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"You With The Ray Bans---Coffee In One Hand, Book In The Other *REVISED*" by JJFoxhound

This is an ad I placed in the Personals section, and later turned in to my English class for my observation paper.

Category: Article / Essay

Tags: romance, nonfiction, comedy, humor, young love

You can do an inline review of this work in the review tab.

                                                  You With The Ray Bans---Coffee In One Hand, Book In The Other

          I haven't actually met you; in fact, I'm almost certain you don't exist---but I wait notwithstanding for the day you happen to cross my path.  You like the rhythm and vibe of Citizen Cope and the lyrical genius that makes Third Eye Blind.  You listen to Euro-pop in suburban America, Christmas music in July, and 80's hip-hop in a suit.  You've got an incredible sense of fashion: sweaters, cardigans, band t-shirts, blazers, an array of hats, and jeans that make your a*s look like a Georgia peach in August.  You could spend the day browsing the library, or riding the train just to take interesting pictures of peculiar people.  You're always reading a book, you put your music player on shuffle, and you keep a journal of all your road trips.  You've got a mysterious look that dissolves the instant you smile, displaying your pristine collection of ivory white piano-key teeth that I could only dream of serenading with my tongue.  You're an incredible flirt and make love like a rock star.  You lack pretentiousness even though your tastes could surely merit it.  You're not a gym buff, you lack bad tattoos, and you don't drive a diesel.  You're cultured, well traveled, well spoken, and well read.  You may or may not ride a vintage bike, cook divine worldly food, have an enormous record collection, and/or play music of your own.  You are my ideal boyfriend.

          I'm being a bit unrealistic; this I know.  Each night in bed, I wallow in misery listening to the sounds of nature (on CD of course, which further blurs my concept of reality) hoping that somewhere---through my rose-colored glasses and over the illusory rainbow, my knight in shining Wayfarers will skate up to my window and prove that there are indeed perfect men out there.  Until then, I skip to the seventh track of my nature CD and listen to the sound of "Midnight Thunder" to drown out the obnoxiously loud reality knocking at my door.








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Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the piece or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the piece or understand what the author intended to convey. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

Note: The purpose of Review Fuse reviews is NOT to provide comprehensive copy editing, but rather to provide constructive criticism. Reviewers should not feel obliged to point out every grammar or spelling error (though they certainly can if they wish), but should focus on this area only to the degree that errors make a story hard to follow or understand.

Category Name: Structure

The organization needs to be improved. This piece was cluttered and unconvincing. The organization was okay. The ideas were generally organized and mostly convincing. The organization of this piece was outstanding. The ideas were organized very well and presented in a convincing manner.

Category Name: Voice

The voice was not strong, consistent, or appropriate in this piece. This piece’s style and grasp of language need serious improvement. The voice was generally strong, consistent and appropriate. This style was good and the grasp of language adequate. The voice was delivered in a strong, consistent, and appropriate manner. This piece was skillfully styled and demonstrated a strong grasp of language.

Category Name: Subject Matter

My terminal insomnia has been cured. The subject matter was presented in a very dull and cursory manner. The examples did not illustrate the points well. I found this piece fairly interesting and the examples somewhat effective in illustrating the points. It could have been a bit more thorough. The subject matter very interesting, thoroughly presented, and the examples helped illustrate the points perfectly.

Category Name: Logic

The sentences did not flow and transition naturally. The ideas were presented out of order and hard to follow which discredited the argument(s). Overall the sentences flowed and transitioned naturally. The ideas were generally presented in orderwell ordered and easy to follow which strengthened the argument(s). The sentences flowed and transitioned naturally. The ideas were presented in orderwell ordered and easy to follow which solidified the argument(s).

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1.                                                   You With The Ray Bans---Coffee In One Hand, Book In The Other

2.           I haven't actually met you; in fact, I'm almost certain you don't exist---but I wait notwithstanding for the day you happen to cross my path.  You like the rhythm and vibe of Citizen Cope and the lyrical genius that makes Third Eye Blind.  You listen to Euro-pop in suburban America, Christmas music in July, and 80's hip-hop in a suit.  You've got an incredible sense of fashion: sweaters, cardigans, band t-shirts, blazers, an array of hats, and jeans that make your a*s look like a Georgia peach in August.  You could spend the day browsing the library, or riding the train just to take interesting pictures of peculiar people.  You're always reading a book, you put your music player on shuffle, and you keep a journal of all your road trips.  You've got a mysterious look that dissolves the instant you smile, displaying your pristine collection of ivory white piano-key teeth that I could only dream of serenading with my tongue.  You're an incredible flirt and make love like a rock star.  You lack pretentiousness even though your tastes could surely merit it.  You're not a gym buff, you lack bad tattoos, and you don't drive a diesel.  You're cultured, well traveled, well spoken, and well read.  You may or may not ride a vintage bike, cook divine worldly food, have an enormous record collection, and/or play music of your own.  You are my ideal boyfriend.

3.           I'm being a bit unrealistic; this I know.  Each night in bed, I wallow in misery listening to the sounds of nature (on CD of course, which further blurs my concept of reality) hoping that somewhere---through my rose-colored glasses and over the illusory rainbow, my knight in shining Wayfarers will skate up to my window and prove that there are indeed perfect men out there.  Until then, I skip to the seventh track of my nature CD and listen to the sound of "Midnight Thunder" to drown out the obnoxiously loud reality knocking at my door.

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