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"Our Farewells" by BurntEffigy

About a girl and a boy (the latter isn't real) who go visit a friend to say good-bye. The boy dragged the girl into it.

Category: Contests / Flash Fiction Writing Contest

Tags: Mild horror, fiction, semi-autobiographical

You can do an inline review of this work in the review tab.

                The young man who would never reach nineteen quietly entered the darkened bedroom, his feet making absolutely no noise at all. His companion, a young woman in a striped T-shirt with hands and wrists dripping blood, entered behind him. She hid, crouching near one corner of the bed. The young man, however, boldly walked to the head of the bed, where the living girl in the room was asleep. The dogs on her bed twitched in their sleep.


                He sat on the edge of the bed and laid a head on the sleeping girl’s forehead. The young man murmured, “God has a good plan for you… we have seen that much. Please, do not let any bad news you may hear affect you… recover quickly so that you may get on with your life as soon as possible. We may have chosen to leave the physical world, end our contact with you and everyone else we’ve known, but that does not have to impact you.” He stood up, straightened out his jeans and smoothed down the front of his black denim jacket. Under the jacket, his shirt was a transparent burnt-orange color.


                The young woman with the dripping wrists asked if that would really help.  


                He said that it would. “Was I not once sent as a messenger from God?”


                She laughed bitterly. “A lot of good that once did me.”


                The sleeping girl in the bed stirred in her sleep, and the young woman retreated further into her crouch, her pale eyes narrowed further.


                The young man, who had been facing the window, turned to face the sleeping girl. If the curtains had been open, moonlight would have been streaming through his face and making his eyes look even bluer. He tenderly reached out to give a reassuring caress to the girl’s face, to give her a final comfort before she would hear the bad news. But when his fingertips touched, warm by illusion, the girl jerked awake.


                The young woman lowered her knees then torso to the floor, putting her hands in front of her in a bestial crouch. She was almost growling, almost itching to bolt now. But the young man, who had dragged her here, held steady. Seeing that the girl was now wide awake and startled to see a seeming stranger in her room, the young man put a finger to his lips.


                Then he said in a clear tenor voice, one that was never truly heard during their lifetime, “It’s all right. I will not hurt you. We have only come to give you a message.”


                “A message?” the girl confusedly said back, squinting to see.


                The young man repeated what he had murmured earlier. As he spoke, the girl had found glasses and was taking a good look at him, or what she could see of him. The bright moonlight filtering through the curtains lit up his most prominent features.


                She noticed his dark hair, neat and somehow messy with a few points standing up at the top, the cowlick sticking up stubbornly on the back of his head, and the bangs falling in clean points across his forehead. She noticed his clear blue eyes, too pure to be a human color. She noticed the silver industrial piercing glinting in his right ear.


                “Are you…” she tried to ask, but the young man put a finger on her lips to hush her.  She was startled to find that his hands were warm, and not cold like she’d half-expected.


                “I am who I am,” he said aloud, but now his voice was strained. “We have been here too long. It is time for us to depart…”


                The young woman with the wrists dripping blood stood up at last, annoyed with waiting. She said to her companion, “Let’s go already. You mooned over her too much anyway when we were still alive.”


                The young man frowned, the space between his dark brows creasing only the smallest bit. As the young woman headed for the door, the young man looked hesitantly back at the girl, who was still sitting up in her bed, startled. One of the dogs on her bed had woken up too and was giving the young man a curious look. Then the young man gave the girl a quick peck on the forehead before he hurried back to join his companion at the door.


                The young woman gave the shocked girl a long look of what could have been anger or softened pity or possibly both. She held up her forearms long enough for the girl to see and understand that the cuts that the blood was coming from were self-inflicted, as a “*****-you” gesture. Then she put them down, turned on her heel and left.


                Her companion, however, lingered just a little bit longer. He made a hand gesture with the palm towards the girl and all fingers up except for the middle and the ring fingers. The young man waved this a little bit before turning sadly to leave, going through the closed door.


                The girl was stunned. What had just happened…? Why did they both seem so familiar? And why had that girl been so cold, while that boy had been so loving? Why had that girl flipped her off while the boy had told her, “I love you”?



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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy this story. I am not even sure what problem the protagonist faced. This story was okay. The story would have been better if the author had introduced the problem differently and made it feel more pressing. I really enjoyed this story. The author did a good job pulling me into the story by introducing an immediate and important problem for the protagonist.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the story.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters were somewhat dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I partially understood the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the characters. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters were very dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I thoroughly understood their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and cared about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: Plot

I finished reading the story so the plot must have unfolded, but I am not sure what the plot was. The characters did not achieve or grow by solving the problems they faced in this story. There were definite wrinkles in the way the plot unfolded leading to the final conflict. The plot was loosely tied to the achievement and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame some of the problems flowed unnaturally with the story. I could see the plot unfolding through a series of escalating problems that lead to the final conflict. The plot helped me understand the achievements and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame the problems flowed naturally with the st

In fiction a plot is all the events in a story, particularly rendered towards the achievement of some particular artistic or emotional effect. In other words it's what mostly happened in the story. The plot draws the reader into the character's lives and helps the reader understand the choices that the characters make.

Category Name: Dialog

The dialog seemed like cold words on paper. I had a hard time following it. I didn’t learn very much about the characters through the dialog. Through the dialog I could sometimes see the characters learn and grow while occasionally discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was generally consistent with the character. Through the dialog I could see the characters learn and grow while simultaneously discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was true to the character and it helped me understand the characters emotions.

Category Name: Setting

The setting created a haze in my mind that detracted from the story. I am lost in time and space because I don’t know when or where this story takes place. The setting was described adequately, but not well enough to bring it to life in my mind. The setting did not add to or detract from the story. I am pretty sure I know when and where the story takes place. The author engaged all of my senses while vividly describing the setting. The setting helped me better understand the setting and plot. I know when and where this story takes place.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

Note: The purpose of ReviewFuse reviews is NOT to provide comprehensive copy editing, but rather to "ignite creativity." Reviewers should not feel obliged to point out every grammar or spelling error (though they certainly can if they wish), but should focus on this area only to the degree that errors make a story hard to follow or understand.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1.                 The young man who would never reach nineteen quietly entered the darkened bedroom, his feet making absolutely no noise at all. His companion, a young woman in a striped T-shirt with hands and wrists dripping blood, entered behind him. She hid, crouching near one corner of the bed. The young man, however, boldly walked to the head of the bed, where the living girl in the room was asleep. The dogs on her bed twitched in their sleep.

2.

3.                 He sat on the edge of the bed and laid a head on the sleeping girl’s forehead. The young man murmured, “God has a good plan for you… we have seen that much. Please, do not let any bad news you may hear affect you… recover quickly so that you may get on with your life as soon as possible. We may have chosen to leave the physical world, end our contact with you and everyone else we’ve known, but that does not have to impact you.” He stood up, straightened out his jeans and smoothed down the front of his black denim jacket. Under the jacket, his shirt was a transparent burnt-orange color.

4.

5.                 The young woman with the dripping wrists asked if that would really help.  

6.

7.                 He said that it would. “Was I not once sent as a messenger from God?”

8.

9.                 She laughed bitterly. “A lot of good that once did me.”

10.

11.                 The sleeping girl in the bed stirred in her sleep, and the young woman retreated further into her crouch, her pale eyes narrowed further.

12.

13.                 The young man, who had been facing the window, turned to face the sleeping girl. If the curtains had been open, moonlight would have been streaming through his face and making his eyes look even bluer. He tenderly reached out to give a reassuring caress to the girl’s face, to give her a final comfort before she would hear the bad news. But when his fingertips touched, warm by illusion, the girl jerked awake.

14.

15.                 The young woman lowered her knees then torso to the floor, putting her hands in front of her in a bestial crouch. She was almost growling, almost itching to bolt now. But the young man, who had dragged her here, held steady. Seeing that the girl was now wide awake and startled to see a seeming stranger in her room, the young man put a finger to his lips.

16.

17.                 Then he said in a clear tenor voice, one that was never truly heard during their lifetime, “It’s all right. I will not hurt you. We have only come to give you a message.”

18.

19.                 “A message?” the girl confusedly said back, squinting to see.

20.

21.                 The young man repeated what he had murmured earlier. As he spoke, the girl had found glasses and was taking a good look at him, or what she could see of him. The bright moonlight filtering through the curtains lit up his most prominent features.

22.

23.                 She noticed his dark hair, neat and somehow messy with a few points standing up at the top, the cowlick sticking up stubbornly on the back of his head, and the bangs falling in clean points across his forehead. She noticed his clear blue eyes, too pure to be a human color. She noticed the silver industrial piercing glinting in his right ear.

24.

25.                 “Are you…” she tried to ask, but the young man put a finger on her lips to hush her.  She was startled to find that his hands were warm, and not cold like she’d half-expected.

26.

27.                 “I am who I am,” he said aloud, but now his voice was strained. “We have been here too long. It is time for us to depart…”

28.

29.                 The young woman with the wrists dripping blood stood up at last, annoyed with waiting. She said to her companion, “Let’s go already. You mooned over her too much anyway when we were still alive.”

30.

31.                 The young man frowned, the space between his dark brows creasing only the smallest bit. As the young woman headed for the door, the young man looked hesitantly back at the girl, who was still sitting up in her bed, startled. One of the dogs on her bed had woken up too and was giving the young man a curious look. Then the young man gave the girl a quick peck on the forehead before he hurried back to join his companion at the door.

32.

33.                 The young woman gave the shocked girl a long look of what could have been anger or softened pity or possibly both. She held up her forearms long enough for the girl to see and understand that the cuts that the blood was coming from were self-inflicted, as a “*****-you” gesture. Then she put them down, turned on her heel and left.

34.

35.                 Her companion, however, lingered just a little bit longer. He made a hand gesture with the palm towards the girl and all fingers up except for the middle and the ring fingers. The young man waved this a little bit before turning sadly to leave, going through the closed door.

36.

37.                 The girl was stunned. What had just happened…? Why did they both seem so familiar? And why had that girl been so cold, while that boy had been so loving? Why had that girl flipped her off while the boy had told her, “I love you”?

38.

39.

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