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"Predator and Prey" by rikredus

A con man hustles his way through an unfulfilled life only to reap the seeds he has sown.

Category: Short Story

Tags: Short story, Thriller.

You can do an inline review of this work in the review tab.

                                                                               Predator and Prey




He rested on his stomach deep in the abrasive underbrush of rural South Texas.  His stomach occasionally rumbled with hunger and he cursed himself for not eating something before leaving his motel room that evening. Low blood sugar causes trembling hands, which affected accuracy. Except for the faint sound of the nearby Nueces River, it was unusually quiet in the humid darkness. He lay motionless for nearly an hour before slowly tilting his head to the left to crack his neck, which sounded like a tree branch succumbing to the weight of a thousand icicles on a still night. “Ouch,” he whispered before gently repositioning his head above the instrument of his trade. His sight re-focused on a sliding glass door in the rear of an old mobile home in the distance. The view inside was obscured by a partially draw curtain but he could still make out a reclining chair next to a small table in a dimly lit room. “Any time now,” he whispered patiently.

The night’s repose was the usual short and shallow for Mr. Paul Nathaniel Gannon. This was undoubtedly caused by all the nicotine and caffeine he habitually absorbed during the day. His first cigarette was already lit when he shut off the alarm clock, which he did with an authoritative slap. He got out of bed in the same manor one would step out of a vehicle after a fender bender, inconvenienced and irritated. He began coughing violently as he walked into the kitchen to turn on the coffee maker. The average person would have put out the cigarette but Paul, whose face was now an angry crimson, just hacked up into the sink then paused a bit before taking another long puff. He stared out of the window above the sink for a few moments and thought about the money he had saved over the years.

Someday soon I will wake up when I feel like it and it will be down on a beach in Belize.

Within half an hour Paul was wearing an unwashed suit that he had worn earlier that week. A short heavyset man in his late forties, Paul looked like he may have been in shape at one time. Personal hygiene was not a priority in his life. Even after the occasional morning shower he always started the day smelling of cheap cologne mixed with a garlicky type of body odor. He finished the day smelling like an ashtray. Paul went back into the kitchen and grabbed a damp and smelly sponge from under the sink and vigorously attempted to scrub a crusty mustard stain out of his large paisley tie. Much of Paul’s wardrobe came from garage sales or second hand stores and therefore was considerably outdated. Satisfied with his effort he dropped the sponge into the sink and then poured some coffee into a large plastic cup, which still had a bit of coffee in it from the previous morning.   

After pulling a box of pizza that he had ordered the night before –stiffing the delivery boy out of a tip- from the refrigerator and lighting another smoke, he phoned his current assistant who was an attractive red headed who had recently graduated from high school and didn’t mind working for minimum wage. Paul always hired her type no matter who else answered his ads for office help.

 “Lisa,” he said without even saying good morning first. “Have I had any calls?”

 He then listened for a moment as he chewed the cold pizza loudly into the phone.

 “Okay baby,” he said as smoothly as possible while rudely smacking his lips. He always flirted with the help and was amazed that none of the girls hired in the past had ever filed sexual harassment charges against him. It would be their word against his anyway, he always told himself. After a moment of discussing work issues and several more moments discussing her day’s attire, Paul hung up the phone and went into his bedroom to access his laptop computer.

 The floor of the old mobile home creaked loudly as Paul moved around on it. He usually rented a small apartment but an old business partner gave him a great rate on his current residence, even if it was deep in South Texas deer hunting country. He was certain that he would be moving on shortly anyway. After several hours of pecking at the keys, Paul closed his laptop and slid it under the bed. He would rather have a desk top computer but a laptop could be disposed of a lot faster. He needed to get to the Post Office to check his box, which always made him a bit nervous. Paul never used an actual address on any of his outgoing mail just in case some disgruntled victim might want to track him down. He did not worry too much about it and was sure that most of the people who paid for his scams knew the risk. Paul had several scams and some worked better in certain states than others. He also worked various types of door-to-door operations while he was in a particular town or city. Sometimes it involved home remodeling or selling subscriptions to magazines or newspapers. He probably owed just as much money to the people he conned into working door-to-door for him as he did the residents he ripped off. It was no problem changing the name of his business as well as his own, which he did often to fool the Better Business Bureau or any local Consumer Affairs Office. Paul sometimes thought that if he applied as much effort to a legitimate job, he would probably make just as much if not more money, but concluded it would just be too boring for him.

Paul pulled up to a small Post Office on the outskirts of a nearby suburb. His office was on the other side of the city where far less municipal tax or bond dollars were spent to make the area more appealing for tourists. He always waited until nobody else was inside getting mail before exiting his vehicle. Anyone could steak out a Post Office and wait until someone came to open the P.O. Box printed on the return envelopes he mailed out. He usually sent his assistant to get the mail, but he overslept and was in a hurry today. Once the P.O. Box room was clear, Paul hustled inside and unlocked his box and threw the contents into a tattered briefcase then quickly left. He never spoke to or made eye contact with anyone that he came across in any Post Office.  He drove away as fast as possible without drawing any attention and stopped at a small restaurant on the way to his office. South Texas had no shortage of small family owned restaurants where one could buy an enormous taquito for a little over a dollar and Paul did just that. The thought never occurred to him to get something for Lisa.

 

Paul entered his office with a loud, “What’s up girl?” He walked past Lisa who sat near the door at a type of long table one finds in public school cafeterias. He strolled over to a smaller table in the rear corner of the room and threw his briefcase and the bag with his lunch on top. “You are looking rather scrumptious today,” Paul said. He was not even looking in her direction. He was too busy trying to unlock the old briefcase, which was sometimes difficult due to the rusty, built in combination lock. After several attempts Paul finally snapped open the case and dumped out the mail and immediately made a beeline for the coffee machine, which was at the other end of the table where Lisa sat. He poured himself a large cup and then returned to the stack of mail and began sorting it into various piles. Lisa spent most of the day alone and was always very uncomfortable around Paul.

 “Can I go to lunch now?” she asked.

“Sure thing sweetie,” he replied without looking up.

“Just hurry back because I have an appointment in half an hour.” Lisa grabbed her purse, which was on the floor next to her plush office chair that she bought with her own money, and quickly left. Paul looked up from his mail to catch a glimpse of her leaving.

“Make sure you get some fries to go with that shake girl,” he said after the tinted glass door was safely shut behind her.

Paul received nearly fifty responses in the mail that day, each with a check, money order, or credit card number enclosed. He would have Lisa send out the “How to get Rich” books when she got back from lunch. The books were cheaply made at a local office supply store and contained common sense financial advice along with some tax information. Paul once took a course on how to prepare taxes for people, which he did occasionally for extra income. He mainly took the course to learn just how much tax fraud one could get away with without drawing the attention of the IRS. That is how Paul operated all phases of his business. Most of his mail scams were usually very close to violating postal lottery and fraud statutes when he first set them up but they always crossed the line eventually. He knew how avoid postal inspectors well enough.

Lisa returned from lunch half an hour later carrying a bottle of water. She sat back down and set her purse at her feet again and placed the water next to the phone on her desk.

“How was lunch?” Paul asked.

“I met my boyfriend at the Chinese place down the street,” she replied, making sure to mention the word “Boyfriend.” Paul stared at her momentarily and then walked over and handed her a list.

“These need to go out by the end of the day,” he said coldly.  He then walked back over to the small desk and grabbed all the checks and money orders he was going to deposit in various bank accounts later. He did not have the merchandising equipment to process credit cards but had a friend who could do it for him for a fee.  Paul made a few calls and then left the office advising Lisa to lock up if he did not get back before closing time. He spent the next few hours running errands eventually pulling into a restaurant parking lot where a group of teenage boys stood in a circle. He pulled along side the boys and jumped out of the vehicle.

 “Good afternoon gentlemen,” he said loudly as he hurried to the trunk of his old luxury sedan and popped it open. He grabbed some large brown envelopes from an oil soaked box and handed them out to the boys who had gathered behind him. After a brief pep talk, which he delivered every day as he handed out assignments, Paul had each of the boys sign some carefully worded documents. The documents where basically receipts hidden within paragraphs of irrelevant jargon; they later could be used as proof that he had paid them cash for their work.

After assigning each boy a neighborhood to canvas, Paul went inside the restaurant for some more coffee and a slice of apple pie a la mode. He came out after 5:00 pm and decided to sit down outside and enjoy a few cigarettes and wait for the traffic to die down. He sat on the hood of his car and wondered how difficult running an online scam would be.Anacquaintance of Paul belonged to a network of online scam artists who sold and traded people’s email addresses and personal information to one another. He recently told Paul he was making money hand over fist.  As Paul contemplated possible future ventures he was again plagued by an attack of violent coughing. Lately he was guzzling cough syrup right out of the bottle and he was buying more and more bottles every week. He dreaded doctor visits and had little faith in modern medicine but began to think it was probably time to make an appointment.  As the Sun began to paint the evening sky red, Paul decided it was time to head home.

 It was silent ride home except for the occasional bout of coughing. When he entered his home he went right to the bedroom and attempted to take a nap but was not very successful. After a couple of hours of coughing, twitching, and passing gas, Paul got frustrated and threw his pillow against the wall. “***** it!” he yelled as he kicked his comforter over the foot of the bed and jumped out. He stomped into the kitchen and grabbed a large metal tray from the top of the refrigerator and threw the rest of the pizza, some chips, and a strawberry soda onto it. He went into the den in the rear of the mobile home and set the tray on a lamp table and picked up the television remote, which had been in a nearby recliner. He sat down and turned on the television. The batteries in the remote were low so he had to hold it at various angles and continuously mash down on the buttons to change the channels and adjust the volume. The tip of his thumb was sore from doing so for the past few nights.

Paul found a movie he liked he set the remote down on the table below the lamp that was still on from the night before and picked up his soda. As he popped it open he began to cough loudly again. The dry hacking sound obscured the high-pitched chime of breaking glass. The pain in his chest was as surprising as it was intense. As he brought his hand up to his chest, he began to feel very cold and tired. Paul slowly slumped forward in the chair. His fingers feeling the wet and warm hole now in his chest as the soda can hit the floor. Red liquid trickled out as his eyes shut.

Otto Lawrence quickly pushed himself up onto his knees and rested the butt of a scoped hunting rifle on his right thigh. The sound of the gunshot still reverberated across the rural South Texas landscape. He stood up and slung the rifle onto his back with the barrel pointing upward and quickly headed toward a kayak concealed in the tall reeds of the nearby river. It was only half a mile from there to his truck and then only a thirty-minute drive to his motel. He needed to prepare for the long trip to Phoenix in the morning where he planned to see a man that was currently a running real estate investment scam.




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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy this story. I am not even sure what problem the protagonist faced. This story was okay. The story would have been better if the author had introduced the problem differently and made it feel more pressing. I really enjoyed this story. The author did a good job pulling me into the story by introducing an immediate and important problem for the protagonist.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the story.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters were somewhat dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I partially understood the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the characters. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters were very dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I thoroughly understood their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and cared about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: Plot

I finished reading the story so the plot must have unfolded, but I am not sure what the plot was. The characters did not achieve or grow by solving the problems they faced in this story. There were definite wrinkles in the way the plot unfolded leading to the final conflict. The plot was loosely tied to the achievement and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame some of the problems flowed unnaturally with the story. I could see the plot unfolding through a series of escalating problems that lead to the final conflict. The plot helped me understand the achievements and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame the problems flowed naturally with the st

In fiction a plot is all the events in a story, particularly rendered towards the achievement of some particular artistic or emotional effect. In other words it's what mostly happened in the story. The plot draws the reader into the character's lives and helps the reader understand the choices that the characters make.

Category Name: Dialog

The dialog seemed like cold words on paper. I had a hard time following it. I didn’t learn very much about the characters through the dialog. Through the dialog I could sometimes see the characters learn and grow while occasionally discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was generally consistent with the character. Through the dialog I could see the characters learn and grow while simultaneously discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was true to the character and it helped me understand the characters emotions.

Category Name: Setting

The setting created a haze in my mind that detracted from the story. I am lost in time and space because I don’t know when or where this story takes place. The setting was described adequately, but not well enough to bring it to life in my mind. The setting did not add to or detract from the story. I am pretty sure I know when and where the story takes place. The author engaged all of my senses while vividly describing the setting. The setting helped me better understand the setting and plot. I know when and where this story takes place.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

Note: The purpose of ReviewFuse reviews is NOT to provide comprehensive copy editing, but rather to "ignite creativity." Reviewers should not feel obliged to point out every grammar or spelling error (though they certainly can if they wish), but should focus on this area only to the degree that errors make a story hard to follow or understand.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1.                                                                                Predator and Prey

2.

3.

4.

5. He rested on his stomach deep in the abrasive underbrush of rural South Texas.  His stomach occasionally rumbled with hunger and he cursed himself for not eating something before leaving his motel room that evening. Low blood sugar causes trembling hands, which affected accuracy. Except for the faint sound of the nearby Nueces River, it was unusually quiet in the humid darkness. He lay motionless for nearly an hour before slowly tilting his head to the left to crack his neck, which sounded like a tree branch succumbing to the weight of a thousand icicles on a still night. “Ouch,” he whispered before gently repositioning his head above the instrument of his trade. His sight re-focused on a sliding glass door in the rear of an old mobile home in the distance. The view inside was obscured by a partially draw curtain but he could still make out a reclining chair next to a small table in a dimly lit room. “Any time now,” he whispered patiently.

6.

7. The night’s repose was the usual short and shallow for Mr. Paul Nathaniel Gannon. This was undoubtedly caused by all the nicotine and caffeine he habitually absorbed during the day. His first cigarette was already lit when he shut off the alarm clock, which he did with an authoritative slap. He got out of bed in the same manor one would step out of a vehicle after a fender bender, inconvenienced and irritated. He began coughing violently as he walked into the kitchen to turn on the coffee maker. The average person would have put out the cigarette but Paul, whose face was now an angry crimson, just hacked up into the sink then paused a bit before taking another long puff. He stared out of the window above the sink for a few moments and thought about the money he had saved over the years.

8. Someday soon I will wake up when I feel like it and it will be down on a beach in Belize.

9.

10. Within half an hour Paul was wearing an unwashed suit that he had worn earlier that week. A short heavyset man in his late forties, Paul looked like he may have been in shape at one time. Personal hygiene was not a priority in his life. Even after the occasional morning shower he always started the day smelling of cheap cologne mixed with a garlicky type of body odor. He finished the day smelling like an ashtray. Paul went back into the kitchen and grabbed a damp and smelly sponge from under the sink and vigorously attempted to scrub a crusty mustard stain out of his large paisley tie. Much of Paul’s wardrobe came from garage sales or second hand stores and therefore was considerably outdated. Satisfied with his effort he dropped the sponge into the sink and then poured some coffee into a large plastic cup, which still had a bit of coffee in it from the previous morning.   

11.

12. After pulling a box of pizza that he had ordered the night before –stiffing the delivery boy out of a tip- from the refrigerator and lighting another smoke, he phoned his current assistant who was an attractive red headed who had recently graduated from high school and didn’t mind working for minimum wage. Paul always hired her type no matter who else answered his ads for office help.

13.  “Lisa,” he said without even saying good morning first. “Have I had any calls?”

14.

15.  He then listened for a moment as he chewed the cold pizza loudly into the phone.

16.

17.  “Okay baby,” he said as smoothly as possible while rudely smacking his lips. He always flirted with the help and was amazed that none of the girls hired in the past had ever filed sexual harassment charges against him. It would be their word against his anyway, he always told himself. After a moment of discussing work issues and several more moments discussing her day’s attire, Paul hung up the phone and went into his bedroom to access his laptop computer.

18.

19.  The floor of the old mobile home creaked loudly as Paul moved around on it. He usually rented a small apartment but an old business partner gave him a great rate on his current residence, even if it was deep in South Texas deer hunting country. He was certain that he would be moving on shortly anyway. After several hours of pecking at the keys, Paul closed his laptop and slid it under the bed. He would rather have a desk top computer but a laptop could be disposed of a lot faster. He needed to get to the Post Office to check his box, which always made him a bit nervous. Paul never used an actual address on any of his outgoing mail just in case some disgruntled victim might want to track him down. He did not worry too much about it and was sure that most of the people who paid for his scams knew the risk. Paul had several scams and some worked better in certain states than others. He also worked various types of door-to-door operations while he was in a particular town or city. Sometimes it involved home remodeling or selling subscriptions to magazines or newspapers. He probably owed just as much money to the people he conned into working door-to-door for him as he did the residents he ripped off. It was no problem changing the name of his business as well as his own, which he did often to fool the Better Business Bureau or any local Consumer Affairs Office. Paul sometimes thought that if he applied as much effort to a legitimate job, he would probably make just as much if not more money, but concluded it would just be too boring for him.

20.

21. Paul pulled up to a small Post Office on the outskirts of a nearby suburb. His office was on the other side of the city where far less municipal tax or bond dollars were spent to make the area more appealing for tourists. He always waited until nobody else was inside getting mail before exiting his vehicle. Anyone could steak out a Post Office and wait until someone came to open the P.O. Box printed on the return envelopes he mailed out. He usually sent his assistant to get the mail, but he overslept and was in a hurry today. Once the P.O. Box room was clear, Paul hustled inside and unlocked his box and threw the contents into a tattered briefcase then quickly left. He never spoke to or made eye contact with anyone that he came across in any Post Office.  He drove away as fast as possible without drawing any attention and stopped at a small restaurant on the way to his office. South Texas had no shortage of small family owned restaurants where one could buy an enormous taquito for a little over a dollar and Paul did just that. The thought never occurred to him to get something for Lisa.

22.  

23. Paul entered his office with a loud, “What’s up girl?” He walked past Lisa who sat near the door at a type of long table one finds in public school cafeterias. He strolled over to a smaller table in the rear corner of the room and threw his briefcase and the bag with his lunch on top. “You are looking rather scrumptious today,” Paul said. He was not even looking in her direction. He was too busy trying to unlock the old briefcase, which was sometimes difficult due to the rusty, built in combination lock. After several attempts Paul finally snapped open the case and dumped out the mail and immediately made a beeline for the coffee machine, which was at the other end of the table where Lisa sat. He poured himself a large cup and then returned to the stack of mail and began sorting it into various piles. Lisa spent most of the day alone and was always very uncomfortable around Paul.

24.

25.  “Can I go to lunch now?” she asked.

26.

27. “Sure thing sweetie,” he replied without looking up.

28.

29. “Just hurry back because I have an appointment in half an hour.” Lisa grabbed her purse, which was on the floor next to her plush office chair that she bought with her own money, and quickly left. Paul looked up from his mail to catch a glimpse of her leaving.

30.

31. “Make sure you get some fries to go with that shake girl,” he said after the tinted glass door was safely shut behind her.

32.

33. Paul received nearly fifty responses in the mail that day, each with a check, money order, or credit card number enclosed. He would have Lisa send out the “How to get Rich” books when she got back from lunch. The books were cheaply made at a local office supply store and contained common sense financial advice along with some tax information. Paul once took a course on how to prepare taxes for people, which he did occasionally for extra income. He mainly took the course to learn just how much tax fraud one could get away with without drawing the attention of the IRS. That is how Paul operated all phases of his business. Most of his mail scams were usually very close to violating postal lottery and fraud statutes when he first set them up but they always crossed the line eventually. He knew how avoid postal inspectors well enough.

34.

35. Lisa returned from lunch half an hour later carrying a bottle of water. She sat back down and set her purse at her feet again and placed the water next to the phone on her desk.

36.

37. “How was lunch?” Paul asked.

38.

39. “I met my boyfriend at the Chinese place down the street,” she replied, making sure to mention the word “Boyfriend.” Paul stared at her momentarily and then walked over and handed her a list.

40.

41. “These need to go out by the end of the day,” he said coldly.  He then walked back over to the small desk and grabbed all the checks and money orders he was going to deposit in various bank accounts later. He did not have the merchandising equipment to process credit cards but had a friend who could do it for him for a fee.  Paul made a few calls and then left the office advising Lisa to lock up if he did not get back before closing time. He spent the next few hours running errands eventually pulling into a restaurant parking lot where a group of teenage boys stood in a circle. He pulled along side the boys and jumped out of the vehicle.

42.

43.  “Good afternoon gentlemen,” he said loudly as he hurried to the trunk of his old luxury sedan and popped it open. He grabbed some large brown envelopes from an oil soaked box and handed them out to the boys who had gathered behind him. After a brief pep talk, which he delivered every day as he handed out assignments, Paul had each of the boys sign some carefully worded documents. The documents where basically receipts hidden within paragraphs of irrelevant jargon; they later could be used as proof that he had paid them cash for their work.

44.

45. After assigning each boy a neighborhood to canvas, Paul went inside the restaurant for some more coffee and a slice of apple pie a la mode. He came out after 5:00 pm and decided to sit down outside and enjoy a few cigarettes and wait for the traffic to die down. He sat on the hood of his car and wondered how difficult running an online scam would be.Anacquaintance of Paul belonged to a network of online scam artists who sold and traded people’s email addresses and personal information to one another. He recently told Paul he was making money hand over fist.  As Paul contemplated possible future ventures he was again plagued by an attack of violent coughing. Lately he was guzzling cough syrup right out of the bottle and he was buying more and more bottles every week. He dreaded doctor visits and had little faith in modern medicine but began to think it was probably time to make an appointment.  As the Sun began to paint the evening sky red, Paul decided it was time to head home.

46.

47.  It was silent ride home except for the occasional bout of coughing. When he entered his home he went right to the bedroom and attempted to take a nap but was not very successful. After a couple of hours of coughing, twitching, and passing gas, Paul got frustrated and threw his pillow against the wall. “***** it!” he yelled as he kicked his comforter over the foot of the bed and jumped out. He stomped into the kitchen and grabbed a large metal tray from the top of the refrigerator and threw the rest of the pizza, some chips, and a strawberry soda onto it. He went into the den in the rear of the mobile home and set the tray on a lamp table and picked up the television remote, which had been in a nearby recliner. He sat down and turned on the television. The batteries in the remote were low so he had to hold it at various angles and continuously mash down on the buttons to change the channels and adjust the volume. The tip of his thumb was sore from doing so for the past few nights.

48. Paul found a movie he liked he set the remote down on the table below the lamp that was still on from the night before and picked up his soda. As he popped it open he began to cough loudly again. The dry hacking sound obscured the high-pitched chime of breaking glass. The pain in his chest was as surprising as it was intense. As he brought his hand up to his chest, he began to feel very cold and tired. Paul slowly slumped forward in the chair. His fingers feeling the wet and warm hole now in his chest as the soda can hit the floor. Red liquid trickled out as his eyes shut.

49.

50. Otto Lawrence quickly pushed himself up onto his knees and rested the butt of a scoped hunting rifle on his right thigh. The sound of the gunshot still reverberated across the rural South Texas landscape. He stood up and slung the rifle onto his back with the barrel pointing upward and quickly headed toward a kayak concealed in the tall reeds of the nearby river. It was only half a mile from there to his truck and then only a thirty-minute drive to his motel. He needed to prepare for the long trip to Phoenix in the morning where he planned to see a man that was currently a running real estate investment scam.

51.

52.

53.

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