse reviews is NOT to provide comprehensive copy editing, but rather to "ignite creativity." Reviewers should not feel obliged to point out every grammar or spelling error (though they certainly can if they wish), but should focus on this area only to the degree that errors make a story hard to follow or understand.

Category Name: Dialog

The dialog caused more confusion than clarification about the characters. It was almost impossible to follow. Some of the dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. I could follow the dialog when paying close attention. The dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. The dialog flowed well and was easy to follow.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1.

2. Soft whispers hit the window next to my bed. My covers were warm and comforting, matching the sage green Smart Sleep pillow that cradled my head. The warm, puffy stuffed animals from different places around the world warmed my feet. I rolled over and a sliver of bright sunlight reflected off the snow, through my thick curtains, and hit my face. Sitting up, I popped my back and rubbed my eyes. I peered out the window tentatively, trying not to hurt my eyes with the light. One month, I thought, a whole month.

3.             "Sossy! Sossy," a mess of dark brown hair and way too big hand-me-down pj's flew through my door as I pushed my curtains open.

4.             "The snow is taller than me Sossy," ignoring the sunlight, he instinctively pushed away the hair off his face revealing pale blue eyes and an almost toothless grin.

5.             "Wow, really? I bet it could swallow you whole!" I playfully lurched after him, hands stretched out to tickle him. He shot onto my bed and tried to get behind me, but I was too fast. My hands spun around and grabbed him, twirling him onto my lap. Our laughter filled the room. Soon the tickling came to an abrupt halt when there was a knock at my open door.

6.             "Henryic, are you the one who went outside?" I saw Henryic's eyes get huge. He slid off my lap and very slowly and carefully started walking towards our older brother. He tugged at his own shirt and barely murmured, "I just opened the door…" I could tell that by the time he had made it to Phillipin he had on his signature puppy dog face.

7.             Phillipin smiled. "It's okay, I was just wondering. But you never know if maybe a big abominable snow man could attack," he dove for the small five year old and they started playfully tugging and pushing each other, running around my crowded room. The natural light from the open curtains shined on the three of us, pulling me into one of my nostalgic flashbacks, which I never dared to fight.

8.            

9.  

10.             For as long as I could remember we had lived in that house. It was old and poorly thrown together when it was first built, the light green paint had been chipping for years, and almost every ceiling fan had to be replaced when my parents bought it. All the doors and windows had been updated and we even had to completely remake the floor for the upstairs bathroom, but we never wished to move anywhere else. It had seen four kids go up through elementary and middle school so far, and I could only wonder what it would see with the fifth.

11.             I had been been the youngest until my tenth birthday party. My Gran and Gramps had planned for me and my parents missed it. I was livid at first, but that was before I was given the best birthday present anyone in my family had ever been given; an amazing baby brother born on the exact same day I had been. It's been almost six years since that precious day.

12.             Everyone was super excited to find out what his name would be, seeing as my mom has always loved taking very general names and adding or taking away one or two letters. So far she had Annalie, Coreysu, Phillipin, and me, Sophilia, so it was no surprise when the birth certificate had neatly printed on it Henryic Orlando Parkston. Gran had always said that the reason my mom did that was to make up for the bland name she had always hated: Vicky. To make up for it, she always made people use both her first and middle when she was growing up. Even when Dad said his wedding vows she made him say it.

13.             "Vicky Ella, I do believe someday you'll forget that you have three names instead of two," he'd always tease. Each time she'd try to look annoyed, but she could never stifle her giggles. It seemed that nothing could ever make Mom angry at Dad, or anyone else for that matter. Even in the darkest, most depressing of times, Mom could always pull out a witty remark, but it was usually followed by a sad sigh and weak smile.

14.             Some of those times would be when Dad didn't come home when he was supposed to. He traveled the country giving lectures on psychology, hardly leaving time for use. When he was home, it always seemed too short and when he was gone, it felt too long. Mom never worried about him cheating or doing anything illegal, even though most women would. The difference she had was that a year after Henryic was born I came into the living room to see my mom crying at an episode of Oprah. I curled up next to her on the couch and just squeezed her arm and whispered, "Its okay mama, you got your Sophi here, so no more sadness. Okay?" she looked down, and knowing that I would want an explanation for her tears she told me about the woman who had been on the show. She explained that the woman's husband did a very mean thing, and said her crying had been because she was sad for the woman. Later that night, when Dad got home he passed by me coloring in the kitchen. When he asked me how my day was I just stopped coloring and turned around.

15.             "Daddy, promise me you'll never make Mama sad, okay?" a smile crossed his face and he simply replied, "I promise sweetie."

16.             In my bed that night, I heard them talking in the kitchen. Dad asked her why I had asked him, making sure that nothing had happened while he was gone. Mom just chuckled as she clarified what I had seen and what Mom had said. I felt like I had accomplished something that would change the way my family thought.

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