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"Table For Four" by jadeoshow

Team of FBI Agents solve crime- This is a newer version of an old copy floating around the sight

Category: Book: 1st Chapter

Tags: Crime, Fiction, Drama, Procedural

You can do an inline review of this work in the review tab.


It was a slow day for murder, and the team all sat, waiting for a case to find them. Until then, Rachel Todd had plenty of paper work to fill out for their last case. Gordon Hanson sat at the desk across from hers, shooting balled up pieces of paper into Sam O’ Grady’s trash can. Across the bullpen, O’ Grady was playing solitaire and parallel to him, Ben Just was talking to Hanson, who was still making baskets into the makeshift hoop.

            Rachel listened half-heartedly, trying to concentrate on the weapons discharge report she was almost finished filing. “And so there I was, right? Trying to pull these two women off one another. It was…” He trailed off, as if words could not describe what it was. “But that was my weekend, just hitting the clubs, a few parties. That stuff.” Hanson leaned back far in his chair, aiming his crude ball and hitting O’ Grady in the forehead with it. “What about you, O’ G?”

Sam made some smart remark Rachel missed, and Ben laughed. “I went to Zach’s football game on Saturday. They won, 7 to 0. ” He offered. She decided she would join in after all.

            “Pass on my congrats to the little guy,” she told him. She enjoyed all of Ben’s stories about his 7-year-old son. At that moment, a heavy case file was dropped onto her desk and over her partially completed paperwork with a soft thud. A similar manila folder was tossed onto everyone else’s.

            “We got a murder, people,” Eaves, our senior agent and team leader said as he made his way to the door. Everyone, including Rachel, leapt up to follow.

 

 ••••••••••

           

            The harsh winter air blew all around Agent Todd, snow flecks nipping her face and coating her caramel brown hair. She adjusted her burgundy-striped scarf so it better covered her face and pulled her long, black pea coat tighter around her frame, making sure the badge on her lapel was still visible. They were outside, the winter cold enveloping them as they were briefed on the case. The victim was found at a hotel just outside Arlington, Virginia. Yellow crime scene tape and uniformed cops bordered them, along with the medical truck and local authorities. Beside Rachel, Hanson was updating the team on the new lead, a memory chip left at the scene. “It’s an SD drive, like a camera memory card. It’s 2 GB and it looked smashed.”

“The killer forgot a memory card? Doesn’t that seem like a rookie mistake for such a violent crime?” Ben asked.

            “It was a micro SD, it was tiny. Anyone could have missed it.”

            “Maybe the killer left it behind on purpose.”

            “Maybe it was not relevant. Maybe it wasn’t the killers at all. Maybe it doesn’t matter,” Hanson said.

            “First of all, Special Agent Hanson, it’s a murder investigation, so everything is relevant. Secondly, you four need to stop looking for zebras in central park. Find the horses,” Eaves said, grabbing the bagged chip and pinning it to O’ Grady’s chest with a finger. “Find out what’s on it.” Sam took it and set off to the lab, while the rest of us were beckoned to the crime scene, where we all grabbed latex gloves and cameras.

            Rachel focused on the bed, while Just searched the floor and Hanson snapped pictures of the body. Rachel swabbed blood and no doubt semen from the sheets, nothing extremely odd about that in a hotel room. She also bagged some particulates for the pillow and a few strands of hair.

            Just came up a few minutes later with his fair amount of full evidence bags, mostly dirt and blood particulates that our forensic scientist would have a field day with. Next to Eaves and the M.E., Hanson was camera happy, snapping photos at every angle, getting lots of background and position-oriented shots.

            “Bingo!” Just popped up again, holding a Petri dish in one hand and a pocketknife in the other. In the clear container was a square of badly cut indoor-outdoor carpet. On the carpet square was a pinkish colored spot on it. “Mold,” he held the specimen at eye level and widened his eyes.

            “Remind me never to let you near me with a knife, Edward Scissorhands,” Rachel joked as she lifted a fiber from the headboard of the bed and bagged it. He just grinned and examined his find. “So…” She tried to be casual. “Who did you get for Secret Santa?”

            “It wouldn’t be a secret if I told you, would it?” His voice came from under the bed.

            “C’mon, I’ll tell you who I’ve got!”

            “I have Lexi,” he confessed. “I have no idea what to get her. Your turn.”

            “It’s called Secret Santa for a reason, Benny,” she told him, grabbing her evidence and leaving him alone under the bed.

 

 ••••••••••

 

“What do you see, Doc?” Eaves was talking to our Medical Examiner, Doctor Jack Hopewell, who was bent over the body, from which a thermometer was protruding. Hopewell was an older man, with a graying scalp and thick spectacles resting on a thin, bony nose. A long white lab coat swathed his emaciated frame, and skintight sanitized gloves wrapped his hands and knotted fingers.

            “Too early to determine cause, but my money is on the multiple stab wounds to the chest,” The doctor moved a corner of tarp to reveal numerous bloody gashes where the heart should be. “Best wait until after the autopsy though.”

            “It always is,” Eaves said. “T.O.D.?”

            “Liver temperature suggests anywhere from six to twelve hours ago. The air conditioning was turned up to slow decomp.” Without another word, Eaves wheeled around to face Hanson, Just and Rachel. “Hanson, I want pictures of these blood spatters- especially the bathroom door-I want every crimson drop. Just, dust for prints, and make sure to get the thermostat. Rach- statements. The maid who found the body is outside.”

            Rachel left the hotel room in search for Rosita Lopez, the maid that found their vic earlier that morning. She found her talking to a black and blue, waving her arms frantically. She approached and the uniform got lost, so she had her turn to question her. “Rachel Todd, FBI.” She introduced. She loved introducing herself like that. “I understand you found the deceased?” She tried to be sensitive.

            “Si, si, yes.” The woman sounded irritate. “I walk In, I clean, then I see it. I call you, then manager.” Rachel took the managers name, and probed a little farther to secure a more solid statement. It was rather difficult, for she spoke little English, but 10 minutes later, she was getting info from the hotel manager.

            “Room 216… registered to a Mr. and Mrs. Manning. They checked in last night.” The old man examined a piece of paper. “Yes, I remember them. They were quite…eager to get to their room, if you catch my drift.”

            “Ah.” She did. “I’m going to need copies of your logs and a list of any in going or outgoing calls from their extension.” The old man nodded. “Thanks,” She told him, walking out of the warm lobby, into the cold winter wind and back to room 216.

 

 ••••••••••

 

            Sam O’ Grady descended the four stories in the elevator to the laboratory. Even from the hall, he could hear jazz emanating from Lexi’s lab. Through the glass door he could see her, her long legs and hourglass shape, her figure flawless even in those shapeless white lab coats. He could not see her face, because she was facing away from him, but he envisioned it. Her bright eyes as green as emeralds, her cute nose, her perfectly shaped lips. Her blonde hair swished back and forth from the ponytail on a high point on her head as she swayed with her music.

            Lexington Madden was the team’s forensic scientist, and the most beautiful woman Sam O’ Grady ever laid eyes on. She was the best in her field, top of her class, and of course best of the best. Sam hadn’t the courage to ask her age, but he knew she was young for her field, and he knew she was nothing short of a genius, however humble she was. She had had the biggest life of anyone he knew. She traveled to countries Sam had never even heard of, plus many of the ones he had, and helped people all over. 

            Once he had finished admiring her, he entered the lab, coffee in hand. The lab was a large one, with machines and computers lining every inch of the glass walls. The exam table and main computer island sat in the middle of it all, with rolling-chair access to any machine in the room. Along the farthest wall was a huge flat screen TV, often used for projecting results, and next to it, a door. The whole wall was transparent, and a small office was visible. He set the concoction beside her computer where she was working. “How long have you been there staring at me?” she asked, not turning around to face him.

            “How-”

            “So much to learn, Sammy,” She pinched his cheek and accepted the coffee, sipping it carefully.

            “Any luck with the micro SD?”

            “I pulled a partial print- a thumb from the look of it- but it’s so small I wouldn’t get your hopes up. The odds of getting a match are about one in a million. I ran in through AFIS anyways. We might get lucky,” Lexi told him, smiling. She stopped clicking the computer mouse and snapped on latex gloves to insert the chip into the drive. “This code, though…this cipher is for you. I can’t crack it.”

At this, Sam pulled up a chair. This was what he was good at, computers were is ball game. But the code Lexi exaggerated wasn’t nearly as hard as he had expected. “Lexi, this is just a simple password protected file. Hanson could crack this.”

            “I know, but I needed some excuse to get you down here and help me,” She ruffled his spiked blonde hair, playfully.

 

 ••••••••••

 

            Upstairs in the bullpen, Hanson and Rachel were arguing over Rachel’s lunch. “Give it back, Hanson!” She exclaimed as he peeled back the tin foil wrapping of her McChicken sandwich, taking a huge bite out of it. Mayo dripped from the corner of his mouth, and he caught it with a finger.

            “Mmmmm…..” He pretended to just notice her. “Oh, how rude of me. You want some?” he asked, trying hard not to laugh at his own mean joke. He held it out, in mock generosity. she took advantage of this, taking as big a bite as she could. He looked somewhat shocked, as she, quite amused, licked ketchup from her index finger. He took another deliberate and somewhat violent bite without looking away from her.

            “Progress report,” Eaves snuck up behind then. They both jumped and hurried to report their work. Hanson got a hold of the remote, which he used to flip on the plasma, where crime scene pictures cascaded. A few more clicks, and the drivers license of a Robert Manning appeared on top of the digital stack.

            “Deceased is Robert Manning, a 46 year-old civilian from Baltimore. Wife is Lisa Manning, 45, also a civilian,” Hanson paused to take another bite of Rachel’s sandwich, so she took the opportunity to launch into her own findings.

            “Manager reports their check-in at 10:45 last night. He said they were very….anxious to get to their room.”

            “So,” Eaves turned from the screen to us. “What were they doing so far from home? And where is the Mrs.?” She took this time to snatch back her McChicken and take a big bite. In retaliation, Hanson put the last of it in his mouth whole, making a face at her. Eaves was not amused. “Well?”

            Just, who had been silent the whole time, spoke up. “Rach and I are sorting through these hotel logs, and O’ Grady is working in the lab to get info off the chip found at the scene.”

            “And Hanson?”

            “Eating my lunch,” Rachel jabbed him in the ribs so he would get off her desk.

            “And on his way to get an update from Romeo and Juliet, and then going to tell the vic’s family,” Hanson spoke about himself in third person, disappearing down the stairs.

            Just sat in Hanson’s desk, helping Rachel sort out all the logs, which just happened to be all paper copies. “Where to start?”

 ••••••••••

            “What do you have for me, Jack?” Eaves greeted as he strode into the cold lab. Jack’s lab was always frigid, as it was a bottom-most floor of the building and connected to the morgue. It was harshly lit with numerous overheads and less abrasive lamps that only enhanced the cold mood, which Jack found appropriate for the morbid chores done there. The corpse of Robert Manning was on a steel slab in the middle of the room, the doctor hunched over it. A y-cut down the front of the body revealed all of his organs. Well, almost all of them. “Where is the heart? Did you forget it at the crime scene?” Eaves joked.

            “The heart is nowhere to be found, I'm afraid. My guess? The poor man’s killer still has it. We are about to start autopsy any minute now, Mr. Wilson!” The last part was directed to a pair of legs that were protruding from under the table. The rest of the body attached to the legs came into view, and a young Romanian man was standing before them. He was of tall and slim stature, almost to the extent of lankiness, and had a small amount of facial hair sprouting from his chin. Cain Wilson was the young medical student the doctor had chosen to assist in the lab, and an aspiring medical examiner.

“Dropped my pen, Dr.” He excused himself, brushing the dust off his lab coat as he stood.

“Yes, well, come back in a few hours, Christopher, I might have something more worth your while then.” Dr. Hopewell told him. Eaves made his way back to the elevator.

“Hurry, Doc.”

 

 ••••••••••

 

“Why can’t this guy use a computer like everyone else?” Rachel asked Ben, who had no answer. They were surrounded by papers- photocopies of every person that stayed at the Rest Inn. She was referring to the owner of the Inn, who had chosen the more traditional filing system- the non-computerized one.

“I don’t know, but it’s a hell of a lot of customers for a small time, family owned inn,” Just replied.

“It’s probably the complimentary breakfast and cheap stay. Only eighty-three dollars a night. ” Hanson informed them as he entered the squad room. “ O’ G was doing some homework on the cute little cottage, I think him and Lexi are planning to elope together. Anyways, Lexi has nothing on the print she pulled off the memory card, but she refuses to give up and I was told to return later, so you-” he pointed to Rachel, “-are coming with me to brief the family.”

 

 ••••••••••


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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy the chapter. The chapter was okay. I really enjoyed the chapter.

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Category Name: Character Development

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Category Name: The Beginning

The chapter did not introduce a problem. I really don’t want to read the next chapter. The chapter introduces a problem for the protagonist, but I don’t know why it’s important and/or it does not feel like an immediate resolution is needed. I might read the next chapter. The chapter introduced an immediate and important problem for the protagonist. I really want to know what happens in the next chapter.

The first chapter, especially the first sentence, needs to pull a reader into the story and make them crave more.

Category Name: Setting

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Category Name: Dialog

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1.

2. It was a slow day for murder, and the team all sat, waiting for a case to find them. Until then, Rachel Todd had plenty of paper work to fill out for their last case. Gordon Hanson sat at the desk across from hers, shooting balled up pieces of paper into Sam O’ Grady’s trash can. Across the bullpen, O’ Grady was playing solitaire and parallel to him, Ben Just was talking to Hanson, who was still making baskets into the makeshift hoop.

3.             Rachel listened half-heartedly, trying to concentrate on the weapons discharge report she was almost finished filing. “And so there I was, right? Trying to pull these two women off one another. It was…” He trailed off, as if words could not describe what it was. “But that was my weekend, just hitting the clubs, a few parties. That stuff.” Hanson leaned back far in his chair, aiming his crude ball and hitting O’ Grady in the forehead with it. “What about you, O’ G?”

4. Sam made some smart remark Rachel missed, and Ben laughed. “I went to Zach’s football game on Saturday. They won, 7 to 0. ” He offered. She decided she would join in after all.

5.             “Pass on my congrats to the little guy,” she told him. She enjoyed all of Ben’s stories about his 7-year-old son. At that moment, a heavy case file was dropped onto her desk and over her partially completed paperwork with a soft thud. A similar manila folder was tossed onto everyone else’s.

6.             “We got a murder, people,” Eaves, our senior agent and team leader said as he made his way to the door. Everyone, including Rachel, leapt up to follow.

7.  

8.  ••••••••••

9.            

10.             The harsh winter air blew all around Agent Todd, snow flecks nipping her face and coating her caramel brown hair. She adjusted her burgundy-striped scarf so it better covered her face and pulled her long, black pea coat tighter around her frame, making sure the badge on her lapel was still visible. They were outside, the winter cold enveloping them as they were briefed on the case. The victim was found at a hotel just outside Arlington, Virginia. Yellow crime scene tape and uniformed cops bordered them, along with the medical truck and local authorities. Beside Rachel, Hanson was updating the team on the new lead, a memory chip left at the scene. “It’s an SD drive, like a camera memory card. It’s 2 GB and it looked smashed.”

11. “The killer forgot a memory card? Doesn’t that seem like a rookie mistake for such a violent crime?” Ben asked.

12.             “It was a micro SD, it was tiny. Anyone could have missed it.”

13.             “Maybe the killer left it behind on purpose.”

14.             “Maybe it was not relevant. Maybe it wasn’t the killers at all. Maybe it doesn’t matter,” Hanson said.

15.             “First of all, Special Agent Hanson, it’s a murder investigation, so everything is relevant. Secondly, you four need to stop looking for zebras in central park. Find the horses,” Eaves said, grabbing the bagged chip and pinning it to O’ Grady’s chest with a finger. “Find out what’s on it.” Sam took it and set off to the lab, while the rest of us were beckoned to the crime scene, where we all grabbed latex gloves and cameras.

16.             Rachel focused on the bed, while Just searched the floor and Hanson snapped pictures of the body. Rachel swabbed blood and no doubt semen from the sheets, nothing extremely odd about that in a hotel room. She also bagged some particulates for the pillow and a few strands of hair.

17.             Just came up a few minutes later with his fair amount of full evidence bags, mostly dirt and blood particulates that our forensic scientist would have a field day with. Next to Eaves and the M.E., Hanson was camera happy, snapping photos at every angle, getting lots of background and position-oriented shots.

18.             “Bingo!” Just popped up again, holding a Petri dish in one hand and a pocketknife in the other. In the clear container was a square of badly cut indoor-outdoor carpet. On the carpet square was a pinkish colored spot on it. “Mold,” he held the specimen at eye level and widened his eyes.

19.             “Remind me never to let you near me with a knife, Edward Scissorhands,” Rachel joked as she lifted a fiber from the headboard of the bed and bagged it. He just grinned and examined his find. “So…” She tried to be casual. “Who did you get for Secret Santa?”

20.             “It wouldn’t be a secret if I told you, would it?” His voice came from under the bed.

21.             “C’mon, I’ll tell you who I’ve got!”

22.             “I have Lexi,” he confessed. “I have no idea what to get her. Your turn.”

23.             “It’s called Secret Santa for a reason, Benny,” she told him, grabbing her evidence and leaving him alone under the bed.

24.  

25.  ••••••••••

26.  

27. “What do you see, Doc?” Eaves was talking to our Medical Examiner, Doctor Jack Hopewell, who was bent over the body, from which a thermometer was protruding. Hopewell was an older man, with a graying scalp and thick spectacles resting on a thin, bony nose. A long white lab coat swathed his emaciated frame, and skintight sanitized gloves wrapped his hands and knotted fingers.

28.             “Too early to determine cause, but my money is on the multiple stab wounds to the chest,” The doctor moved a corner of tarp to reveal numerous bloody gashes where the heart should be. “Best wait until after the autopsy though.”

29.             “It always is,” Eaves said. “T.O.D.?”

30.             “Liver temperature suggests anywhere from six to twelve hours ago. The air conditioning was turned up to slow decomp.” Without another word, Eaves wheeled around to face Hanson, Just and Rachel. “Hanson, I want pictures of these blood spatters- especially the bathroom door-I want every crimson drop. Just, dust for prints, and make sure to get the thermostat. Rach- statements. The maid who found the body is outside.”

31.             Rachel left the hotel room in search for Rosita Lopez, the maid that found their vic earlier that morning. She found her talking to a black and blue, waving her arms frantically. She approached and the uniform got lost, so she had her turn to question her. “Rachel Todd, FBI.” She introduced. She loved introducing herself like that. “I understand you found the deceased?” She tried to be sensitive.

32.             “Si, si, yes.” The woman sounded irritate. “I walk In, I clean, then I see it. I call you, then manager.” Rachel took the managers name, and probed a little farther to secure a more solid statement. It was rather difficult, for she spoke little English, but 10 minutes later, she was getting info from the hotel manager.

33.             “Room 216… registered to a Mr. and Mrs. Manning. They checked in last night.” The old man examined a piece of paper. “Yes, I remember them. They were quite…eager to get to their room, if you catch my drift.”

34.             “Ah.” She did. “I’m going to need copies of your logs and a list of any in going or outgoing calls from their extension.” The old man nodded. “Thanks,” She told him, walking out of the warm lobby, into the cold winter wind and back to room 216.

35.  

36.  ••••••••••

37.  

38.             Sam O’ Grady descended the four stories in the elevator to the laboratory. Even from the hall, he could hear jazz emanating from Lexi’s lab. Through the glass door he could see her, her long legs and hourglass shape, her figure flawless even in those shapeless white lab coats. He could not see her face, because she was facing away from him, but he envisioned it. Her bright eyes as green as emeralds, her cute nose, her perfectly shaped lips. Her blonde hair swished back and forth from the ponytail on a high point on her head as she swayed with her music.

39.             Lexington Madden was the team’s forensic scientist, and the most beautiful woman Sam O’ Grady ever laid eyes on. She was the best in her field, top of her class, and of course best of the best. Sam hadn’t the courage to ask her age, but he knew she was young for her field, and he knew she was nothing short of a genius, however humble she was. She had had the biggest life of anyone he knew. She traveled to countries Sam had never even heard of, plus many of the ones he had, and helped people all over. 

40.             Once he had finished admiring her, he entered the lab, coffee in hand. The lab was a large one, with machines and computers lining every inch of the glass walls. The exam table and main computer island sat in the middle of it all, with rolling-chair access to any machine in the room. Along the farthest wall was a huge flat screen TV, often used for projecting results, and next to it, a door. The whole wall was transparent, and a small office was visible. He set the concoction beside her computer where she was working. “How long have you been there staring at me?” she asked, not turning around to face him.

41.             “How-”

42.             “So much to learn, Sammy,” She pinched his cheek and accepted the coffee, sipping it carefully.

43.             “Any luck with the micro SD?”

44.             “I pulled a partial print- a thumb from the look of it- but it’s so small I wouldn’t get your hopes up. The odds of getting a match are about one in a million. I ran in through AFIS anyways. We might get lucky,” Lexi told him, smiling. She stopped clicking the computer mouse and snapped on latex gloves to insert the chip into the drive. “This code, though…this cipher is for you. I can’t crack it.”

45. At this, Sam pulled up a chair. This was what he was good at, computers were is ball game. But the code Lexi exaggerated wasn’t nearly as hard as he had expected. “Lexi, this is just a simple password protected file. Hanson could crack this.”

46.             “I know, but I needed some excuse to get you down here and help me,” She ruffled his spiked blonde hair, playfully.

47.  

48.  ••••••••••

49.  

50.             Upstairs in the bullpen, Hanson and Rachel were arguing over Rachel’s lunch. “Give it back, Hanson!” She exclaimed as he peeled back the tin foil wrapping of her McChicken sandwich, taking a huge bite out of it. Mayo dripped from the corner of his mouth, and he caught it with a finger.

51.             “Mmmmm…..” He pretended to just notice her. “Oh, how rude of me. You want some?” he asked, trying hard not to laugh at his own mean joke. He held it out, in mock generosity. she took advantage of this, taking as big a bite as she could. He looked somewhat shocked, as she, quite amused, licked ketchup from her index finger. He took another deliberate and somewhat violent bite without looking away from her.

52.             “Progress report,” Eaves snuck up behind then. They both jumped and hurried to report their work. Hanson got a hold of the remote, which he used to flip on the plasma, where crime scene pictures cascaded. A few more clicks, and the drivers license of a Robert Manning appeared on top of the digital stack.

53.             “Deceased is Robert Manning, a 46 year-old civilian from Baltimore. Wife is Lisa Manning, 45, also a civilian,” Hanson paused to take another bite of Rachel’s sandwich, so she took the opportunity to launch into her own findings.

54.             “Manager reports their check-in at 10:45 last night. He said they were very….anxious to get to their room.”

55.             “So,” Eaves turned from the screen to us. “What were they doing so far from home? And where is the Mrs.?” She took this time to snatch back her McChicken and take a big bite. In retaliation, Hanson put the last of it in his mouth whole, making a face at her. Eaves was not amused. “Well?”

56.             Just, who had been silent the whole time, spoke up. “Rach and I are sorting through these hotel logs, and O’ Grady is working in the lab to get info off the chip found at the scene.”

57.             “And Hanson?”

58.             “Eating my lunch,” Rachel jabbed him in the ribs so he would get off her desk.

59.             “And on his way to get an update from Romeo and Juliet, and then going to tell the vic’s family,” Hanson spoke about himself in third person, disappearing down the stairs.

60.             Just sat in Hanson’s desk, helping Rachel sort out all the logs, which just happened to be all paper copies. “Where to start?”

61.  ••••••••••

62.             “What do you have for me, Jack?” Eaves greeted as he strode into the cold lab. Jack’s lab was always frigid, as it was a bottom-most floor of the building and connected to the morgue. It was harshly lit with numerous overheads and less abrasive lamps that only enhanced the cold mood, which Jack found appropriate for the morbid chores done there. The corpse of Robert Manning was on a steel slab in the middle of the room, the doctor hunched over it. A y-cut down the front of the body revealed all of his organs. Well, almost all of them. “Where is the heart? Did you forget it at the crime scene?” Eaves joked.

63.             “The heart is nowhere to be found, I'm afraid. My guess? The poor man’s killer still has it. We are about to start autopsy any minute now, Mr. Wilson!” The last part was directed to a pair of legs that were protruding from under the table. The rest of the body attached to the legs came into view, and a young Romanian man was standing before them. He was of tall and slim stature, almost to the extent of lankiness, and had a small amount of facial hair sprouting from his chin. Cain Wilson was the young medical student the doctor had chosen to assist in the lab, and an aspiring medical examiner.

64. “Dropped my pen, Dr.” He excused himself, brushing the dust off his lab coat as he stood.

65. “Yes, well, come back in a few hours, Christopher, I might have something more worth your while then.” Dr. Hopewell told him. Eaves made his way back to the elevator.

66. “Hurry, Doc.”

67.  

68.  ••••••••••

69.  

70. “Why can’t this guy use a computer like everyone else?” Rachel asked Ben, who had no answer. They were surrounded by papers- photocopies of every person that stayed at the Rest Inn. She was referring to the owner of the Inn, who had chosen the more traditional filing system- the non-computerized one.

71. “I don’t know, but it’s a hell of a lot of customers for a small time, family owned inn,” Just replied.

72. “It’s probably the complimentary breakfast and cheap stay. Only eighty-three dollars a night. ” Hanson informed them as he entered the squad room. “ O’ G was doing some homework on the cute little cottage, I think him and Lexi are planning to elope together. Anyways, Lexi has nothing on the print she pulled off the memory card, but she refuses to give up and I was told to return later, so you-” he pointed to Rachel, “-are coming with me to brief the family.”

73.  

74.  ••••••••••

75.

Reviews that have been completed within the last 30 days

  • See the full page version of this review yinarchy - Oct 16, 2011

    (5 stars) more »

    I could not get a clear picture of what was going on. There should at least be a description of the murder victim at the beginning. Male? Female? How old? I could not tell if it was just the man or a man and his wife who were murdered.

    (4 stars) more »

    While there was lots of interplay among the characters, introducing four at once left me a little confused. Maybe if you stagger introductions in the story.

    (6 stars) more »

    I think you could begin with more action, then introduce the characters as it goes on.

    (4 stars) more »

    Because the victim was never described, except for having a thermonitor stuck some place. it ruined the setting. Kinda like the elephant in the room.

    (7 stars) more »

    The mechanics are good, but the structure needs reworking.

    (8 stars) more »

    The dialog was well written, but rather dull. I suggest slowing down on the characterization and stepping up the action.