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"Phone Call" by Chris_Weallans

T call from a lover can sometimes be as intense as their actual pressence. Be warned

Category: Poetry

Tags: Phone, lovers, intimacy, words

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PHONE CALL

By Chris Weallans


You woke me in the thin dawn.

Like a riot of rain in the bleached dry summer.


At once small green shreds of shrub sprang from my heart

as tumbling birdsong might litter the long pale sky. 


I drift on your voice through the shallow line

And let these traces seep into my flesh

like a soft assault on my senses.


I hear the words and picture your lips

Folding around consonants like a dance.


I hear the breath that carries the sound.

I taste the phrases lingering on your tongue

And I hunger for your kiss

 

We thread these words to spin this cloth of gold

to carry the sense of it in whispered utterings


This silken tease with a sprinkle of cool excitement

Fluttering in our ears as we talk of kisses and anatomy.


Would I soften your eyelids

entice your body into fevered adventures

like echoes in the rush of nerves

seeking to be sated with a touch?


Would I taste each longing

with the erupting blessings of my tongue?

Would I ache inside you

as deep as words

and far beneath the longings of the flesh?


It seems sometimes that every cell is sighing

with a simpering listless want to be included

in the haunting breath of a lover's call.



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Category Name: My Thoughts

I didn’t care for this poem at all. It lacked originality, purpose, good word choice, or was otherwise uninteresting. This poem was okay. It would have been better if the poet had given the theme, word choice, or form more careful thought. This poem was great. The form and word choice seemed natural and added to the main idea the poet was putting across.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the poem.

Category Name: Theme / Subject Matter

The poet does little to make the theme or subject matter seem important to me. There are some cool things about the way the theme or subject matter is handled, but it could use more originality or clarity. The poem makes the subject matter new and exciting. Even if the subject matter is ordinary, the poet gives it a new angle.

Is the subject or theme poetry “worthy?” Is it original? Is the subject treated in such a way that makes it interesting, funny, creative, beautiful, surprising, enlightening or otherwise worthwhile? Ordinary subjects make for great poetry if they are treated in an original way, and great subjects make for bad poetry if they are just like every other poem written about it.

Category Name: Word Choice

The words chosen for this poem are dull, contrived, or hastily chosen. The words seem almost right, but there may be some wrenching or some words that don’t quite fit into the overall idea. The words choice is great. The words seem exactly right to convey the theme. They are beautifully or creatively chosen, surprising or exciting.

Poetry is language in its most concentrated form. More so than in any other type of literature, this requires the poet to carefully choose each word. Do the words chosen convey a specific intention, feeling or purpose? Do they feel deliberate but natural, or do the feel forced, awkward, or hasty?

Category Name: Form & Structure

This poem seemed spewed onto the page without any thought given to form of any kind. The poem has been thought out, but doesn’t quite fit the form or seems a little forced or unnatural in some places. The poem naturally conforms to the form, or the free verse takes meter, enjambment, etc. into consideration in an effective way.

Form is the defining structure of a genre or type. Does the poem follow a predefined form (sonnet, haiku, villanelle, ballad, etc)? If so, does it conform to the rules of the form (meter, rhyme, syllable count, etc)? If the poem does not follow a form, does it make sense not to? Is there something that differentiates the poem from prose?

Category Name: Mechanics

The poet seems to have taken little or no thought for the punctuation in this poem. The poet has some really interesting things going on with the punctuation or line length, but it could be more exciting or surprising, or it could be scaled back to be less distracting. The punctuation compliments and adds to the meaning of the poem’s words or theme. It is deliberate and well thought out.

Punctuation (or lack there of), line breaks, enjambment, capitalization, lineation, etc. Not everyone can be e.e. cummings and eschew all punctuation and convention of line, but poetry doesn’t always need to follow strict grammar rules either, as long as whatever punctuation is or is not used adds to the overall idea of the poem.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1. PHONE CALL

2. By Chris Weallans

3.

4. You woke me in the thin dawn.

5. Like a riot of rain in the bleached dry summer.

6.

7. At once small green shreds of shrub sprang from my heart

8. as tumbling birdsong might litter the long pale sky. 

9.

10. I drift on your voice through the shallow line

11. And let these traces seep into my flesh

12. like a soft assault on my senses.

13.

14. I hear the words and picture your lips

15. Folding around consonants like a dance.

16.

17. I hear the breath that carries the sound.

18. I taste the phrases lingering on your tongue

19. And I hunger for your kiss

20.  

21. We thread these words to spin this cloth of gold

22. to carry the sense of it in whispered utterings

23.

24. This silken tease with a sprinkle of cool excitement

25. Fluttering in our ears as we talk of kisses and anatomy.

26.

27. Would I soften your eyelids

28. entice your body into fevered adventures

29. like echoes in the rush of nerves

30. seeking to be sated with a touch?

31.

32. Would I taste each longing

33. with the erupting blessings of my tongue?

34. Would I ache inside you

35. as deep as words

36. and far beneath the longings of the flesh?

37.

38. It seems sometimes that every cell is sighing

39. with a simpering listless want to be included

40. in the haunting breath of a lover's call.

41.

42.

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