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"Second beginning" by Eskelde09

there are two separate stories here; a sort of post-apocalyptic time-line in which Rico has caused the destruction of an entire mountain range, and the story of how this happened. The intention is that this will span two books and that at the end of the second will have the "earlier" story meet the beginning of the later.

Category: Book: 1st Chapter

Tags: fiction, fantasy, magic, coming of age, post apocalyptic, romance, action, adventure

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My name is Rico Shantrell. I’ve been around the world in more ways than you will ever understand, but I am home again. I wish that I weren’t; there is so much I wish I had done differently, but the facts will never change. Ambyr is gone, completely gone, and much of northern Tyrus with it. Worse than the fact that my home is now a puddle of molten stone is that I know, as the whole continent knows, that it’s my fault.

Much of the known world wants me dead. I don’t blame them; I do too. It’s the worst guilt you can imagine. It’s not as though I could have saved them and I didn’t… it’s not even as though I started a chain of events that led here. If I had made even one different choice; if I had ignored the visions, or if I had reacted with even a slight delay, they would still be here. She would still be here.

I suppose I should begin at the beginning… But where’s that? I’ll explain how things are now before explaining how they got here. The continent we live on is called Tyrus, and Ambyr was on the summit of one of the mountains on the northern coast. The whole northwestern… chunk… is laid bare. The fires are out, mostly, but only because there’s nothing left to burn. The mountain range was apparently a network of volcanoes, and they’ve all erupted on this side of the pass. The lava has mostly cooled, and already some people have started bringing seeds. There’s a camp of sorts, and it’s growing. People are constantly coming in from… well, everywhere. Kings and shamans and clan chiefs are meeting on the road to meet here. The only possible benefit of all this is that at least the world world is united… unfortunately, nobody agrees on what to do. An advance party from Aed says that nothing can happen until all the major powers are assembled. Some of the northern warlords say that nothing should be done at all, and that it’s the job of the locals to do whatever seems necessary. The survivors are suddenly in the middle of the largest collection royalty history has ever seen, and they don’t know what to do. They chose to make me figure it out.

After the very initial shock wore off, the locals and soldiers who were still able began to clear out rubble, hunt, and generally clean up. Everybody who could do something was doing it, but nobody was really awake. I’m not sure exactly when it became noticeable, but there was a quiet music permeating the town. As the people started to notice it, it grew. I followed it, like many, to the center of town. There was a man there, sitting on the ground and weeping over the body of his son. Between sobs he choked out an old and well-loved melody and as people arrived they joined in. When the song was over the crowd fell silent, as though expecting someone to do something. The man sighed and pushed himself to his feet. He looked around at us and at me, and suddenly he was stone. His face shone with resolve and his posture became strong. He lifted his head and his finger and pointed at me.

“This man deserves to die.” The crowd stirred with a mixture of agreement and fear. “He deserves to die, but we can’t let him. He has caused me too much pain. He’s caused us all more pain and suffering than we could ever inflict upon him in death. What we need to do now is force him to bear his burden. He needs to hold the responsibility of his actions and we will make sure he does. What better way to make him pay for what he’s done?” He sat himself back down and touched his son’s face. People looked back and forth between me and him, and realized he was done. They went back to what they were doing, mostly, but with a vigor they had lacked before. Somehow, I was now in charge of the whole effort to rebuild. Once people finished one job, say finding a burying a loved one, they came to me for a new task. So I sent some to get ready for trips to towns for help and contact, others to log trees for fences and some basic cabins. It was weird, but I’ve gotten used to it.

That was almost three weeks ago, but I’ve just now had time to stop and write. I intend to keep this as a journal, chronicling the birth of our new society. I don’t believe that much will change, but this is a rare opportunity to build a truly great world. This is day 19 of Rebirth.

-RS



“Well, what do you think I should do now?” Rico closes the book and looks around. The room is small and mostly bare, but the stone of the walls lends it a sense of dignity rather than poverty. There’s a small window that faces the sunset, and a chair that face that. The desk at which he sits is fairly basic, but it’s sturdy enough for his purposes. His addressee, Clare, is resting in a slightly larger and more padded chair near the fire. She’s not tall, but she is by no means short either. Her hair is dark and long, her skin is tanned but only slightly, and her physique is flattering. She shifts her weight to get a better look and smiles.

“You’re done? That wasn’t long.” She speaks softly but has no trouble being heard.

“I’ve been thinking about these words for weeks. Usually I’d have to figure out what was important and what wasn’t, and how best to word this and so on, but today I just needed to put the letters on the page. I’ve got a little time before I need to go find my bed… what should I do? Take a walk and survey the buildings? Check in on the infirmary? Visit the fence?” He wears a sad half-smile. He’s tall, very tall, and has the body of a runner, full of lean muscle. His hair is the same color as a good cranberry, except for one lock over his left eye that is the color of tarnished silver. It once shone brighter than the sun, but in the past year or so it had started to fade. His face was somber but not entirely defeated. He looks… aged. Not old, but older than he should be.

“Maybe you should do something more relaxed… you can’t bear the world on your shoulders constantly and hope to do it properly the whole time.” Clare smiles at him. “It’s nearly sunset… why don’t I go gather a couple of things and we can sit on the hill and watch it?”

“That sounds nice.” His smile is now a full and genuine one. “I’ll meet you under the cherry tree in… fifteen minutes?”

“It’s a date. Don’t you dare be late…” she lets out a small tinkle of a laugh and stands up. “Remember, you’ll have to answer to me in the morning.” [it's the next part that's giving me trouble]


Rico rose with the sun. His was a fairly regimented life; each day he woke outside by the pond, in which he would then bathe. He would put on his robes and feed the livestock, and then he would tend to his rock garden. After that he would go wake and Rhys. Today Rhys was up in a tree. He was also a lion.

“Come on, that’s not fair. How did you even get up there? There’s like… three branches.” Rico stood at the bottom of the tree and looked up. “And why a lion? It’s freezing.”

Rhys rolled his head over and opened one large bronze eye. “I was trying to sleep in today. I figured a lion in a tree should be intimidating enough to keep you away…” he closed it again. “Obviously I was wrong.”

“That… really wasn’t what I asked.” Rico turned and started walking toward one of the huts on the other side of the local fishpond. “I suppose it doesn’t matter… I’ll be back in a while. You know how it goes.” Rhys turned himself over and made a show of yawning.

“I’ll be here. Don’t hurry.”



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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy the chapter. The chapter was okay. I really enjoyed the chapter.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the chapter.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not credible, interesting or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters where somewhat credible, interesting and unique. I partially understand their thoughts, feelings, and actions. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters where credible, interesting and unique. I thoroughly understand their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and started to care about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: The Beginning

The chapter did not introduce a problem. I really don’t want to read the next chapter. The chapter introduces a problem for the protagonist, but I don’t know why it’s important and/or it does not feel like an immediate resolution is needed. I might read the next chapter. The chapter introduced an immediate and important problem for the protagonist. I really want to know what happens in the next chapter.

The first chapter, especially the first sentence, needs to pull a reader into the story and make them crave more.

Category Name: Setting

I don’t know when or where this chapter takes place. The setting was inadequately described or inappropriately used. I know when and where the chapter takes place but I can only vaguely picture it in my mind. The setting did not add to or distract from the chapter. I know when and where the chapter takes place. The setting enhanced the chapter and helped me better understand the characters or plot.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

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Category Name: Dialog

The dialog caused more confusion than clarification about the characters. It was almost impossible to follow. Some of the dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. I could follow the dialog when paying close attention. The dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. The dialog flowed well and was easy to follow.

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1. My name is Rico Shantrell. I’ve been around the world in more ways than you will ever understand, but I am home again. I wish that I weren’t; there is so much I wish I had done differently, but the facts will never change. Ambyr is gone, completely gone, and much of northern Tyrus with it. Worse than the fact that my home is now a puddle of molten stone is that I know, as the whole continent knows, that it’s my fault.

2. Much of the known world wants me dead. I don’t blame them; I do too. It’s the worst guilt you can imagine. It’s not as though I could have saved them and I didn’t… it’s not even as though I started a chain of events that led here. If I had made even one different choice; if I had ignored the visions, or if I had reacted with even a slight delay, they would still be here. She would still be here.

3. I suppose I should begin at the beginning… But where’s that? I’ll explain how things are now before explaining how they got here. The continent we live on is called Tyrus, and Ambyr was on the summit of one of the mountains on the northern coast. The whole northwestern… chunk… is laid bare. The fires are out, mostly, but only because there’s nothing left to burn. The mountain range was apparently a network of volcanoes, and they’ve all erupted on this side of the pass. The lava has mostly cooled, and already some people have started bringing seeds. There’s a camp of sorts, and it’s growing. People are constantly coming in from… well, everywhere. Kings and shamans and clan chiefs are meeting on the road to meet here. The only possible benefit of all this is that at least the world world is united… unfortunately, nobody agrees on what to do. An advance party from Aed says that nothing can happen until all the major powers are assembled. Some of the northern warlords say that nothing should be done at all, and that it’s the job of the locals to do whatever seems necessary. The survivors are suddenly in the middle of the largest collection royalty history has ever seen, and they don’t know what to do. They chose to make me figure it out.

4. After the very initial shock wore off, the locals and soldiers who were still able began to clear out rubble, hunt, and generally clean up. Everybody who could do something was doing it, but nobody was really awake. I’m not sure exactly when it became noticeable, but there was a quiet music permeating the town. As the people started to notice it, it grew. I followed it, like many, to the center of town. There was a man there, sitting on the ground and weeping over the body of his son. Between sobs he choked out an old and well-loved melody and as people arrived they joined in. When the song was over the crowd fell silent, as though expecting someone to do something. The man sighed and pushed himself to his feet. He looked around at us and at me, and suddenly he was stone. His face shone with resolve and his posture became strong. He lifted his head and his finger and pointed at me.

5. “This man deserves to die.” The crowd stirred with a mixture of agreement and fear. “He deserves to die, but we can’t let him. He has caused me too much pain. He’s caused us all more pain and suffering than we could ever inflict upon him in death. What we need to do now is force him to bear his burden. He needs to hold the responsibility of his actions and we will make sure he does. What better way to make him pay for what he’s done?” He sat himself back down and touched his son’s face. People looked back and forth between me and him, and realized he was done. They went back to what they were doing, mostly, but with a vigor they had lacked before. Somehow, I was now in charge of the whole effort to rebuild. Once people finished one job, say finding a burying a loved one, they came to me for a new task. So I sent some to get ready for trips to towns for help and contact, others to log trees for fences and some basic cabins. It was weird, but I’ve gotten used to it.

6. That was almost three weeks ago, but I’ve just now had time to stop and write. I intend to keep this as a journal, chronicling the birth of our new society. I don’t believe that much will change, but this is a rare opportunity to build a truly great world. This is day 19 of Rebirth.

7. -RS

8.

9.

10. “Well, what do you think I should do now?” Rico closes the book and looks around. The room is small and mostly bare, but the stone of the walls lends it a sense of dignity rather than poverty. There’s a small window that faces the sunset, and a chair that face that. The desk at which he sits is fairly basic, but it’s sturdy enough for his purposes. His addressee, Clare, is resting in a slightly larger and more padded chair near the fire. She’s not tall, but she is by no means short either. Her hair is dark and long, her skin is tanned but only slightly, and her physique is flattering. She shifts her weight to get a better look and smiles.

11. “You’re done? That wasn’t long.” She speaks softly but has no trouble being heard.

12. “I’ve been thinking about these words for weeks. Usually I’d have to figure out what was important and what wasn’t, and how best to word this and so on, but today I just needed to put the letters on the page. I’ve got a little time before I need to go find my bed… what should I do? Take a walk and survey the buildings? Check in on the infirmary? Visit the fence?” He wears a sad half-smile. He’s tall, very tall, and has the body of a runner, full of lean muscle. His hair is the same color as a good cranberry, except for one lock over his left eye that is the color of tarnished silver. It once shone brighter than the sun, but in the past year or so it had started to fade. His face was somber but not entirely defeated. He looks… aged. Not old, but older than he should be.

13. “Maybe you should do something more relaxed… you can’t bear the world on your shoulders constantly and hope to do it properly the whole time.” Clare smiles at him. “It’s nearly sunset… why don’t I go gather a couple of things and we can sit on the hill and watch it?”

14. “That sounds nice.” His smile is now a full and genuine one. “I’ll meet you under the cherry tree in… fifteen minutes?”

15. “It’s a date. Don’t you dare be late…” she lets out a small tinkle of a laugh and stands up. “Remember, you’ll have to answer to me in the morning.” [it's the next part that's giving me trouble]

16.

17. Rico rose with the sun. His was a fairly regimented life; each day he woke outside by the pond, in which he would then bathe. He would put on his robes and feed the livestock, and then he would tend to his rock garden. After that he would go wake and Rhys. Today Rhys was up in a tree. He was also a lion.

18. “Come on, that’s not fair. How did you even get up there? There’s like… three branches.” Rico stood at the bottom of the tree and looked up. “And why a lion? It’s freezing.”

19. Rhys rolled his head over and opened one large bronze eye. “I was trying to sleep in today. I figured a lion in a tree should be intimidating enough to keep you away…” he closed it again. “Obviously I was wrong.”

20. “That… really wasn’t what I asked.” Rico turned and started walking toward one of the huts on the other side of the local fishpond. “I suppose it doesn’t matter… I’ll be back in a while. You know how it goes.” Rhys turned himself over and made a show of yawning.

21. “I’ll be here. Don’t hurry.”

22.

23.

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