"Ten Ways to Maim or At Least Embarrass Your Stepmother" by scribedaily

1. The very beginning of the book

2.

3. The Caveat Page:

4.

5. This is the first page of my work in progress: 10 ways to maim or at least totally embarrass your stupid stepmother. This book is to be used for fun and not for profit. I think of myself as a humanitarian. I am helping the under-served youth population of America (until I go international) deal with their nit-witted stepmothers. This book is not to be taken seriously Please do not try any of these pranks--unless you are stuck with a doozy of a stepmother .

6.

7. A bit of background.

8.

9. Kind of like my very own P.S. but before the book even begins: I hate my stepmother, but I would not ever hurt her. I just like to daydream about it sometimes and a journal is supposed to be a good outlet for that. Since kids are not allowed to roam around in the woods or play down the street anymore, people are all afraid of pedophiles and such, we Youth have to think of creative ways to occupy ourselves. My way is to think of ways to eliminate the one person who makes my life miserable. Besides I think it is fun to make entries with cartoon drawings of the deaths or embarrassing pranks. I am not a good drawer, but some day, I will be or I will hire someone to draw them for me.

10.

11. So enjoy, laugh, when I get a website you can send me ideas of your own.

12.

13. Noelle McCoy

14.

15.

16.

17. Chapter 1

18.

19. Death Plot #1: Draino in the toothpaste.

20. In the middle of the night, you put draino in your stepmother's toothpaste. Then, in the morning when she gets up out of her perfect sleep with her perfect skin and her perfect nails and goes to brush her perfectly enamled teeth...choke, caugh, gag. BAM! She hits the floor. Stepmother slobber everywhere.

21.

22. You and your father hug now that the wicked witch is dead and drive off for a perfect breakfast of pancakes and coffee.

23.

24. * * *

25.

26.

27. The sky is brilliant blue. Some say that the sky is blue because the water is reflected in the sky. I don't know. Maybe? All I know is that it is so hot here, things are shiny. Little white clouds punctuate the sky. I think the sky is a lot clearer than I am. I am full of emotion. I have been since my father announced he was marrying someone else. He left us for only 6 months when he came to dinner one night and says over stuffed shells that he is leaving.

28. My mom seemed happy that he was back, but then I guess she was giving me false hopes. Maybe she thought if I had hope in my eyes, he would stay. I could tell she knew, she let him to all the announcing. She just sat with a look like, See what I have endured.

29. "So, Noelle. You know, your mother and I have not been getting along for a while." Dad speaking. All I can see are the wrinkles under his eyes and the grey hair freakeling his temples. The cheese smells curdled. "We both love you.." Dad. I finish for him. "This is like some after school special. We love you. Things will be better, we will be happy. La di da. Bull *****!" Then the rest was a scripted version of divorce talks happening all over the country.

30. I tried to argue that divorce damages kids and he should reconsider, but he was determined. He just looked at me like I was the crazy one. He told me I would be just fine. Yeah, after I drain your bank account on therapy bills!

31. I don't know what my mother did to make him leave, but it must have been bad for him to leave like that.

32. He was gone the next day. I didn't even notice the boxes leave. He must have packed them while I was at school. When I got home from school he was gone.

33. Since then, I have been kind of going through the motions. Going to school, but not really...what is the word...I was not applying myself. That is what the school shrink said. So, then, I started to apply myself to destructive behavior -- another shrink word. Hang out with, what my mother and the school shrink called "an undesirable" crowd. At least those kids were taking action. If they were not feeling like life had anything to offer them, they were doing something about it. Yeah, some of them have experimented with drinking, and smoking. Not me. I just liked to hang out with them, because it seemed that as far as bad situations were concerned mine was not that bad. Their homes were nothing like mine. Like I said, I don't want to drink or smoke. That stuff kind of scares me, but being with the undesirable crowd was more fun than my other friends. The undesirable crowd were kind of exciting. You could say my dad found an undesirable crowd to hang out with. Mom and I just seemed like the boring desirable crowd?

34. My mom had enough when I told her that one of the girls was going to get pot from her stepfather for her birthday. I am so stupid. I told her like I would tell a friend. There was nothing to worry about, it is not like I was going to smoke pot. The next day, I was pulled from school and my mom sent me on a plane to Florida. She said I had to come to Florida. End of that story. Now I am here. Living with my fther and his undersirable crowd. My stepmother. Who SUCKS! It is cool to be with my dad, alone. When she is around there is a lot of noise and everything is about her.

35.

36. * * *

37.

38.

39. This morning she turned a lack of milk into some sort of personal assault. I trudged into the kitchen to get my typical Ovaltine and milk breakfast. Notice, I had not even been in the kitchen this morning and was greeted by my stepmother:

40. "Noelle, did you drink the last of the milk?"

41. "No. But if there is none, I am going to have a hungry morning."

42. "Noelle, why did you do this to me. I need milk for my coffee. I can't believe you would do this to me today!"

43. "Today is Wednesday."

44. "But, I have a lot to do today!"

45. "Why don't you get coffee on the way to work?"

46. "Noelle! Not the point...."

47.

48. Do you see. what I put up with. It got worse from there.

49.

50. "What is the point Stepmother. I have not been in the kitchen this morning. Notice, I am just coming down. Perhaps you should talk to that wonderful new husband you stole from a perfectly good wife?"

51. "Noelle, why are you so mean to me? Now my day is ruined. How am I going to function at work. I think I have a migraine. Ruinded." She says ruined over and over like I really did something. But just so I get the last word, I say: "You know, my day is not going to be so great either!" and leave.

52.

53. The sun is so hot here. I can feel the drops of sweat amassing themselves along my hairline. At least the hairline that people can see. I have a lot of hair missing on the back of my neck. That is why my hair is long. Not something I talk about much. Just something I do. I pull the hair off the back of neck. This is just the kind of morning I need. I am already going to get into trouble with my father when he gets home. I fought with my stepmother this morning. She is so annoying herself. I Just needed to start a fight with her. It is so easy sometimes. I know I shouldn't, I just do.

54.

55. You know how in the movies, if a girl ends up with an evil stepmother, her life ends up wonderful anyway? Well, that is not my life. I have a stepmother, and I hate her. My life is not all roses. I don't have the benefit of being beautiful like lots of girls in the movies either. I am not interested in being my best at anything. I am just trying to get out of high school. Maybe kiss a boy before I do. I live in southern Florida. It is hot here. We live by the water-- when I say we, I mean me, my dad when he is home, and my stepmonster. We will call her Beyonce (that is a nicer way to say ***** than b****, or beotch, etc.) Besides, she thinks I call her that because she sings all the time. So, that works for me.

56.

57. I like to daydream out the window as the bus wizzes down A1A. I am re-playing the conversation with Beyonce this morning when my body gets propelled into the seat in front of me. I sure there is an indentation of green pleather on my cheek. Great this will make my day even better. The bus has broken down on the side of the road. The steam pushes up from under the yellow hood like you would see in the movies. Bus Driver -- or fatty fatty 2X4 as the Populars call her --pulls the bus over to the side of A1A and unwedges herself from her pleather seat. The bus kind of jostles and she lumbers down the steps. She kind of teeters to the side as she thumps down the first step. I want to tell her to lay off the Twinkies if she can't even handle a few bus steps, but I keep it to myself. I just pull at some hairs on the back of my neck. I don't like the idea of the bus breaking down, makes me kind of jittery. If I had a bathing suit, I would bail on all of this and go swiming. Just like the undersirable crowd would do. I can see the ocean from A1A. I bet there are some school-cutters their today. Summer is coming, who wants to be in school anyway. But really, I would not do that. I am kind of a rule follower. I don't like this about myself, it is just what I do.

58.

59. I would like to make this Beyonce's fault. She got mad at me this morning for spilling ink on the carpet in my room. I said the blue was a nice contrast to the Laura Ashely pink sprayed across my room. She said I was ungrateful and should appreciate that she had curtains made from Laura Ashley sheets. How grateful can I be when I like black and dark music? I am a teen in the middle of lots of teen angst and she wants me to appreciate the petal pink paint, picture of ballet slippers on the wall, and matching comforter and curtains? I told her to have a baby girl of her own to torture if she wanted someone to appreciate this crap. That was not nice, I know that my father said no kids. One was enough he said. But she gets under my skin.

60.

61. I stumble down the black rubber steps to the gravel. I like the way it crunches under my feet. Like snow. The heat hits me like a wall when I emerge from the bus. We all huddle in a line along the silver baracade.I am in the back. The kids all kind of come together in this kind of situation. All social walls break down in the midst of a possible delay from school. It was like that back home. I grew up in Maryland. The possibility of a snow day brought kids together there. You could talk to anyone when there was a snow day or the possibility of a snow day. Once the snow hit the ground and you hit the sledding hill, all social walls were back up though.

62.

63. My black shirt is making staying cool an option out of reach. I try to make my frame concave. I don't want boob sweat make a line along my shirt.

64. "Everybody, line up along the barricade. Nobody leave. A replacement bus will be here soon!" Bellows Bus Driver. She huffs as she talks like standing is an effort. Again, I am thinking that maybe a few less Twinkies would be okay. I pull a strand of hair and watch it fall to my side. I see it float to the ground and wonder how it feels to lay on the hot gravel. Does hair melt? I had a tennis instructor fry an egg on the tennis court once. Is that hot enough to melt hair?

65.

66.

67.

68. * * *

69.

70.

71. I pull out my Stepmother Death Journal and start to write up a new entry about bus accidents involving stepmothers and doodling a scene. Just as I am thinking my day can't get any worse, a black car crunches up the gravel behind the bus as it pulls up next to me. I have seen this car before. It looks like the bat mobile to me. A corvette, black, with a girl who I recognize in it, pulls up next to the line of kids.

72. "Hey, anyone wanna ride?" She says kind of like she is joking, but she looks serious. "I won't bite!" She continues. My foot is a bit unbalanced and I sort of stumble a bit forward and catch myself by grabbing the silver divider. My burned hand jerks away from the divider and now I am committed to going over or looking like a jerk, so I walk over. My shirt indicates that I am cool and do not run with the ordinary crowd, so I can handle this.

73. "Hey! You wanna ride?" Andrea says. Her red hair is cut kind of short in a bob pulled back behind her ears and her blue eyes look intense. Made extra intense by her application of black eyeliner all the way around her eyes.

74. "Uh, I guess," I sort of mumble it. I want to sound sure, but I am not.

75. "Hey! puffs Bus Driver. Don't get in that car. You have to wait for the replacement bus!"

76. "Oh, Miss Neidhart, it is okay. I will take her," Andrea pushes her head out lifting her hand to wave at Bus Driver. Bus Driver seems to think that is okay and tells Andrea to say hi to her mom for her.

77. "Well, get in!" Andrea is looking at me and waving me into the passenger seat. I am kind of shaking inside as this is not in the rules anywhere. Buses are not supposed to break down and Andrea is not supposed to talk to me. She is not popular, but she is kind of cool. The kind of girl who gets along with everyone. I heave the heavy door open and car makes a heavy metal sound. The seat is lower than I am used to and I kind of flop into the seat. My heavy bag flumps onto my lap and I am having a hard time feeling relaxed. She can tell and she says, "Just push that into the back." Her voice sounds like she should smoke, but there is no smell of smoke in the car.

78. I feel the back of my neck with my fingers. If I liked to smoke, I would be wanting a cigarette now.

79. Andrea eyes me up.

80. "Ready?"

81. "Yeah." Is all I get out. She turns the wheel and gravel crunches for a minute as we disengage from the yellow mother ship. I am the only survivor as I blast off in the super cool bat mobile looking corvette of Andrea's. The engine is loud and kind of vibrates the car. I know I am going to have to yell to get out anything I want heard. I can't think of anything to say, so I say, "Wow, nice car."

82. Andrea, just shrugs and says, 'thanks.'

83. "Thanks for getting me out of there." Is my brilliant follow-up. She doesn't look at me or say anything until we stop at the light.

84. "Well, your welcome. You don't have to thank me though. You were the only one who stepped forward. Well, I guess you stumbled forward, but you know what I mean." I guess she caught that. I was hoping I looked cool, but I guess not. The story of my life. One more point for awkward.

85.

86.

87. * * *

88.

89.

90. "So, Noelle, right," She asks, looking at me now. Her eyes are really intense and she does not look away. She has bright pink hair. She did a good job. Most people try pink, but you can still see the underlying color of their hair. Not Andrea, she must have stripped and redyed her hair. I comend her on her comittment to the process.

91. "Yeah, I was...conceived on Christmas, so...Noelle is what they came up with. I gues it is better than Mistletoe or Banged-Your-Mother-Under-The-Christmas-Lights." Andrea lets out a hearty laugh which relaxes the knot in my stomach. She sort of generates a warm quality in her laugh.

92. "She slides a CD into the CD player and cranks the music. It is loud, electronic, and the voice is angst ridden. Female. She says in a serious tone, "I hope you like Banana Slug?"

93. "Of course, who doesn't?" I say with as much sarcasm as I can muster. She like that response. She laughs. I tell her I have never heard of Banana Slug. This gets another laugh, and the knot loosens. After a few minutes of teen angst music, she starts talking again.

94. "So, what are your plans Noelle?" I have no idea what this means, so I say--feeling more anxious now that she is not laughing anymore-- go to school, go home, ignore my stepmother until I have to get up an do it again tomorrow." With this I get another laugh, so I am feeling sort of good for the moment.

95. "I don't have a stepmother, just regular parents." Andrea offers this like she wished she did have a stepmother.

96. "Well, I hate mine and I am going to tell my father I hate her." I decided this on the bus this morning before it broke down. If she is going to make me miserable, there is no reason I can not tell my father that she does so. He would want to know, right?

97. "WHEN?" She askes in a loud and urgent voice. Her eyes urgently looking. The edge to her voice startles me and I ask, "When what?"

98. "When are you going to tell you father. You can not just tell him over dinner you know..." The seriousness in her voice echoes in the small black space of the batmobile.

99. "I don't have a plan for when I would tell my father this, I just want to. I think it would be cathartic to get it out in the open. Just let him know, that as far as choices of women goes, this was a bad one. She does nothing but make my life hell, his life hell, and everybody she comes into contact with hell.

100. "Okay. Sounds like a plan," She says.

101. The heat is trying to beat into the batmobile without success. The hum of the engine takes us all the way to school, I feel the knot loosen a little. It is really fun to ride in here with her. The sky is blue and the inside is cool and smells like other peoples lives. The clouds, full of potential, gathering in the sky in the distance for a typical Florida storm. Maybe today won't be so bad.

102.

103. * * *

104.

105.

106. We pull up to school and a few buses are here already. Andrea gets out and I fumble to open my door and trip out, banging my knee on the black pavement. I am so nervous I don't know wether to sit, spin, or wind my watch. The coolest undesirable at this school gave me a ride. Wow. She walks around the front, kind of giggling and says: You okay? with her lip raised up in the corner... I jump up,assure her I am fine and we walk to the school. Many kids ar clumped together outside of the school waiting until the last minute to enter. You can do that in the morning. It is hot, but not like it will be at noon.

107. We enter the front and the airconditioning hits us like a blanket. I shiver at the sudden temperature change and slump forward. Andrea seems unaffected. Head up, eyes forward. A few waves here and there. As we pass the front office, I catch sight of Mrs. Burgett, the school counseler. She is looking at me. Right at me. At look back and she waves me into the front office. Crap.

108. She has straight Jennifer Aniston hair and is a petite size two. She is kind of 2-dimensional she is so skinny. She also wears high wedges and fashionable clothing. She would not be caught dead wearing pumpkin earings on halloween.

109. "Wow, what did you do at your old school to have her stare at you like that?" Andrea questions me and I have not answers. Mrs. Burgett, waves at me again to come into the main office. Great. I don't need another counseler talking to me about things they kow nothing about. I peel away from Andrea and go into the main office. As soon as the the door closes behind me, the room is silent. They must have installed special glass to keep the noise out, because it is completely quient in here. Mrs. Burgett comes over and opens the half wall wooden door to let me into the inner sanctum of the main office. She leads me past a few offices to her office. It is mostly occupied by her large wooden desk. The walls are simple except for a few degrees hung over her head.

110. There are two chairs for me to choose from directly in front of the desk. She sits on the other side of the desk. I choose the chair on the right, wondering if she is analyzing my choice in chairs. "So, Noelle, right?" I don't get a chance to answer. "I just wanted to get a chance to personally introduce myself to you." I still don't get a chance to answer. "I got an email from the counseler at your other school. She said you were having a hard time with your parents separation. I know that it is hard to have parents who are divorced, but I don't want you to use this troubling time as an excuse to do poorly in school."

111. This time, I get a chance to talk. "I was sent here by my mother with the help of my grandmother, because I was not doing well in school. I saw a therapist for a while and told her I was not doing well because my mom drinks and my dad is a philanderer. She said I was using that as a crutch and that I should try to think more positively. Like I am really liking the fact that my mom drinks and my dad philanders. If I was going to pick a crutch, I would pick gobs of money or luxurious hair. Not the propensity to drink and cheat. Thank you Mrs. Burgett, I appreciate your concern. I am fine though, really. Just usual teen angst stuff." She looks at me blankly for aminute. I guess she did not expect that to come out of my mouth, but it did.

112. She writes me a pass to first period and I am out of there.

113.

114.

115.

116.