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"Gone" by McKenna96

As a couple of friends are going out for lunch, they get hit by another car.

Category: Book: 1st Chapter

Tags: realistic fiction

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Chapter One: The Beginning of the Start


I heard sirens in the background and knew that I hadn’t been killed. The pieces were starting to come together. The only words I could remember were, 'car crash', 'I think he’s dead', and 'Oh, my God!'

Whichever person they were talking about, it wasn't me. I am alive.

As the sirens were getting closer, everything started to set in. Someone died, and it could’ve been someone I loved, my brother or my boyfriend. What would happen if it was Jonathon? He was my big brother, I looked up to him. What about Joe? I don't know how I would move on without him in my life...


~~~~


“We’re going to get the girl first. Then, the three gentleman,” the head paramedic stated.

All you could hear was the groans of metal bending and then the air was filled with painful screams and sorrowful moans. It was unbearable to listen to. Two people were pulled from the car I was in, one was me and the other, I had no idea of knowing. The numbers just didn't add up.

“STOP! It's hurting worse! Please! Stop I said!” a deeper voice yelped after attempted tries at getting more air. It had to have been Joe. That only meant one thing… Jonathon was gone. My brother was gone forever.

He was gone forever! How was I going to deal with this? What about Mom? Dad? Joe? Our friends? Family? Too many people would be hurt. I had know idea for what was in store for me. I don’t think anyone could.

Then the schreeching metal subsided for a few seconds, but it immediately filled the air again. Suddenly there was at least one other person adding to the mixture of noises.

~~~~


Heart racing, I started to scream as I was being strapped to a gurney, “Oh, my God! Where’s my brother?! Tell me where he’s at!”

“I’m sorry ma’am, but I don't know yet. We have to identify all of the bodies, and someone will let you know when it's figured out. But for the time being, you'll need to be patient,” an EMT stated in a firm voice.

“He’s my brother, and I have a right to know where he is and what’s wrong with him!”

“I'm sorry but I don't know anything more than you know.”

“Jonathon!”

“I’m sorry. Now, we will let you know once we know more details. Please try not to worry.”

“Fine!” I spat out.

As I was being put into the ambulance, I saw the car that I thought was ours and screamed. Everyone looked at me with betrayed looks of worry and curiousness.


~~~~


“Hey, sweetheart,” a sweet voice. Although I don’t know who’s voice it was.

"Who's there?" I asked groggily, not opening my eyes.

"Don't you know? I've been with you forever," the voice said.

"Joe?"

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. No, I'm not your brother."

That's when the water works started. Joe wasn't coming back.

"Jonathon? Please say that it's you!"

"I need to leave now. I'm sorry, I truly am."

"But...." they were already gone. Not twelve seconds later, my nurse walked into my room. As she carried on, taking care of my bandages, I started to ask questions.

"Who was in here? Why were they here?" not getting a reply, I started to get furious with the nurse, "Why aren't you answering my questions?"

"Calm down. You will get an answer to each question when the time comes. Now, I'll be right back," she replied calmly.

I waited and waited for what seemed like hours. Finally, my doctor came in with my dad and mom. I could tell they had been driving, their jackets still on. They had been out of town on vacation, five hours away, not knowing about the crash until today.

"I'll give you twenty minutes, max,"Dr. Johnston spoke.

"Thank you, Doctor," my parents said sullenly.

~~~~

"How's Jonathon? Joe? Who died?" I waited for some kind of answer, "Why won't anyone answer me?"

"Oh, darling! I don't know about them Not yet. I wish I did, sweetheart. I honestly do!" Mom sobbed with me, just as loudly.

"I can't cry! Men don't cry," Dad said stupidly after mom.

"Real men do, so cry with us!" I yelled at him, "I'm so sorry, Daddy! I'm sorry, Mommy!"

"Don't be sorry, Angel," Mom cried.

"I am! I killed whoever died! I caused the crashed! Mommy! Daddy! Don't be mad! I didn't mean to!" I bawled, all self-controling vanishing in an instant.

At that moment, a nurse ran in and tried to calm me down.

"Honey, it will be okay."

"No it won't! I killed my brother or my boyfriend!'

"It was an accident. Nobody is blaming you."

"I am!" 

"Micheal Ann! Stop crying this minute. You're better than this and you know it!"

"How do you know? You're not even my nurse. You just want me to shut up!"

"I'm going to go get the doctor to see about getting you something to calm you down."

Not sure about trusting her, I glared, "Fine."

"Thank you ma'am," my dad looked relieved.

"Just press the call button if you need anything," she said as she walked out of the room.

"Micheal, how could you be so rude to that nurse?" my mother asked in her interrogation voice.

"Can I get some rest, please?"

"No, baby, you can't. You need to act nicer next time someone is trying to help you."

"Mom! You don't understand! I've cried myself asleep the past few nights, with you being out of town. The crash was three days ago! I need sleep!"

"That's enough. I don't have any idea about what has gotten into you but you aren't acting how you usually do. I understand you were in a car accident but I have no idea anout what to do."

"Mom, I don't know what to say! I have never been through this before so I don't know! I'm scared!"

"Baby, I'm scared also. I just don't know. I'm gonna go find something about the boys. I'll let you know when I can."

"Thank you, Mommy. Please hurry!" with that, my parents were out on a mission.

~~~~

"Micheal, please wake up. We need to prep you for surgery."

"Huh?"

"We need to prep you for surgery to stop your internal bleeding."

"Who did you talk to with about this? My mom? Dad? Brother? Or my boyfriend?"

"Ma'am, we don't have a choice. The bleeding keeps getting worse. We need to go now," Nurse Jen explained.

"Can't we wait a little bit?"

"I'm sorry."

"Can you give me five minutes? Please!" I was desperate.

"That's all. If I wait any longer than that, I will get in trouble."

"Thank you!"

~~~~

I dialed up my brother's cell phone number. The phone rang and rang, then it happened, the click.

"Jonathon?"






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Category Name: My Thoughts

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Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not credible, interesting or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters where somewhat credible, interesting and unique. I partially understand their thoughts, feelings, and actions. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters where credible, interesting and unique. I thoroughly understand their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and started to care about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: The Beginning

The chapter did not introduce a problem. I really don’t want to read the next chapter. The chapter introduces a problem for the protagonist, but I don’t know why it’s important and/or it does not feel like an immediate resolution is needed. I might read the next chapter. The chapter introduced an immediate and important problem for the protagonist. I really want to know what happens in the next chapter.

The first chapter, especially the first sentence, needs to pull a reader into the story and make them crave more.

Category Name: Setting

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Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

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Category Name: Dialog

The dialog caused more confusion than clarification about the characters. It was almost impossible to follow. Some of the dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. I could follow the dialog when paying close attention. The dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. The dialog flowed well and was easy to follow.

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1. Chapter One: The Beginning of the Start

2.

3. I heard sirens in the background and knew that I hadn’t been killed. The pieces were starting to come together. The only words I could remember were, 'car crash', 'I think he’s dead', and 'Oh, my God!'

4. Whichever person they were talking about, it wasn't me. I am alive.

5. As the sirens were getting closer, everything started to set in. Someone died, and it could’ve been someone I loved, my brother or my boyfriend. What would happen if it was Jonathon? He was my big brother, I looked up to him. What about Joe? I don't know how I would move on without him in my life...

6.

7. ~~~~

8.

9. “We’re going to get the girl first. Then, the three gentleman,” the head paramedic stated.

10. All you could hear was the groans of metal bending and then the air was filled with painful screams and sorrowful moans. It was unbearable to listen to. Two people were pulled from the car I was in, one was me and the other, I had no idea of knowing. The numbers just didn't add up.

11. “STOP! It's hurting worse! Please! Stop I said!” a deeper voice yelped after attempted tries at getting more air. It had to have been Joe. That only meant one thing… Jonathon was gone. My brother was gone forever.

12. He was gone forever! How was I going to deal with this? What about Mom? Dad? Joe? Our friends? Family? Too many people would be hurt. I had know idea for what was in store for me. I don’t think anyone could.

13. Then the schreeching metal subsided for a few seconds, but it immediately filled the air again. Suddenly there was at least one other person adding to the mixture of noises.

14. ~~~~

15.

16. Heart racing, I started to scream as I was being strapped to a gurney, “Oh, my God! Where’s my brother?! Tell me where he’s at!”

17. “I’m sorry ma’am, but I don't know yet. We have to identify all of the bodies, and someone will let you know when it's figured out. But for the time being, you'll need to be patient,” an EMT stated in a firm voice.

18. “He’s my brother, and I have a right to know where he is and what’s wrong with him!”

19. “I'm sorry but I don't know anything more than you know.”

20. “Jonathon!”

21. “I’m sorry. Now, we will let you know once we know more details. Please try not to worry.”

22. “Fine!” I spat out.

23. As I was being put into the ambulance, I saw the car that I thought was ours and screamed. Everyone looked at me with betrayed looks of worry and curiousness.

24.

25. ~~~~

26.

27. “Hey, sweetheart,” a sweet voice. Although I don’t know who’s voice it was.

28. "Who's there?" I asked groggily, not opening my eyes.

29. "Don't you know? I've been with you forever," the voice said.

30. "Joe?"

31. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. No, I'm not your brother."

32. That's when the water works started. Joe wasn't coming back.

33. "Jonathon? Please say that it's you!"

34. "I need to leave now. I'm sorry, I truly am."

35. "But...." they were already gone. Not twelve seconds later, my nurse walked into my room. As she carried on, taking care of my bandages, I started to ask questions.

36. "Who was in here? Why were they here?" not getting a reply, I started to get furious with the nurse, "Why aren't you answering my questions?"

37. "Calm down. You will get an answer to each question when the time comes. Now, I'll be right back," she replied calmly.

38. I waited and waited for what seemed like hours. Finally, my doctor came in with my dad and mom. I could tell they had been driving, their jackets still on. They had been out of town on vacation, five hours away, not knowing about the crash until today.

39. "I'll give you twenty minutes, max,"Dr. Johnston spoke.

40. "Thank you, Doctor," my parents said sullenly.

41. ~~~~

42. "How's Jonathon? Joe? Who died?" I waited for some kind of answer, "Why won't anyone answer me?"

43. "Oh, darling! I don't know about them Not yet. I wish I did, sweetheart. I honestly do!" Mom sobbed with me, just as loudly.

44. "I can't cry! Men don't cry," Dad said stupidly after mom.

45. "Real men do, so cry with us!" I yelled at him, "I'm so sorry, Daddy! I'm sorry, Mommy!"

46. "Don't be sorry, Angel," Mom cried.

47. "I am! I killed whoever died! I caused the crashed! Mommy! Daddy! Don't be mad! I didn't mean to!" I bawled, all self-controling vanishing in an instant.

48. At that moment, a nurse ran in and tried to calm me down.

49. "Honey, it will be okay."

50. "No it won't! I killed my brother or my boyfriend!'

51. "It was an accident. Nobody is blaming you."

52. "I am!" 

53. "Micheal Ann! Stop crying this minute. You're better than this and you know it!"

54. "How do you know? You're not even my nurse. You just want me to shut up!"

55. "I'm going to go get the doctor to see about getting you something to calm you down."

56. Not sure about trusting her, I glared, "Fine."

57. "Thank you ma'am," my dad looked relieved.

58. "Just press the call button if you need anything," she said as she walked out of the room.

59. "Micheal, how could you be so rude to that nurse?" my mother asked in her interrogation voice.

60. "Can I get some rest, please?"

61. "No, baby, you can't. You need to act nicer next time someone is trying to help you."

62. "Mom! You don't understand! I've cried myself asleep the past few nights, with you being out of town. The crash was three days ago! I need sleep!"

63. "That's enough. I don't have any idea about what has gotten into you but you aren't acting how you usually do. I understand you were in a car accident but I have no idea anout what to do."

64. "Mom, I don't know what to say! I have never been through this before so I don't know! I'm scared!"

65. "Baby, I'm scared also. I just don't know. I'm gonna go find something about the boys. I'll let you know when I can."

66. "Thank you, Mommy. Please hurry!" with that, my parents were out on a mission.

67. ~~~~

68. "Micheal, please wake up. We need to prep you for surgery."

69. "Huh?"

70. "We need to prep you for surgery to stop your internal bleeding."

71. "Who did you talk to with about this? My mom? Dad? Brother? Or my boyfriend?"

72. "Ma'am, we don't have a choice. The bleeding keeps getting worse. We need to go now," Nurse Jen explained.

73. "Can't we wait a little bit?"

74. "I'm sorry."

75. "Can you give me five minutes? Please!" I was desperate.

76. "That's all. If I wait any longer than that, I will get in trouble."

77. "Thank you!"

78. ~~~~

79. I dialed up my brother's cell phone number. The phone rang and rang, then it happened, the click.

80. "Jonathon?"

81.

82.

83.

84.

85.

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