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"Hand in Hand, Chapter 4" by iwontbefound

In the fourth chapter, Adam decides to tell his mother about his situation.

Category: Book Chapter

Tags: Fiction, Drama, Love, Struggle, Friendship

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Anna sat there, just watching his chest rise and fall. When she finally left the room, quiet as a mouse, she saw that the sun was already down. She grabbed her phone off the kitchen table where she'd left it, and glanced at the time. "Jeez." She saw that she had three missed calls, and seven new text messages. She checked the calls first, as usual. "Dad, Suze, Suze," she read aloud. Her texts showed a similar pattern, so once she'd called her father and chatted for a few minutes, revealing nothing she'd learned earlier, she gave Susie a call. Susie was Adam's mother, but had become much of a mother to Anna as well over the years.


As the phone rang, she went over to the sleek black refrigerator and pulled out a Gatorade. That had always been Adam's beverage of choice. She smiled, glimpsing the photographs all taped to the fridge.


"Anna!" Susie sighed into the phone.


"Hey Suze." Anna replied, taking a seat on the cool silver chair nearest the door. "What's up? You called a few times..."


"I couldn't get ahold of you, and I've been trying Adam all day! Have you heard from him? I tried having Bobby call a few times, but he still didn't answer! He never does this!"


"Yeah. I'm at his place now, neither of us had our phones though. Sorry." She bit her lip and paused, contemplating the best way to go about this. "Have you uh, has he talked to you about, well...Do you know he's sick?" She shook her head, knowing she wasn't supposed to tell but not feeling right keeping something like this from his mother.


"Oh! Oh, he is? No, he didn't tell me. I know he had a sore throat last week, but he didn't tell me he was still sick! He should probably have a Strep test done, he hasn't gotten it yet this year so he's probably about due."


Anna sighed. She stood to get herself a mug of coffee, wrapping her fingers around the warmth of the base, rather than the safety of the cool handle. "He doesn't have Strep." She allowed the hot liquid to coat the back of her throat with that familiar feeling of crisp, dry flavor that comes only from a fresh cup of coffee. "I can't believe how much snow we've got." She added, hoping the subject change might keep her from having to explain.


It worked. Susie chuckled lightly, informing Anna that she didn't know snow until she lived in Erie for a few years. Anna, however, was barely listening. She was, instead, examining the lines; the varying shades of brown in the hardwood floor upon which she stood. It somehow helped her to know that  even though she felt so shaken, so unstable, this floor would manage to hold her up. Even when the foundation of her life was crumbling, this old apartment that had become a second home would remain unchanged.


"Anna-girl?" She looked up, realizing that she had missed every word Susie'd said. "You there?"


"Sorry." Anna bit her lip. "I'm really tired." It wasn't a lie, she was absolutely exhausted and the coffee wasn't even touching it. "Did I miss anything good?" She half-laughed, hoping it didn't sound too fake.


Susie finished the laugh for her. "Well, go to bed you silly goose! You do need to learn how to sleep like a normal person, you know..."


Anna swallowed hard. "I know." Her eyes were constantly just a little bloodshot, surrounded by the dark circles she covered up with her ivory foundation every day. "I'm probably going to switch medications again soon." Dramatically, she tended to claim that her insomnia was "killing" her. She'd be less quick to use that term again from now on. "I'll call you in a little bit, okay?"


"Sure, let me know if you need anything. Don't let Adam get away with TOO much, either. I know how you spoil him when he's sick."


"Right." She rolled her eyes. "Wouldn't dream of it. Love you."


"Love you too." Susie said without hesitation. This was their routine to end every single phone call.


"Mom?" Adam asked, standing in the narrow doorway.


Anna jumped, and turned around to find him leaning against the white, stucco wall. "Don't do that!" She laughed. "Yeah, it was your mom." Her smile turned tense. "You're going to have to tell her..."


He nodded, unfazed. "I know. I'm going to. She's gonna be really pissed that I kept it from her, anyway. I might as well get it over with." With that, he picked up his Blackberry and dialed the familiar number, not even bothering to use the speed dial.

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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy the chapter. The chapter was okay. I really enjoyed the chapter.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the chapter.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not credible, interesting or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters where somewhat credible, interesting and unique. I partially understand their thoughts, feelings, and actions. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters where credible, interesting and unique. I thoroughly understand their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and started to care about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: Chapter Ending

If there is another chapter I don’t have any desire to read it. The ending was OK. I am not dying to know what happens next but I am interested in finding out. The ending left me craving the next chapter. I have to know what happens next.

Category Name: Setting

I don’t know when or where this chapter takes place. The setting was inadequately described or inappropriately used. I know when and where the chapter takes place but I can only vaguely picture it in my mind. The setting did not add to or distract from the chapter. I know when and where the chapter takes place. The setting enhanced the chapter and helped me better understand the characters or plot.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

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Category Name: Dialog

The dialog caused more confusion than clarification about the characters. It was almost impossible to follow. Some of the dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. I could follow the dialog when paying close attention. The dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. The dialog flowed well and was easy to follow.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1. Anna sat there, just watching his chest rise and fall. When she finally left the room, quiet as a mouse, she saw that the sun was already down. She grabbed her phone off the kitchen table where she'd left it, and glanced at the time. "Jeez." She saw that she had three missed calls, and seven new text messages. She checked the calls first, as usual. "Dad, Suze, Suze," she read aloud. Her texts showed a similar pattern, so once she'd called her father and chatted for a few minutes, revealing nothing she'd learned earlier, she gave Susie a call. Susie was Adam's mother, but had become much of a mother to Anna as well over the years.

2.

3. As the phone rang, she went over to the sleek black refrigerator and pulled out a Gatorade. That had always been Adam's beverage of choice. She smiled, glimpsing the photographs all taped to the fridge.

4.

5. "Anna!" Susie sighed into the phone.

6.

7. "Hey Suze." Anna replied, taking a seat on the cool silver chair nearest the door. "What's up? You called a few times..."

8.

9. "I couldn't get ahold of you, and I've been trying Adam all day! Have you heard from him? I tried having Bobby call a few times, but he still didn't answer! He never does this!"

10.

11. "Yeah. I'm at his place now, neither of us had our phones though. Sorry." She bit her lip and paused, contemplating the best way to go about this. "Have you uh, has he talked to you about, well...Do you know he's sick?" She shook her head, knowing she wasn't supposed to tell but not feeling right keeping something like this from his mother.

12.

13. "Oh! Oh, he is? No, he didn't tell me. I know he had a sore throat last week, but he didn't tell me he was still sick! He should probably have a Strep test done, he hasn't gotten it yet this year so he's probably about due."

14.

15. Anna sighed. She stood to get herself a mug of coffee, wrapping her fingers around the warmth of the base, rather than the safety of the cool handle. "He doesn't have Strep." She allowed the hot liquid to coat the back of her throat with that familiar feeling of crisp, dry flavor that comes only from a fresh cup of coffee. "I can't believe how much snow we've got." She added, hoping the subject change might keep her from having to explain.

16.

17. It worked. Susie chuckled lightly, informing Anna that she didn't know snow until she lived in Erie for a few years. Anna, however, was barely listening. She was, instead, examining the lines; the varying shades of brown in the hardwood floor upon which she stood. It somehow helped her to know that  even though she felt so shaken, so unstable, this floor would manage to hold her up. Even when the foundation of her life was crumbling, this old apartment that had become a second home would remain unchanged.

18.

19. "Anna-girl?" She looked up, realizing that she had missed every word Susie'd said. "You there?"

20.

21. "Sorry." Anna bit her lip. "I'm really tired." It wasn't a lie, she was absolutely exhausted and the coffee wasn't even touching it. "Did I miss anything good?" She half-laughed, hoping it didn't sound too fake.

22.

23. Susie finished the laugh for her. "Well, go to bed you silly goose! You do need to learn how to sleep like a normal person, you know..."

24.

25. Anna swallowed hard. "I know." Her eyes were constantly just a little bloodshot, surrounded by the dark circles she covered up with her ivory foundation every day. "I'm probably going to switch medications again soon." Dramatically, she tended to claim that her insomnia was "killing" her. She'd be less quick to use that term again from now on. "I'll call you in a little bit, okay?"

26.

27. "Sure, let me know if you need anything. Don't let Adam get away with TOO much, either. I know how you spoil him when he's sick."

28.

29. "Right." She rolled her eyes. "Wouldn't dream of it. Love you."

30.

31. "Love you too." Susie said without hesitation. This was their routine to end every single phone call.

32.

33. "Mom?" Adam asked, standing in the narrow doorway.

34.

35. Anna jumped, and turned around to find him leaning against the white, stucco wall. "Don't do that!" She laughed. "Yeah, it was your mom." Her smile turned tense. "You're going to have to tell her..."

36.

37. He nodded, unfazed. "I know. I'm going to. She's gonna be really pissed that I kept it from her, anyway. I might as well get it over with." With that, he picked up his Blackberry and dialed the familiar number, not even bothering to use the speed dial.

Reviews that have been completed within the last 30 days

  • See the full page version of this review potionsprincess - Dec 19, 2011

    (6 stars) more »

    I haven't read your other chapters so maybe i'm off a bit, but i think some parts were confusing during the dialouge and i just felt that this chapter lacked seriousness. i felt like his sickness is a big deal, and i just didn't feel like it.

    (7 stars) more »

    didn't see much development in this chapter.

    (7 stars) more »

    a tad weak. could have been better

    (8 stars) more »

    not much setting

    (7 stars) more »

    confusing during the dialouge at times

    (6 stars) more »

    i mentioned this before