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"Our Farewells version 2.0" by BurntEffigy

A girl and her imaginary friend come back to say goodbye to an old friend.

Category: Contests / Flash Fiction Writing Contest

Tags: mild horror, suicide

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                In the moonlit bedroom, the living girl slept peacefully. Then a young man and a young woman quietly walked through the closed door. He went to the far side of the pink-blanketed bed. As he stood there, hands behind him and contemplating the sleeping girl, his companion, wearing a striped T-shirt, didn’t come much farther than the door. Instead, she crouched near the corner of the bed, ready to bolt. She wasn’t too pleased that he had dragged her here. “Hurry up, Andrew,” the young woman, Emily, said impatiently. “I don’t want to be here as it is.”


                He ignored her. “We may have chosen to leave the physical world, end our contact with you and everyone else we’ve known, but that does not have to impact you,” the young man, Andrew, murmured as he sat down on the side of the bed and laid a hand on the girl’s forehead. “God has a good plan for you… we have seen that much. Please, do not let any bad news you may hear affect you… recover quickly so that you may get on with your life as soon as possible.” He stood up and smoothed down the front of his black denim jacket.


                “Do you really think that’d help?” Emily asked sarcastically. 


                He said that it would. “Was I not once sent as a messenger from God to you? So it is most fitting that I am here, as a messenger.”


                She laughed bitterly. “A lot of good that once did me! Come on, I didn’t kill myself just so you could moon over her some more.”


                The sleeping girl in the bed stirred, and Emily retreated further into her crouch, her pale eyes further narrowed.


                Andrew, who had been facing the window at the far side of the room, turned to face the sleeping girl. The moonlight streamed through his face, making his eyes look even bluer and less real. He tenderly reached out to give a reassuring caress to the sleeping girl’s face, to give her a final comfort before she would hear the bad news. But when his fingertips touched, warm by illusion and not cold like they should normally have been, the girl jerked awake.


                Emily flattened herself to the thin gray carpet. She was almost growling, itching to bolt now. But Andrew stood still. Seeing that the previously-sleeping girl was now wide awake and startled to see a seeming stranger in her room, Andrew put a finger to his lips.


                Then he said in a clear tenor voice, one that had never been truly heard during his and Emily’s lifetime, “It’s all right. I will not hurt you. We have only come to give you a message.”


                “A message?” the girl confusedly said, squinting to see.


                “I didn’t want to disturb your sleep, but…” Andrew repeated what he had murmured earlier. As he spoke, she had found glasses and was taking a good look at him, or what she could see of him. The bright moonlight lit up his most prominent features.


                She noticed his dark hair, neat and somehow messy, the familiar cowlick sticking up stubbornly on the back of his head, hair she’d only seen in her ex-best friend’s drawings. She noticed his clear blue eyes, too pure to be a human color. She noticed the row of vertical piercings glinting in his right ear.


                “Are you…” the girl tried to ask, but Andrew put a finger on her lips to hush her.  She was startled to find that his hands were warm, and not cold like she’d half-expected, his being a ghost.


                “I am who I am,” he said aloud, but now his voice was strained. “We have been here too long. It is already time for us to depart…”


                Emily stood up at last, irritated. She said to her companion, “I told you to hurry, and you’ve taken forever. Let’s go already! Jeez, you mooned over her too much anyway when we were still alive. And by the way, *****, good-bye. Thanks a lot.”


                Andrew frowned, the space between his dark brows creasing only the smallest bit. As Emily headed for the door, he looked hesitantly back at the girl, who was still sitting up in her bed, her eyes wide and frightened. Then Andrew gave her a quick peck on the forehead before he hurried back to join his companion at the door.


                Emily gave the shocked girl a long look of what could have been anger or softened pity or possibly both. She held up her slashed forearms long enough for her to see and understand that the cuts that the blood was dripping from were self-inflicted, as a “*****-you” gesture. Then she put her arms down, turned on her heel and left.


                Her companion, however, lingered just a little bit longer. He made a hand gesture with his left hand, the palm towards the girl and all fingers up except for the middle and the ring fingers. Andrew waved a little bit before turning sadly to leave, going through the closed door.


                The girl was stunned. What had just happened…? Why did they both seem so familiar? And why had that girl been so angry and cold, while that boy had seemed so loving? Hadn’t the girl, once her best friend upon a time, made drawings of that boy all the time? Why had that girl shown her how she’d died while the boy had told her in sign, “I love you”?




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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy this story. I am not even sure what problem the protagonist faced. This story was okay. The story would have been better if the author had introduced the problem differently and made it feel more pressing. I really enjoyed this story. The author did a good job pulling me into the story by introducing an immediate and important problem for the protagonist.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the story.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters were somewhat dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I partially understood the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the characters. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters were very dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I thoroughly understood their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and cared about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: Plot

I finished reading the story so the plot must have unfolded, but I am not sure what the plot was. The characters did not achieve or grow by solving the problems they faced in this story. There were definite wrinkles in the way the plot unfolded leading to the final conflict. The plot was loosely tied to the achievement and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame some of the problems flowed unnaturally with the story. I could see the plot unfolding through a series of escalating problems that lead to the final conflict. The plot helped me understand the achievements and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame the problems flowed naturally with the st

In fiction a plot is all the events in a story, particularly rendered towards the achievement of some particular artistic or emotional effect. In other words it's what mostly happened in the story. The plot draws the reader into the character's lives and helps the reader understand the choices that the characters make.

Category Name: Dialog

The dialog seemed like cold words on paper. I had a hard time following it. I didn’t learn very much about the characters through the dialog. Through the dialog I could sometimes see the characters learn and grow while occasionally discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was generally consistent with the character. Through the dialog I could see the characters learn and grow while simultaneously discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was true to the character and it helped me understand the characters emotions.

Category Name: Setting

The setting created a haze in my mind that detracted from the story. I am lost in time and space because I don’t know when or where this story takes place. The setting was described adequately, but not well enough to bring it to life in my mind. The setting did not add to or detract from the story. I am pretty sure I know when and where the story takes place. The author engaged all of my senses while vividly describing the setting. The setting helped me better understand the setting and plot. I know when and where this story takes place.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

Note: The purpose of ReviewFuse reviews is NOT to provide comprehensive copy editing, but rather to "ignite creativity." Reviewers should not feel obliged to point out every grammar or spelling error (though they certainly can if they wish), but should focus on this area only to the degree that errors make a story hard to follow or understand.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1.                 In the moonlit bedroom, the living girl slept peacefully. Then a young man and a young woman quietly walked through the closed door. He went to the far side of the pink-blanketed bed. As he stood there, hands behind him and contemplating the sleeping girl, his companion, wearing a striped T-shirt, didn’t come much farther than the door. Instead, she crouched near the corner of the bed, ready to bolt. She wasn’t too pleased that he had dragged her here. “Hurry up, Andrew,” the young woman, Emily, said impatiently. “I don’t want to be here as it is.”

2.

3.                 He ignored her. “We may have chosen to leave the physical world, end our contact with you and everyone else we’ve known, but that does not have to impact you,” the young man, Andrew, murmured as he sat down on the side of the bed and laid a hand on the girl’s forehead. “God has a good plan for you… we have seen that much. Please, do not let any bad news you may hear affect you… recover quickly so that you may get on with your life as soon as possible.” He stood up and smoothed down the front of his black denim jacket.

4.

5.                 “Do you really think that’d help?” Emily asked sarcastically. 

6.

7.                 He said that it would. “Was I not once sent as a messenger from God to you? So it is most fitting that I am here, as a messenger.”

8.

9.                 She laughed bitterly. “A lot of good that once did me! Come on, I didn’t kill myself just so you could moon over her some more.”

10.

11.                 The sleeping girl in the bed stirred, and Emily retreated further into her crouch, her pale eyes further narrowed.

12.

13.                 Andrew, who had been facing the window at the far side of the room, turned to face the sleeping girl. The moonlight streamed through his face, making his eyes look even bluer and less real. He tenderly reached out to give a reassuring caress to the sleeping girl’s face, to give her a final comfort before she would hear the bad news. But when his fingertips touched, warm by illusion and not cold like they should normally have been, the girl jerked awake.

14.

15.                 Emily flattened herself to the thin gray carpet. She was almost growling, itching to bolt now. But Andrew stood still. Seeing that the previously-sleeping girl was now wide awake and startled to see a seeming stranger in her room, Andrew put a finger to his lips.

16.

17.                 Then he said in a clear tenor voice, one that had never been truly heard during his and Emily’s lifetime, “It’s all right. I will not hurt you. We have only come to give you a message.”

18.

19.                 “A message?” the girl confusedly said, squinting to see.

20.

21.                 “I didn’t want to disturb your sleep, but…” Andrew repeated what he had murmured earlier. As he spoke, she had found glasses and was taking a good look at him, or what she could see of him. The bright moonlight lit up his most prominent features.

22.

23.                 She noticed his dark hair, neat and somehow messy, the familiar cowlick sticking up stubbornly on the back of his head, hair she’d only seen in her ex-best friend’s drawings. She noticed his clear blue eyes, too pure to be a human color. She noticed the row of vertical piercings glinting in his right ear.

24.

25.                 “Are you…” the girl tried to ask, but Andrew put a finger on her lips to hush her.  She was startled to find that his hands were warm, and not cold like she’d half-expected, his being a ghost.

26.

27.                 “I am who I am,” he said aloud, but now his voice was strained. “We have been here too long. It is already time for us to depart…”

28.

29.                 Emily stood up at last, irritated. She said to her companion, “I told you to hurry, and you’ve taken forever. Let’s go already! Jeez, you mooned over her too much anyway when we were still alive. And by the way, *****, good-bye. Thanks a lot.”

30.

31.                 Andrew frowned, the space between his dark brows creasing only the smallest bit. As Emily headed for the door, he looked hesitantly back at the girl, who was still sitting up in her bed, her eyes wide and frightened. Then Andrew gave her a quick peck on the forehead before he hurried back to join his companion at the door.

32.

33.                 Emily gave the shocked girl a long look of what could have been anger or softened pity or possibly both. She held up her slashed forearms long enough for her to see and understand that the cuts that the blood was dripping from were self-inflicted, as a “*****-you” gesture. Then she put her arms down, turned on her heel and left.

34.

35.                 Her companion, however, lingered just a little bit longer. He made a hand gesture with his left hand, the palm towards the girl and all fingers up except for the middle and the ring fingers. Andrew waved a little bit before turning sadly to leave, going through the closed door.

36.

37.                 The girl was stunned. What had just happened…? Why did they both seem so familiar? And why had that girl been so angry and cold, while that boy had seemed so loving? Hadn’t the girl, once her best friend upon a time, made drawings of that boy all the time? Why had that girl shown her how she’d died while the boy had told her in sign, “I love you”?

38.

39.

40.

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