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"In Love With a Vampire" by booboobeckie

Jake is a vampire who likes Jess and Jess likes him but neither know it.

Category: Contests / Flash Fiction Writing Contest

Tags: vampire romance

You can do an inline review of this work in the review tab.

Jess has Blonde hair and chrystal blue eyes. Jake has dark wavy brown hair and green eyes.

Jess sat in her vampire friend Jake's bedroom looking around at the big room. It was mostly black, it had a bed with black satin sheets. The room also had a table stand next to the bed that was brown. There was a black soft rug in the middle of the floor that sat on wooden floors. There was a sliding glass door and a desk sat next to the door."It's really beautiful,"she said to him.

"That's because you're in it," Jake whispered.

Jess blushed slightly then tilted her head "You're thirsty," she stated to him.

"I can wait to go and drink later," Jake said to her turning his head so he was'nt facing her. His throat was burning a fiery sting indicating he needed to feed. Jess sighed taking his hand

"Take some of mine...it won't kill me," Jess said to him.

"I could kill you," he said not looking at her still. Jess pulled on his arm and he sat down finally looking at her. "I could suck you dry" he muttered.

"But you won't,"Jess told him.

Jess tilted her head to the side exposing her neck and he turned so he was facing her and pushed the hair out of the way. She could feel his icy cold breath along her throat "You sure," Jake asked her wanting to make sure she did'nt change her mind.

"I'm sure," Jess said simply as she layed down on the satin sheets. Her heart was speeding at the speed of light itself. She was sure it was going to burst out of her cheast at any moment. He opened his mouth and glided his fangs in a simple and yet elegant motion to the right place on her neck.

Jake took a deep breath letting the smell of her blood fill his nose before he bit down on her neck. Jess gasped smally and tensed but soon the pain subsided and changed into pleasure. The pleasure of giving to someone she liked alot. She shivered slightly as he took in her blood and was getting more strength. After he was done he retracted his fangs from her skin and looked down at her wiping the blood from her neck and slowly touched her face with his finger tips.

A minute later of gazing at each other Jess leaned towards him and touched her lips to his. Hers were soft and warm and his were cold and hard like stone. The kiss was intense and pasionate but soon Jake ended it looking at her with his eyes moving around quickly.He liked Jess alot...maybe she would want to change into one of them....

a vampire.

"Would you want to change,"Jake asked looking at her.

Jess looked at him with her mouth slightly open "I uh...don't know Jake,"

"Come on Jess it does'nt hurt...and then we'ld be able to be together,"Jake said looking at her with pleading eyes.

"I....," Jess looked at Jake before nodding "Sure...fine,"she sighed.

Jess watched him grab a knife from the end table. "You are going to have to drink my blood," Jake told her.

"I know,"Jess said gulping a little.

"Ok,"Jake shrugged cutting into his neck with the knife and red blood started flowing out of his neck. He Held the back of her shoulder blades with one hand so she was elevated and then held the back of her head so she could reach his neck. She did'nt resist as she started sucking on his neck getting as much blood as she could before he slowly let her lay back on the bed and removed his hands.

Jess felt tired and full like after thanksgiving. She yawned once before falling asleep. In her sleep she could feel something....something weird. She could hear every little thing around her...the mouse under the floor boards, the wind outside, and a little girl playing on her swings next door. Her smell was way better...like she could smell the little girl's blood, the stew that the neighbors were making, and even the smell of the grass below.When she opened her eyes she could see things way better that before...she noticed things she did'nt notice before. Like the grains in the wood, or the little spider on the roof, or even how magnificent Jake looked. She could see every detail on him.

Then she ran her tounge along her newly grown fangs and smiled to herself but her throat burned like smoke was filling it."Now you're thirsty"Jake smiled at her and laughed. "Come on we both need to go hunting,"Jake said.

Jess nodded before tilting her head"Hold on a sec," she said before walking to the mirror and seeing her reflection "Wow I've changed"she said before walking out the sliding glass door. She jumping off the balcony landing on her feet and running with Jake under the moonlight to go find someone to feed off of. 




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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy this story. I am not even sure what problem the protagonist faced. This story was okay. The story would have been better if the author had introduced the problem differently and made it feel more pressing. I really enjoyed this story. The author did a good job pulling me into the story by introducing an immediate and important problem for the protagonist.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the story.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters were somewhat dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I partially understood the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the characters. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters were very dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I thoroughly understood their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and cared about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: Plot

I finished reading the story so the plot must have unfolded, but I am not sure what the plot was. The characters did not achieve or grow by solving the problems they faced in this story. There were definite wrinkles in the way the plot unfolded leading to the final conflict. The plot was loosely tied to the achievement and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame some of the problems flowed unnaturally with the story. I could see the plot unfolding through a series of escalating problems that lead to the final conflict. The plot helped me understand the achievements and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame the problems flowed naturally with the st

In fiction a plot is all the events in a story, particularly rendered towards the achievement of some particular artistic or emotional effect. In other words it's what mostly happened in the story. The plot draws the reader into the character's lives and helps the reader understand the choices that the characters make.

Category Name: Dialog

The dialog seemed like cold words on paper. I had a hard time following it. I didn’t learn very much about the characters through the dialog. Through the dialog I could sometimes see the characters learn and grow while occasionally discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was generally consistent with the character. Through the dialog I could see the characters learn and grow while simultaneously discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was true to the character and it helped me understand the characters emotions.

Category Name: Setting

The setting created a haze in my mind that detracted from the story. I am lost in time and space because I don’t know when or where this story takes place. The setting was described adequately, but not well enough to bring it to life in my mind. The setting did not add to or detract from the story. I am pretty sure I know when and where the story takes place. The author engaged all of my senses while vividly describing the setting. The setting helped me better understand the setting and plot. I know when and where this story takes place.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

Note: The purpose of ReviewFuse reviews is NOT to provide comprehensive copy editing, but rather to "ignite creativity." Reviewers should not feel obliged to point out every grammar or spelling error (though they certainly can if they wish), but should focus on this area only to the degree that errors make a story hard to follow or understand.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1. Jess has Blonde hair and chrystal blue eyes. Jake has dark wavy brown hair and green eyes.

2. Jess sat in her vampire friend Jake's bedroom looking around at the big room. It was mostly black, it had a bed with black satin sheets. The room also had a table stand next to the bed that was brown. There was a black soft rug in the middle of the floor that sat on wooden floors. There was a sliding glass door and a desk sat next to the door."It's really beautiful,"she said to him.

3. "That's because you're in it," Jake whispered.

4. Jess blushed slightly then tilted her head "You're thirsty," she stated to him.

5. "I can wait to go and drink later," Jake said to her turning his head so he was'nt facing her. His throat was burning a fiery sting indicating he needed to feed. Jess sighed taking his hand

6. "Take some of mine...it won't kill me," Jess said to him.

7. "I could kill you," he said not looking at her still. Jess pulled on his arm and he sat down finally looking at her. "I could suck you dry" he muttered.

8. "But you won't,"Jess told him.

9. Jess tilted her head to the side exposing her neck and he turned so he was facing her and pushed the hair out of the way. She could feel his icy cold breath along her throat "You sure," Jake asked her wanting to make sure she did'nt change her mind.

10. "I'm sure," Jess said simply as she layed down on the satin sheets. Her heart was speeding at the speed of light itself. She was sure it was going to burst out of her cheast at any moment. He opened his mouth and glided his fangs in a simple and yet elegant motion to the right place on her neck.

11. Jake took a deep breath letting the smell of her blood fill his nose before he bit down on her neck. Jess gasped smally and tensed but soon the pain subsided and changed into pleasure. The pleasure of giving to someone she liked alot. She shivered slightly as he took in her blood and was getting more strength. After he was done he retracted his fangs from her skin and looked down at her wiping the blood from her neck and slowly touched her face with his finger tips.

12. A minute later of gazing at each other Jess leaned towards him and touched her lips to his. Hers were soft and warm and his were cold and hard like stone. The kiss was intense and pasionate but soon Jake ended it looking at her with his eyes moving around quickly.He liked Jess alot...maybe she would want to change into one of them....

13. a vampire.

14. "Would you want to change,"Jake asked looking at her.

15. Jess looked at him with her mouth slightly open "I uh...don't know Jake,"

16. "Come on Jess it does'nt hurt...and then we'ld be able to be together,"Jake said looking at her with pleading eyes.

17. "I....," Jess looked at Jake before nodding "Sure...fine,"she sighed.

18. Jess watched him grab a knife from the end table. "You are going to have to drink my blood," Jake told her.

19. "I know,"Jess said gulping a little.

20. "Ok,"Jake shrugged cutting into his neck with the knife and red blood started flowing out of his neck. He Held the back of her shoulder blades with one hand so she was elevated and then held the back of her head so she could reach his neck. She did'nt resist as she started sucking on his neck getting as much blood as she could before he slowly let her lay back on the bed and removed his hands.

21. Jess felt tired and full like after thanksgiving. She yawned once before falling asleep. In her sleep she could feel something....something weird. She could hear every little thing around her...the mouse under the floor boards, the wind outside, and a little girl playing on her swings next door. Her smell was way better...like she could smell the little girl's blood, the stew that the neighbors were making, and even the smell of the grass below.When she opened her eyes she could see things way better that before...she noticed things she did'nt notice before. Like the grains in the wood, or the little spider on the roof, or even how magnificent Jake looked. She could see every detail on him.

22. Then she ran her tounge along her newly grown fangs and smiled to herself but her throat burned like smoke was filling it."Now you're thirsty"Jake smiled at her and laughed. "Come on we both need to go hunting,"Jake said.

23. Jess nodded before tilting her head"Hold on a sec," she said before walking to the mirror and seeing her reflection "Wow I've changed"she said before walking out the sliding glass door. She jumping off the balcony landing on her feet and running with Jake under the moonlight to go find someone to feed off of. 

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