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"Once I was a pupil of your eyes" by tripm

As the 15th century ended, the perception of our planet turned from flat to globular, from two to three dimensions hanging in a larger body. The shape of our existence transcends three dimensions. Consider the dissection of a multi-dimensional magical Mobius strip, transforming into its simple origin, returning to its base, the fictional spot pointing to a single invisible dot where all forms start--or end. Is there truly such a period in the complex symmetry of all we can imagine?

Category: Poetry

Tags: This sonnet is of of 28 (so far) of a series I currently call "Uncle Mikey's Evolution Revolution, " which offer glimpses into the nonlinear progression of happenings. Look upon the form as a sonnet out of uniform, on a dressdown Friday: a ponnet–perhaps, possibly, partially, probably…

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Once I was a pupil of your eyes

 

Once I was a pupil of your eyes

so Eden green I examed the idol youth.

I held your wooden face above your head

as distant as star bought memories,

your treasure heart bleeding bones protected.

You judged me by my weakest knowing moments

when your boxcar body spit all freeride freight—

my fifteen minutes of fame are happening now,

not at my funeral, as I leave my stool pulled out

so I can climb right back to the bar,

after I finally find a place to step,

which has never felt the hole of a footprint.

You smashed a perfectly good supporter, Mother

of human nature—will you shrink with me?


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Category Name: My Thoughts

I didn’t care for this poem at all. It lacked originality, purpose, good word choice, or was otherwise uninteresting. This poem was okay. It would have been better if the poet had given the theme, word choice, or form more careful thought. This poem was great. The form and word choice seemed natural and added to the main idea the poet was putting across.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the poem.

Category Name: Theme / Subject Matter

The poet does little to make the theme or subject matter seem important to me. There are some cool things about the way the theme or subject matter is handled, but it could use more originality or clarity. The poem makes the subject matter new and exciting. Even if the subject matter is ordinary, the poet gives it a new angle.

Is the subject or theme poetry “worthy?” Is it original? Is the subject treated in such a way that makes it interesting, funny, creative, beautiful, surprising, enlightening or otherwise worthwhile? Ordinary subjects make for great poetry if they are treated in an original way, and great subjects make for bad poetry if they are just like every other poem written about it.

Category Name: Word Choice

The words chosen for this poem are dull, contrived, or hastily chosen. The words seem almost right, but there may be some wrenching or some words that don’t quite fit into the overall idea. The words choice is great. The words seem exactly right to convey the theme. They are beautifully or creatively chosen, surprising or exciting.

Poetry is language in its most concentrated form. More so than in any other type of literature, this requires the poet to carefully choose each word. Do the words chosen convey a specific intention, feeling or purpose? Do they feel deliberate but natural, or do the feel forced, awkward, or hasty?

Category Name: Form & Structure

This poem seemed spewed onto the page without any thought given to form of any kind. The poem has been thought out, but doesn’t quite fit the form or seems a little forced or unnatural in some places. The poem naturally conforms to the form, or the free verse takes meter, enjambment, etc. into consideration in an effective way.

Form is the defining structure of a genre or type. Does the poem follow a predefined form (sonnet, haiku, villanelle, ballad, etc)? If so, does it conform to the rules of the form (meter, rhyme, syllable count, etc)? If the poem does not follow a form, does it make sense not to? Is there something that differentiates the poem from prose?

Category Name: Mechanics

The poet seems to have taken little or no thought for the punctuation in this poem. The poet has some really interesting things going on with the punctuation or line length, but it could be more exciting or surprising, or it could be scaled back to be less distracting. The punctuation compliments and adds to the meaning of the poem’s words or theme. It is deliberate and well thought out.

Punctuation (or lack there of), line breaks, enjambment, capitalization, lineation, etc. Not everyone can be e.e. cummings and eschew all punctuation and convention of line, but poetry doesn’t always need to follow strict grammar rules either, as long as whatever punctuation is or is not used adds to the overall idea of the poem.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1. Once I was a pupil of your eyes

2.  

3. Once I was a pupil of your eyes

4. so Eden green I examed the idol youth.

5. I held your wooden face above your head

6. as distant as star bought memories,

7. your treasure heart bleeding bones protected.

8. You judged me by my weakest knowing moments

9. when your boxcar body spit all freeride freight—

10. my fifteen minutes of fame are happening now,

11. not at my funeral, as I leave my stool pulled out

12. so I can climb right back to the bar,

13. after I finally find a place to step,

14. which has never felt the hole of a footprint.

15. You smashed a perfectly good supporter, Mother

16. of human nature—will you shrink with me?

17.

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