return to content catalog »

"The Lundari Witch book 1: Diamageen's Shadows" by Lundarigirl

This is the first chapter of a book that I've finished. It recounts the tale of four heroes--a bounty hunter, an untested warrior, a wandering adventurer, and a slave boy--each on their personal quests. Their paths intersect in the goblin-filled Diamageen Forest where they learn of a threat to their world, and that they might be the only ones to stop it. This first chapter introduces readers to the first of the young heroes, the bounty hunter, as he he arrives in the city of Hercros.

Category: Book: 1st Chapter

Tags: Fantasy, epic quest, young adult, swords, magic, witch, dragons, elves, dwarves,

You can do an inline review of this work in the review tab.

Chapter One: Dangerous Employment

 

            The grand city of Hercros did not impress Tobias. Its architecture, said by some to rival Europa’s royal city in exquisiteness, held no splendor for him. Its massive size did not awe him. It was just another crowded and noisy place that he would endure only as long as it took to conclude his business.

            Tobias was thankful that Hercros was also a major seaport where travelers in worn and travel-stained clothes, such as himself, were a common sight. He did not want to stand out and he did not want to attract attention. Still, he did sense a few curious eyes upon him as he traversed the cobblestone streets. They were not drawn to him by his clothes, he knew, nor to his long, shaggy copper-brown hair. They were staring at the claymore strapped to his back. Such a huge sword didn’t appear often in Europa, not even in the possession of the king’s knights, and, as far as Tobias knew, he was the only seventeen-year-old who’d carried one on a regular basis.

            To his left, Tobias heard a child squeal for its mama to look at his gloves. This caused other whispers to spring up concerning his worn, custom-made gloves, another pair of items that roused the curiosity of anyone who saw them. The fingerless, leather gauntlets with small steel humps resting over the knuckles, and simple steel plates fitted on the backs were of his own design. They, like the claymore, and the three knives he carried on his belt and the seen others that were hidden in various parts of his clothing were useful tools in his line of work.

            Tobias ignored the stares and the whispers, hoping nothing more would come of them. He kept his sea-grey eyes focused straight ahead, and paid no attention to the hustle and bustle of humans and centaurs shuffling around him. He walked briskly. He’d almost reached his goal, the colossal, amethyst marble towers spiking up from the center of the city into the late-afternoon sky. They were a part of a structure that any who didn’t know better would assume was a royal palace. It, however didn’t house any kings or queens, it housed students training to be knights of the realm. This place was the Royal Knights Academy.

            At the main gates, Tobias found two men dressed in the blue and black tunics of the city guard. They fixed him with a suspicious glare as he approached the wrought iron bars that blocked the outside world from the Academy.

            “Halt!” ordered one of the guards, a tight-faced man with a hooked nose.

            The other guard, a younger-looking gentleman with a wide, rounded face spoke a bit more politely. “Sorry, young sir, no visitors are permitted into the Academy at this time. And anyway, you look a bit old to be applying for study. They only take boys who’re about fifteen or sixteen. You look to be nineteen at least.”

            “I’m not here to become a student,” Tobias replied dryly. “I’m here to see Sir Hayden Sacgara.”

            “And what would a ruffian like you want with Sir Hayden?” the hawk-nosed guard snarled.

            “I’m a bounty hunter. I understand Sir Hayden is looking for someone with my skills.”

The hawk-nosed man snorted. “How good of a bounty hunter could you possibly be? You’re so puny, I don’t think you can lift that big sword of yours, much less swing it.”

Puny? Tobias thought, mildly surprised. His muscles bulged enough on his nearly six-foot frame that people hadn’t called him weak, or scrawny, or puny in years. Still, he was considerably smaller than the past famous claymore wielders.  

            “Hold on.” The round-faced man gestured to the diagonal scar on the left side of Tobias’s lean, pointed face. It extended from just under his eye to his jaw. “That scar. Jorgae the Red gave the bounty hunter who brought him in such a scar. Tell me, are you him?”

            The hawk-nosed guard laughed. “Him? Are you serious? A pup like him bringing down the Red? That man fought like a demon.”

            “Nevertheless, a boy defeated him—a boy no older than sixteen, my friend said. He was there. He saw them fight. The boy carried a claymore, just like this lad does, and he looks the right age.” The guard regarded Tobias again. “So are you him?”

            “That isn’t your concern,” Tobias said bluntly. The last time someone recognized him as the one who’d brought down the bandit Jorgae the Red last year, he’d had no peace for a week. Everyone who saw him wanted to talk to him. He did not want to repeat the experience.

Tobias shrugged his nearly empty pack off his shoulder and withdrew from it a glossy sheet of paper. “I’m here regarding this.” He held it up so the guards could see the elegant writing embossed on its surface.

To All Who Possess Excellent Fighting Skills, a Courageous Heart, and Seek Adventure and Reward

Under that, in smaller script was

Your services are desperately needed on a mission to retrieve or discover what fate has befallen an ambassador of His Majesty King Troy and his escort in Diamageen Forest. The mission is dangerous, but the reward is great for those brave enough to undertake and successfully complete it; honor, adventure and the sum of seventy-five gold crowns.

All who wish to apply, report to Sir Hayden Sacgara at the Royal Knights Academy.

The round-faced guard’s eyes widened. “You want that suicide mission? Don’t you know that Diamageen is the goblins’ realm?”

“I do,” Tobias said.

“Then you know that it’s also a realm of dark magic. The goblins thrive on it. No man has ever been able to kill one within the confines of Diamageen’s trees because of it. But the goblins can kill, and that’s just what they’ll do to you, slowly and brutally, when they catch you. Twenty years ago, dragons chased all the villagers of Koraira into Diamageen and for weeks afterwards, the whole valley was haunted by their screams and weeping as the goblins tortured them to death. The king’s only son was in that village when the dragons came. The king sent his best knights into Diamageen to look for him, but none ever came back. Do you want to face the same end?”

“I don’t plan on it.”

“Not even a knight can defeat a goblin in its own kingdom,” the hawk-nosed guard said. “None of them are stupid enough to try. What makes you think you’ll fare any better than they would in the shadows of Diamageen, hmm?”

“That’s none of your concern. Now, if I may please see Sir Hayden.” Tobias met their eyes with a determined gaze, letting them know there would be no deterring him.

To his relief, the hawk-nosed guard called for the gates to be opened, announcing that there was a bounty hunter asking for Sir Hayden. As guards on the other side unlocked the gates and began to open them he said to Tobias, “A page has gone to ask Sir Hayden if he even wants to see you. You’re to wait in the courtyard for his reply. I hope he has the sense not to pay in advance.” He flashed Tobias a wicked grin. “It’s such a waste to give coin to a corpse.”

Without replying, Tobias quickly strode through the open gates.

“Reconsider, lad, please,” the round-faced guard called to his retreating form. “There’s no amount of gold worth wandering into that accursed forest. None!”


* login or signup to post your review

Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy the chapter. The chapter was okay. I really enjoyed the chapter.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the chapter.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not credible, interesting or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters where somewhat credible, interesting and unique. I partially understand their thoughts, feelings, and actions. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters where credible, interesting and unique. I thoroughly understand their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and started to care about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: The Beginning

The chapter did not introduce a problem. I really don’t want to read the next chapter. The chapter introduces a problem for the protagonist, but I don’t know why it’s important and/or it does not feel like an immediate resolution is needed. I might read the next chapter. The chapter introduced an immediate and important problem for the protagonist. I really want to know what happens in the next chapter.

The first chapter, especially the first sentence, needs to pull a reader into the story and make them crave more.

Category Name: Setting

I don’t know when or where this chapter takes place. The setting was inadequately described or inappropriately used. I know when and where the chapter takes place but I can only vaguely picture it in my mind. The setting did not add to or distract from the chapter. I know when and where the chapter takes place. The setting enhanced the chapter and helped me better understand the characters or plot.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

Note: The purpose of ReviewFuse reviews is NOT to provide comprehensive copy editing, but rather to "ignite creativity." Reviewers should not feel obliged to point out every grammar or spelling error (though they certainly can if they wish), but should focus on this area only to the degree that errors make a story hard to follow or understand.

Category Name: Dialog

The dialog caused more confusion than clarification about the characters. It was almost impossible to follow. Some of the dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. I could follow the dialog when paying close attention. The dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. The dialog flowed well and was easy to follow.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1. Chapter One: Dangerous Employment

2.

3.  

4.             The grand city of Hercros did not impress Tobias. Its architecture, said by some to rival Europa’s royal city in exquisiteness, held no splendor for him. Its massive size did not awe him. It was just another crowded and noisy place that he would endure only as long as it took to conclude his business.

5.             Tobias was thankful that Hercros was also a major seaport where travelers in worn and travel-stained clothes, such as himself, were a common sight. He did not want to stand out and he did not want to attract attention. Still, he did sense a few curious eyes upon him as he traversed the cobblestone streets. They were not drawn to him by his clothes, he knew, nor to his long, shaggy copper-brown hair. They were staring at the claymore strapped to his back. Such a huge sword didn’t appear often in Europa, not even in the possession of the king’s knights, and, as far as Tobias knew, he was the only seventeen-year-old who’d carried one on a regular basis.

6.             To his left, Tobias heard a child squeal for its mama to look at his gloves. This caused other whispers to spring up concerning his worn, custom-made gloves, another pair of items that roused the curiosity of anyone who saw them. The fingerless, leather gauntlets with small steel humps resting over the knuckles, and simple steel plates fitted on the backs were of his own design. They, like the claymore, and the three knives he carried on his belt and the seen others that were hidden in various parts of his clothing were useful tools in his line of work.

7.             Tobias ignored the stares and the whispers, hoping nothing more would come of them. He kept his sea-grey eyes focused straight ahead, and paid no attention to the hustle and bustle of humans and centaurs shuffling around him. He walked briskly. He’d almost reached his goal, the colossal, amethyst marble towers spiking up from the center of the city into the late-afternoon sky. They were a part of a structure that any who didn’t know better would assume was a royal palace. It, however didn’t house any kings or queens, it housed students training to be knights of the realm. This place was the Royal Knights Academy.

8.             At the main gates, Tobias found two men dressed in the blue and black tunics of the city guard. They fixed him with a suspicious glare as he approached the wrought iron bars that blocked the outside world from the Academy.

9.             “Halt!” ordered one of the guards, a tight-faced man with a hooked nose.

10.             The other guard, a younger-looking gentleman with a wide, rounded face spoke a bit more politely. “Sorry, young sir, no visitors are permitted into the Academy at this time. And anyway, you look a bit old to be applying for study. They only take boys who’re about fifteen or sixteen. You look to be nineteen at least.”

11.             “I’m not here to become a student,” Tobias replied dryly. “I’m here to see Sir Hayden Sacgara.”

12.             “And what would a ruffian like you want with Sir Hayden?” the hawk-nosed guard snarled.

13.             “I’m a bounty hunter. I understand Sir Hayden is looking for someone with my skills.”

14. The hawk-nosed man snorted. “How good of a bounty hunter could you possibly be? You’re so puny, I don’t think you can lift that big sword of yours, much less swing it.”

15. Puny? Tobias thought, mildly surprised. His muscles bulged enough on his nearly six-foot frame that people hadn’t called him weak, or scrawny, or puny in years. Still, he was considerably smaller than the past famous claymore wielders.  

16.             “Hold on.” The round-faced man gestured to the diagonal scar on the left side of Tobias’s lean, pointed face. It extended from just under his eye to his jaw. “That scar. Jorgae the Red gave the bounty hunter who brought him in such a scar. Tell me, are you him?”

17.             The hawk-nosed guard laughed. “Him? Are you serious? A pup like him bringing down the Red? That man fought like a demon.”

18.             “Nevertheless, a boy defeated him—a boy no older than sixteen, my friend said. He was there. He saw them fight. The boy carried a claymore, just like this lad does, and he looks the right age.” The guard regarded Tobias again. “So are you him?”

19.             “That isn’t your concern,” Tobias said bluntly. The last time someone recognized him as the one who’d brought down the bandit Jorgae the Red last year, he’d had no peace for a week. Everyone who saw him wanted to talk to him. He did not want to repeat the experience.

20. Tobias shrugged his nearly empty pack off his shoulder and withdrew from it a glossy sheet of paper. “I’m here regarding this.” He held it up so the guards could see the elegant writing embossed on its surface.

21. To All Who Possess Excellent Fighting Skills, a Courageous Heart, and Seek Adventure and Reward

22. Under that, in smaller script was

23. Your services are desperately needed on a mission to retrieve or discover what fate has befallen an ambassador of His Majesty King Troy and his escort in Diamageen Forest. The mission is dangerous, but the reward is great for those brave enough to undertake and successfully complete it; honor, adventure and the sum of seventy-five gold crowns.

24. All who wish to apply, report to Sir Hayden Sacgara at the Royal Knights Academy.

25. The round-faced guard’s eyes widened. “You want that suicide mission? Don’t you know that Diamageen is the goblins’ realm?”

26. “I do,” Tobias said.

27. “Then you know that it’s also a realm of dark magic. The goblins thrive on it. No man has ever been able to kill one within the confines of Diamageen’s trees because of it. But the goblins can kill, and that’s just what they’ll do to you, slowly and brutally, when they catch you. Twenty years ago, dragons chased all the villagers of Koraira into Diamageen and for weeks afterwards, the whole valley was haunted by their screams and weeping as the goblins tortured them to death. The king’s only son was in that village when the dragons came. The king sent his best knights into Diamageen to look for him, but none ever came back. Do you want to face the same end?”

28. “I don’t plan on it.”

29. “Not even a knight can defeat a goblin in its own kingdom,” the hawk-nosed guard said. “None of them are stupid enough to try. What makes you think you’ll fare any better than they would in the shadows of Diamageen, hmm?”

30. “That’s none of your concern. Now, if I may please see Sir Hayden.” Tobias met their eyes with a determined gaze, letting them know there would be no deterring him.

31. To his relief, the hawk-nosed guard called for the gates to be opened, announcing that there was a bounty hunter asking for Sir Hayden. As guards on the other side unlocked the gates and began to open them he said to Tobias, “A page has gone to ask Sir Hayden if he even wants to see you. You’re to wait in the courtyard for his reply. I hope he has the sense not to pay in advance.” He flashed Tobias a wicked grin. “It’s such a waste to give coin to a corpse.”

32. Without replying, Tobias quickly strode through the open gates.

33. “Reconsider, lad, please,” the round-faced guard called to his retreating form. “There’s no amount of gold worth wandering into that accursed forest. None!”

34.

Reviews that have been completed within the last 30 days

  • There are no reviews for this item.