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"Error 404" by SyndicatedIrony

Category: Book Chapter

Tags: Horror, dark, non-linear, disturbing, insane, death, murder

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Nick laid, sprawled out listlessly on the couch, his eyes half-shut. He had gone home early, and was just starting to drift off into yet another fitful nap, when Michael walked in.

"What's wrong man?" He said, his voice soft as he walked to the kitchen.

"Molly."

Michael was silent. He walked back and sat on the beige love seat beside the couch. He handed Nick a coke and took a drink of his iced tea, "Molly," He said, his voice dull.

Nick sighed heavily, pressing the can of coke to his forehead, "She hates me."

Michael raised an eyebrow, swirling the glass as he pondered, "What happened?" He said idly.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Michael furrowed his brow, "What? Come on man, you're like my little brother!" Nick and Michael were the same age, only Michael was at least six inches taller, "You can talk to me."

Nick sighed again, "Rob," He said after a while.

Michael's eyes traced the obnoxiously clean apartment, "What about him?"

"She's ***** him."

Michael gagged, "Christ, really? What is he, fifty?" He muttered, pretending to be surprised.

"I don't know. I don't care."

Michael attempted to smile, "We could tell the police that he's raping her-he'd probably get some time for that. Would that make you feel better?"

Nick sat up, the dark shadows under his eyes more noticeable, "The ***** are you talking about Mitch?!" He snapped, "That's messed up."

Michael shrugged, "Just thinking aloud."

Nick rolled his eyes and laid down again, "You know why she said she did it?" He said.

"Cause she's a *****?"

Nick smirked, "Because Rob's going somewhere."

"Rob McCoy is the editor for a newspaper no one reads.  If he's going anywhere, it's down the road to bankruptcy," He motioned to Nick, "You on the other hand, you're a writer for a newspaper no one reads. That's totally diffrent."

"How?" Nick said.

"Because a writer could get discovered. A writer will get discovered," He grinned his signature Michael grin, despite Nick's arm tossed over his eyes, "Youwill get discovered."

Nick smiled vaugely, "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Nick sat up and grinned again, his eyes sad, "Feel better?" He said.

"I guess," Nick leaned forward and popped open the coke and took a hesitant drink. Not a moment later his cell phone rang, Nick pulled it out of his pocket and groaned, "***** man," he said, "It's Rob."

"You're kidding!" Michael said, "Why would he be calling you?"

"Probably to yell at me for ditching work early," Nick answered the call and put it on speaker, "Yes, sir?" He said in a pseudo-polite tone of voice.

"Cut the bullshit Nick," Rob said sternly.

"Well it's nice to see you too, sir," Nick rolled his eyes. 

"Where are you?"

Nick looked around his apartment, "Uh...I'd assume somewhere by Moscow," He snickered, and Michael lightly hit him in the side.

"Nick!" Rob growled.

"My house. I'm at my house, calm down."

There was silence on the other end, "The police are here."

"What? Why?" Nick turned to Michael and mouthed I'm glad I left.

Rob ignored the question, "So are a few ambulances."

"Christ Rob, what happened?!"

"She's dead," Rob said, his voice distant.

Nick tensed up, "Who? Who's dead?"

"Molly."

Nick wasn't smiling now, he stared off into the distant, his mouth agape, "P-Pardon?"

"Killed herself in the break room. ***** drain cleaner."

"What?" Nick managed weakly.

"She drank a quart of drain cleaner," Rob said, his voice cracking.

Nick put the phone down on the table,  and put his head in his hands. Michael leaned forward and bit his lip, fearing that Nick would start crying. He hung up the phone, his eyes locked intensely on his close friends hunched form. After a few forced moments, Nick walked out and got his laptop from his bedroom. He opened it and turned it on with stiff, mechanical movements.

"What are you?" Michael started vaugely.

"Gotta check my email," Nick answered, deadpanned.

Michael winced, and leaned back, taking too big of a drink of iced tea. Nick did a few clicks on his keyboard, and suddenly broke out into soft hitching sobs.

"What?! What?!" Michael cried, jumping up.

Nick didn't answer, and began to rock back and forth, his sobs increasing in volume. Michael grabbed the laptop, and furrowed his brows.

Error 404



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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy the chapter. The chapter was okay. I really enjoyed the chapter.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the chapter.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not credible, interesting or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters where somewhat credible, interesting and unique. I partially understand their thoughts, feelings, and actions. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters where credible, interesting and unique. I thoroughly understand their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and started to care about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: Chapter Ending

If there is another chapter I don’t have any desire to read it. The ending was OK. I am not dying to know what happens next but I am interested in finding out. The ending left me craving the next chapter. I have to know what happens next.

Category Name: Setting

I don’t know when or where this chapter takes place. The setting was inadequately described or inappropriately used. I know when and where the chapter takes place but I can only vaguely picture it in my mind. The setting did not add to or distract from the chapter. I know when and where the chapter takes place. The setting enhanced the chapter and helped me better understand the characters or plot.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

Note: The purpose of ReviewFuse reviews is NOT to provide comprehensive copy editing, but rather to "ignite creativity." Reviewers should not feel obliged to point out every grammar or spelling error (though they certainly can if they wish), but should focus on this area only to the degree that errors make a story hard to follow or understand.

Category Name: Dialog

The dialog caused more confusion than clarification about the characters. It was almost impossible to follow. Some of the dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. I could follow the dialog when paying close attention. The dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. The dialog flowed well and was easy to follow.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1.

2. Nick laid, sprawled out listlessly on the couch, his eyes half-shut. He had gone home early, and was just starting to drift off into yet another fitful nap, when Michael walked in.

3. "What's wrong man?" He said, his voice soft as he walked to the kitchen.

4. "Molly."

5. Michael was silent. He walked back and sat on the beige love seat beside the couch. He handed Nick a coke and took a drink of his iced tea, "Molly," He said, his voice dull.

6. Nick sighed heavily, pressing the can of coke to his forehead, "She hates me."

7. Michael raised an eyebrow, swirling the glass as he pondered, "What happened?" He said idly.

8. "I don't want to talk about it."

9. Michael furrowed his brow, "What? Come on man, you're like my little brother!" Nick and Michael were the same age, only Michael was at least six inches taller, "You can talk to me."

10. Nick sighed again, "Rob," He said after a while.

11. Michael's eyes traced the obnoxiously clean apartment, "What about him?"

12. "She's ***** him."

13. Michael gagged, "Christ, really? What is he, fifty?" He muttered, pretending to be surprised.

14. "I don't know. I don't care."

15. Michael attempted to smile, "We could tell the police that he's raping her-he'd probably get some time for that. Would that make you feel better?"

16. Nick sat up, the dark shadows under his eyes more noticeable, "The ***** are you talking about Mitch?!" He snapped, "That's messed up."

17. Michael shrugged, "Just thinking aloud."

18. Nick rolled his eyes and laid down again, "You know why she said she did it?" He said.

19. "Cause she's a *****?"

20. Nick smirked, "Because Rob's going somewhere."

21. "Rob McCoy is the editor for a newspaper no one reads.  If he's going anywhere, it's down the road to bankruptcy," He motioned to Nick, "You on the other hand, you're a writer for a newspaper no one reads. That's totally diffrent."

22. "How?" Nick said.

23. "Because a writer could get discovered. A writer will get discovered," He grinned his signature Michael grin, despite Nick's arm tossed over his eyes, "Youwill get discovered."

24. Nick smiled vaugely, "Yeah?"

25. "Yeah," Nick sat up and grinned again, his eyes sad, "Feel better?" He said.

26. "I guess," Nick leaned forward and popped open the coke and took a hesitant drink. Not a moment later his cell phone rang, Nick pulled it out of his pocket and groaned, "***** man," he said, "It's Rob."

27. "You're kidding!" Michael said, "Why would he be calling you?"

28. "Probably to yell at me for ditching work early," Nick answered the call and put it on speaker, "Yes, sir?" He said in a pseudo-polite tone of voice.

29. "Cut the bullshit Nick," Rob said sternly.

30. "Well it's nice to see you too, sir," Nick rolled his eyes. 

31. "Where are you?"

32. Nick looked around his apartment, "Uh...I'd assume somewhere by Moscow," He snickered, and Michael lightly hit him in the side.

33. "Nick!" Rob growled.

34. "My house. I'm at my house, calm down."

35. There was silence on the other end, "The police are here."

36. "What? Why?" Nick turned to Michael and mouthed I'm glad I left.

37. Rob ignored the question, "So are a few ambulances."

38. "Christ Rob, what happened?!"

39. "She's dead," Rob said, his voice distant.

40. Nick tensed up, "Who? Who's dead?"

41. "Molly."

42. Nick wasn't smiling now, he stared off into the distant, his mouth agape, "P-Pardon?"

43. "Killed herself in the break room. ***** drain cleaner."

44. "What?" Nick managed weakly.

45. "She drank a quart of drain cleaner," Rob said, his voice cracking.

46. Nick put the phone down on the table,  and put his head in his hands. Michael leaned forward and bit his lip, fearing that Nick would start crying. He hung up the phone, his eyes locked intensely on his close friends hunched form. After a few forced moments, Nick walked out and got his laptop from his bedroom. He opened it and turned it on with stiff, mechanical movements.

47. "What are you?" Michael started vaugely.

48. "Gotta check my email," Nick answered, deadpanned.

49. Michael winced, and leaned back, taking too big of a drink of iced tea. Nick did a few clicks on his keyboard, and suddenly broke out into soft hitching sobs.

50. "What?! What?!" Michael cried, jumping up.

51. Nick didn't answer, and began to rock back and forth, his sobs increasing in volume. Michael grabbed the laptop, and furrowed his brows.

52. Error 404

53.

54.

Reviews that have been completed within the last 30 days

  • See the full page version of this review yinarchy - Feb 19, 2012

    (8 stars) more »

    Error 404 is quite intriguing. I must say, it got off a little slow, but I would definitely read more.

    (6 stars) more »

    The characters were developed through the action very cleverly.

    (8 stars) more »

    Really left me wanting more.

    (7 stars) more »

    Just the way the characters acted showed the setting.

    (6 stars) more »

    Could use a little work, but overall good.

    (6 stars) more »

    The dialog itself was good, but some times it seemed you added to much explaining how it was said. At one point, I think you may have mixed up Nick with Micheal.