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"Disappointments" by CinderBella

Ellie has always liked Luke even though he treats her like the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. She tries to make all that change by doing something for him that she knows he will love. Will it work, or will she be left with nothing but disappointment yet again?

Category: Contests / Flash Fiction Writing Contest

Tags: romance, teenage, music, gig, girl, boy, love, nasty,

You can do an inline review of this work in the review tab.

“It sucks the way the gig is outside in the rain.” I shouted.


The crowd was intense and I was veing shoved in all directions as everyone swayed to the beat. The lights were flashing and my neck felt stiff from the way I was thrashing my head around to the music. 



“Na, I think it makes it even better.” Luke said back, smiling.



I looked down at my skirt, bare legs and heels and silently disagreed. The only reason I wore these totally unpractical clothes was to get a nice thought from Luke. Although I loved the band Fall Out Boy, I was dirty and cold and just wanted to go back to the hotel, curl up in bed and sleep.



I was so lucky to win the gig contest in a magazine. It was my favourite band and I won two tickets, two plane tickets to Manchester and two free nights in a hotel. Tonight was the first night, as we arrived here earlier in the day after an hour’s flight from Dublin. Conversation was pitiful, as I had no idea what to say to Luke.

         


You see, Luke and I have never really been close. We hang out with the same people, go to the same places, and listen to the same music, but I’ve always found him virtually unapproachable. He always gave me snide comments, and so I've never really had a proper conversation with him, as I was always far too nervous. Despite this, I had the biggest crush on him. He had dark blonde hair, which went up in a messy sort of quiff. His eyes were pools of blue ice, which I desperately wanted to warm up. He had a perfectly chiseled face, each part of it more desirable than the last; those strong jawbones, his full lower lip which was only slightly bigger than his top and his neck, irresistibly smooth as it rounded off into his shoulders. His Adams apple moved as he talked, showing the pure male of him.



I remember one day, while he and a few others were messing around on skateboards, and I sat watching with the girls, he took off his t-shirt as he was too warm. I couldn’t stop staring; he looked unbelievable. You could see the lines of muscle on his stomach, the way the strong muscle between his ribs pushed against his skin. He was the type of guy who would hand a girl his coat in the rain to keep them warm and dry. He just wasn't that way with me.

 


Stop it, Ellie you’re only making this worse for yourself. I thought, trying to work out how I would get through these next two nights. There was only one huge double bed in the room. I guess the magazine hadn’t anticipated for the winner to bring someone that barely speaks to her.

 


“Yeah!” Luke exclaimed. “This is my favourite song.” He began to jump to the beat, splattering mud in all directions.



“Stop it! You’re splattering me.” I complained while trying to move away from him. It was barely possible to move with the crowd and it didn’t help that most others were jumping also. I had expected it to be inside, instead of outside in the rain, where your feet sink into the ground due to the hundreds of feet mashing it up. Mud covered me from my ankles to my thighs and my shoes had disappeared long ago since I took them off and threw them away. High-heels were terrible footwear for a muddy field.



“Stop whining Elizabeth.” I hated it when people called me by my full name. “You won these tickets, so enjoy it!” Luke told me.



“I would be if we were inside, I wasn’t soaked and muddy, I still had my brand new shoes, and I wasn’t wearing this stupid skirt!” I exclaimed in one outraged breath. Luke’s face fell into a mocking expression.



“Aw, is little Elizabeth dirty?” Luke sang, laughing to himself. I scowled at him and turned around. He always made me feel worthless and stupid! Why did I even take him when I could have had loads of fun with Emma or Helen? I guess I hoped he’d be thankful to me for bringing him and soften up a little. I wanted to know why he treated me differently from all the other girls. What had I ever done to him?

 


Wiping a tear from my cheek, I turned around to tell him I was going back to the hotel and he could come back to it when he wanted to – if he wanted to. I was stopped short when I saw him kissing a girl. She must have been some drunk in the crowd. Her hands were up his t-shirt and his were on her hips. I felt like someone had just punched me in the gut. Furious for doing this to myself I pushed through the crowd to go back to the hotel.



“When am I going to wake up and face reality?" I mumbled to myself. "He doesn’t want me.”







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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy this story. I am not even sure what problem the protagonist faced. This story was okay. The story would have been better if the author had introduced the problem differently and made it feel more pressing. I really enjoyed this story. The author did a good job pulling me into the story by introducing an immediate and important problem for the protagonist.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the story.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters were somewhat dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I partially understood the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the characters. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters were very dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I thoroughly understood their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and cared about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: Plot

I finished reading the story so the plot must have unfolded, but I am not sure what the plot was. The characters did not achieve or grow by solving the problems they faced in this story. There were definite wrinkles in the way the plot unfolded leading to the final conflict. The plot was loosely tied to the achievement and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame some of the problems flowed unnaturally with the story. I could see the plot unfolding through a series of escalating problems that lead to the final conflict. The plot helped me understand the achievements and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame the problems flowed naturally with the st

In fiction a plot is all the events in a story, particularly rendered towards the achievement of some particular artistic or emotional effect. In other words it's what mostly happened in the story. The plot draws the reader into the character's lives and helps the reader understand the choices that the characters make.

Category Name: Dialog

The dialog seemed like cold words on paper. I had a hard time following it. I didn’t learn very much about the characters through the dialog. Through the dialog I could sometimes see the characters learn and grow while occasionally discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was generally consistent with the character. Through the dialog I could see the characters learn and grow while simultaneously discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was true to the character and it helped me understand the characters emotions.

Category Name: Setting

The setting created a haze in my mind that detracted from the story. I am lost in time and space because I don’t know when or where this story takes place. The setting was described adequately, but not well enough to bring it to life in my mind. The setting did not add to or detract from the story. I am pretty sure I know when and where the story takes place. The author engaged all of my senses while vividly describing the setting. The setting helped me better understand the setting and plot. I know when and where this story takes place.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

Note: The purpose of ReviewFuse reviews is NOT to provide comprehensive copy editing, but rather to "ignite creativity." Reviewers should not feel obliged to point out every grammar or spelling error (though they certainly can if they wish), but should focus on this area only to the degree that errors make a story hard to follow or understand.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1. “It sucks the way the gig is outside in the rain.” I shouted.

2.

3. The crowd was intense and I was veing shoved in all directions as everyone swayed to the beat. The lights were flashing and my neck felt stiff from the way I was thrashing my head around to the music. 

4.

5.

6. “Na, I think it makes it even better.” Luke said back, smiling.

7.

8.

9. I looked down at my skirt, bare legs and heels and silently disagreed. The only reason I wore these totally unpractical clothes was to get a nice thought from Luke. Although I loved the band Fall Out Boy, I was dirty and cold and just wanted to go back to the hotel, curl up in bed and sleep.

10.

11.

12. I was so lucky to win the gig contest in a magazine. It was my favourite band and I won two tickets, two plane tickets to Manchester and two free nights in a hotel. Tonight was the first night, as we arrived here earlier in the day after an hour’s flight from Dublin. Conversation was pitiful, as I had no idea what to say to Luke.

13.          

14.

15. You see, Luke and I have never really been close. We hang out with the same people, go to the same places, and listen to the same music, but I’ve always found him virtually unapproachable. He always gave me snide comments, and so I've never really had a proper conversation with him, as I was always far too nervous. Despite this, I had the biggest crush on him. He had dark blonde hair, which went up in a messy sort of quiff. His eyes were pools of blue ice, which I desperately wanted to warm up. He had a perfectly chiseled face, each part of it more desirable than the last; those strong jawbones, his full lower lip which was only slightly bigger than his top and his neck, irresistibly smooth as it rounded off into his shoulders. His Adams apple moved as he talked, showing the pure male of him.

16.

17.

18. I remember one day, while he and a few others were messing around on skateboards, and I sat watching with the girls, he took off his t-shirt as he was too warm. I couldn’t stop staring; he looked unbelievable. You could see the lines of muscle on his stomach, the way the strong muscle between his ribs pushed against his skin. He was the type of guy who would hand a girl his coat in the rain to keep them warm and dry. He just wasn't that way with me.

19.  

20.

21. Stop it, Ellie you’re only making this worse for yourself. I thought, trying to work out how I would get through these next two nights. There was only one huge double bed in the room. I guess the magazine hadn’t anticipated for the winner to bring someone that barely speaks to her.

22.  

23.

24. “Yeah!” Luke exclaimed. “This is my favourite song.” He began to jump to the beat, splattering mud in all directions.

25.

26.

27. “Stop it! You’re splattering me.” I complained while trying to move away from him. It was barely possible to move with the crowd and it didn’t help that most others were jumping also. I had expected it to be inside, instead of outside in the rain, where your feet sink into the ground due to the hundreds of feet mashing it up. Mud covered me from my ankles to my thighs and my shoes had disappeared long ago since I took them off and threw them away. High-heels were terrible footwear for a muddy field.

28.

29.

30. “Stop whining Elizabeth.” I hated it when people called me by my full name. “You won these tickets, so enjoy it!” Luke told me.

31.

32.

33. “I would be if we were inside, I wasn’t soaked and muddy, I still had my brand new shoes, and I wasn’t wearing this stupid skirt!” I exclaimed in one outraged breath. Luke’s face fell into a mocking expression.

34.

35.

36. “Aw, is little Elizabeth dirty?” Luke sang, laughing to himself. I scowled at him and turned around. He always made me feel worthless and stupid! Why did I even take him when I could have had loads of fun with Emma or Helen? I guess I hoped he’d be thankful to me for bringing him and soften up a little. I wanted to know why he treated me differently from all the other girls. What had I ever done to him?

37.  

38.

39. Wiping a tear from my cheek, I turned around to tell him I was going back to the hotel and he could come back to it when he wanted to – if he wanted to. I was stopped short when I saw him kissing a girl. She must have been some drunk in the crowd. Her hands were up his t-shirt and his were on her hips. I felt like someone had just punched me in the gut. Furious for doing this to myself I pushed through the crowd to go back to the hotel.

40.

41.

42. “When am I going to wake up and face reality?" I mumbled to myself. "He doesn’t want me.”

43.

44.

45.

46.

47.

48.

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