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"Sin 2- The day before garbage day and my revelation" by TheLiss

I had to put a paert 2 guys. Too many words apparentley. Part 1 Right here http://www.reviewfuse.com/view/7693/ If your reviews have any thing about fixing the story, plot characters attitudes, scenes transitons etc I'd be glad

Category: Short Story

Tags: Sin, Cinderella, Aden, Fiction

You can do an inline review of this work in the review tab.

My blackout faded as I revisited the waking world. In an ER room. I'm alive at least. Tubes and wires from head to toe. I felt uncomfortable. A male nurse came in. Yes male. He seemed happy to see me.

"Are you better?" He asked like I had a boo-boo.

Let's see, my neck is in gauze and bandages. I could've been killed by a number of factors. And some guardian angel miraculously saved me. "Fine."

"Good to know." He grinned, he was a fine black nurse in medical scrubs."I'll tell your family your awake."

"There here." It was a statement, not a question.

"yes. I'll let them in."

"In silent moments, they came in. My mom, my dad, my step mom, brother Chris, his gf Kia who us pregnant. And 4 step bros. I shocked me my mom was here or Chris. Mom never liked Nora. And I felt like I got that joint-custody Christmas I always wanted. I was over flown with hugs and kisses fro m my elders, high fives from my brothers and a hi and thak God you're okay! from Kia.

Blessed I tell you, blessed. As I let out a cry to vent out all my shock and confusion. They gave me all the comfort I wanted and needed. I was about to wipe my tears as the nuse escorted them out. Visitong hours were over.

Knowing I'd be alone again, I looked at the thoughtful moon. To give me advice. but I guess that's not the case.

The night was really restless, I saw the moon was now draped by clouds, so Luna had departed now. I tossed and turned. My neck couldn't find a good position. I was fucked,

That was until a dark figured loomed over , sitting at my bed side.

"Angel!"

"I"m not an angel."

"Whatever you are. You were sent to save me!"

"Look, do you really believe in God?"

"ofcourse I do!"

"Well, you're God damns my kind!"

"What are you talking about?" My faith nearly crushed.

"If I hadn't come when I had. You're God would've let you die in a pool of blood. Literally."

I hate when my beliefs were skepticized. Worse when I couldn't defend it.

"Well, God damns non believers. And you are one." Maybe God made this incident to save him, not me.

"I don't need a sermonette from miss Latifah."

"You kidding? You ever gone to church?"

"No."

"Never?" I sat up in my bed. feet to the ground, my hand touched the strange boys arm.

"Never."

"What's your name?"

"Aden Santos."

"I'm Sindy St-Albert. Call me Sin."

"A Christian named Sin?"

"we're all sinners, afterall. That's how we're born."

"God will never let me in Heaven."

"Says who?"

"My parents."

"Awe. Don't listen to them. God gives everyone a chance. To be saved."

"I never had a chance, to be anything." He sounded certain of every word he said so far. Like he said it for not pity, but for me to be aware that he was certain.

"God will. Aden, he will. I believe He did this for not me, but you."

"This isn't Cinderella, princess."

I closed my eyes to inhale. Exhaling and opening my eyes. He was gone just he appeared.

And that, my reader, is a strange ending. Worth more than a THE END or a TO BE CONTINUED. But an AMEN?



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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy this story. I am not even sure what problem the protagonist faced. This story was okay. The story would have been better if the author had introduced the problem differently and made it feel more pressing. I really enjoyed this story. The author did a good job pulling me into the story by introducing an immediate and important problem for the protagonist.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the story.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters were somewhat dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I partially understood the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the characters. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters were very dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I thoroughly understood their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and cared about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: Plot

I finished reading the story so the plot must have unfolded, but I am not sure what the plot was. The characters did not achieve or grow by solving the problems they faced in this story. There were definite wrinkles in the way the plot unfolded leading to the final conflict. The plot was loosely tied to the achievement and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame some of the problems flowed unnaturally with the story. I could see the plot unfolding through a series of escalating problems that lead to the final conflict. The plot helped me understand the achievements and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame the problems flowed naturally with the st

In fiction a plot is all the events in a story, particularly rendered towards the achievement of some particular artistic or emotional effect. In other words it's what mostly happened in the story. The plot draws the reader into the character's lives and helps the reader understand the choices that the characters make.

Category Name: Dialog

The dialog seemed like cold words on paper. I had a hard time following it. I didn’t learn very much about the characters through the dialog. Through the dialog I could sometimes see the characters learn and grow while occasionally discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was generally consistent with the character. Through the dialog I could see the characters learn and grow while simultaneously discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was true to the character and it helped me understand the characters emotions.

Category Name: Setting

The setting created a haze in my mind that detracted from the story. I am lost in time and space because I don’t know when or where this story takes place. The setting was described adequately, but not well enough to bring it to life in my mind. The setting did not add to or detract from the story. I am pretty sure I know when and where the story takes place. The author engaged all of my senses while vividly describing the setting. The setting helped me better understand the setting and plot. I know when and where this story takes place.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

Note: The purpose of ReviewFuse reviews is NOT to provide comprehensive copy editing, but rather to "ignite creativity." Reviewers should not feel obliged to point out every grammar or spelling error (though they certainly can if they wish), but should focus on this area only to the degree that errors make a story hard to follow or understand.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1. My blackout faded as I revisited the waking world. In an ER room. I'm alive at least. Tubes and wires from head to toe. I felt uncomfortable. A male nurse came in. Yes male. He seemed happy to see me.

2. "Are you better?" He asked like I had a boo-boo.

3. Let's see, my neck is in gauze and bandages. I could've been killed by a number of factors. And some guardian angel miraculously saved me. "Fine."

4. "Good to know." He grinned, he was a fine black nurse in medical scrubs."I'll tell your family your awake."

5. "There here." It was a statement, not a question.

6. "yes. I'll let them in."

7. "In silent moments, they came in. My mom, my dad, my step mom, brother Chris, his gf Kia who us pregnant. And 4 step bros. I shocked me my mom was here or Chris. Mom never liked Nora. And I felt like I got that joint-custody Christmas I always wanted. I was over flown with hugs and kisses fro m my elders, high fives from my brothers and a hi and thak God you're okay! from Kia.

8. Blessed I tell you, blessed. As I let out a cry to vent out all my shock and confusion. They gave me all the comfort I wanted and needed. I was about to wipe my tears as the nuse escorted them out. Visitong hours were over.

9. Knowing I'd be alone again, I looked at the thoughtful moon. To give me advice. but I guess that's not the case.

10. The night was really restless, I saw the moon was now draped by clouds, so Luna had departed now. I tossed and turned. My neck couldn't find a good position. I was fucked,

11. That was until a dark figured loomed over , sitting at my bed side.

12. "Angel!"

13. "I"m not an angel."

14. "Whatever you are. You were sent to save me!"

15. "Look, do you really believe in God?"

16. "ofcourse I do!"

17. "Well, you're God damns my kind!"

18. "What are you talking about?" My faith nearly crushed.

19. "If I hadn't come when I had. You're God would've let you die in a pool of blood. Literally."

20. I hate when my beliefs were skepticized. Worse when I couldn't defend it.

21. "Well, God damns non believers. And you are one." Maybe God made this incident to save him, not me.

22. "I don't need a sermonette from miss Latifah."

23. "You kidding? You ever gone to church?"

24. "No."

25. "Never?" I sat up in my bed. feet to the ground, my hand touched the strange boys arm.

26. "Never."

27. "What's your name?"

28. "Aden Santos."

29. "I'm Sindy St-Albert. Call me Sin."

30. "A Christian named Sin?"

31. "we're all sinners, afterall. That's how we're born."

32. "God will never let me in Heaven."

33. "Says who?"

34. "My parents."

35. "Awe. Don't listen to them. God gives everyone a chance. To be saved."

36. "I never had a chance, to be anything." He sounded certain of every word he said so far. Like he said it for not pity, but for me to be aware that he was certain.

37. "God will. Aden, he will. I believe He did this for not me, but you."

38. "This isn't Cinderella, princess."

39. I closed my eyes to inhale. Exhaling and opening my eyes. He was gone just he appeared.

40. And that, my reader, is a strange ending. Worth more than a THE END or a TO BE CONTINUED. But an AMEN?

41.

42.

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