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"Leap" by JonGaryFrost

Taking control of your life before it is too late.

Category: Short Story

Tags: Short Story

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LEAP


Rooftop gravel makes a peculiar sound underfoot. I have no idea why I use up one or two very precious seconds thinking this. I am counting to ten before I jump. My estimate is that it should take me roughly eight and one-half seconds to hit the ground. I read somewhere that it takes about that same amount of time for a man to fall in love. Seems fitting.

I wish I could give some sort of ironic twist or transcendent lesson to the ones I leave behind. Sadly, I just gave up. Even sadder I leave no one behind. No major occurrence led me to this. Life had ground me to a similar consistency of the gravel clinging to my shoe. I feel that the absence of occurrence was more crushing than any anvil life could have dropped on me. We are creatures of pursuit. Life exists for the ebb and flow of successes and failures. But for me there was only a consistent gray patch of road. When I say it in my mind it sounds whiny and pathetic. I have to be close to ten. I sort of lost count. Maybe I should start over. I have always hated how I can't keep a good train of thought going. I can smell cabbage cooking from one of the apartments below. I don't want that to be the last smell I experience. But I guess that is just one more example of my situation. I could go over to the other side.

This side is better. No smell and instead of a dumpster below there is a newer model BMW. If I aim just right, I can ruin some yuppie prick's day. This feels sort of nice. Sort of empowering. Ok...I should start my count to ten over again. My walk to the other side of the building has rustled up a few pigeons and the sound of their wings is slightly freeing. It feels good to know that I set this sound into motion. They were perfectly content to sit there and peck until I came along. This sort of gives me a surge of energy. I think I am ready. One, two, three, four...............

I jump up and out, tucking my legs under me and grabbing my knees. If anyone were here to witness this they would see it as the classic cannonball jump. Seems fitting. I even giggle a little at the uncommon display of humor I have made. I really do wish there were someone here to see this. Maybe if I am lucky there is a homeless person watching from somewhere I can't see.

I peek over and down and see that I am falling perfectly in line with the BMW. I could have had a BMW, I suppose. But I always chose an economy-line car, generally domestic. Seems fitting.

I am closing in fast now. I know that this is the one time in my life that I am in control. Or actually I guess I was until I jumped. Know it's pretty much up to gravity and whether or not BMW's have a roof crumple-zone. If so I could possibly survive. I could actually screw this up and wind up in a hospital eating from a tube for the rest of my life. Seems fitting.

There is a whomp-sound when I make contact with the car. The horn begins to wail. Searing pain shoots through me. The last few seconds of my life are filled with a blaring horn and a bright light that washes out most of my vision. I have ripped through the convertible roof of the car and hit *****-first on the front seat. The angle that I hit transferred my downward motion into an arc. The arc ended with the steering wheel crushing my chest. My entire life I have been rudderless and now I am ended by a steering wheel. Seems fitting.


3/30/2009





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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy this story. I am not even sure what problem the protagonist faced. This story was okay. The story would have been better if the author had introduced the problem differently and made it feel more pressing. I really enjoyed this story. The author did a good job pulling me into the story by introducing an immediate and important problem for the protagonist.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the story.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters were somewhat dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I partially understood the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the characters. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters were very dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I thoroughly understood their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and cared about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: Plot

I finished reading the story so the plot must have unfolded, but I am not sure what the plot was. The characters did not achieve or grow by solving the problems they faced in this story. There were definite wrinkles in the way the plot unfolded leading to the final conflict. The plot was loosely tied to the achievement and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame some of the problems flowed unnaturally with the story. I could see the plot unfolding through a series of escalating problems that lead to the final conflict. The plot helped me understand the achievements and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame the problems flowed naturally with the st

In fiction a plot is all the events in a story, particularly rendered towards the achievement of some particular artistic or emotional effect. In other words it's what mostly happened in the story. The plot draws the reader into the character's lives and helps the reader understand the choices that the characters make.

Category Name: Dialog

The dialog seemed like cold words on paper. I had a hard time following it. I didn’t learn very much about the characters through the dialog. Through the dialog I could sometimes see the characters learn and grow while occasionally discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was generally consistent with the character. Through the dialog I could see the characters learn and grow while simultaneously discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was true to the character and it helped me understand the characters emotions.

Category Name: Setting

The setting created a haze in my mind that detracted from the story. I am lost in time and space because I don’t know when or where this story takes place. The setting was described adequately, but not well enough to bring it to life in my mind. The setting did not add to or detract from the story. I am pretty sure I know when and where the story takes place. The author engaged all of my senses while vividly describing the setting. The setting helped me better understand the setting and plot. I know when and where this story takes place.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

Note: The purpose of ReviewFuse reviews is NOT to provide comprehensive copy editing, but rather to "ignite creativity." Reviewers should not feel obliged to point out every grammar or spelling error (though they certainly can if they wish), but should focus on this area only to the degree that errors make a story hard to follow or understand.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

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3. LEAP

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5. Rooftop gravel makes a peculiar sound underfoot. I have no idea why I use up one or two very precious seconds thinking this. I am counting to ten before I jump. My estimate is that it should take me roughly eight and one-half seconds to hit the ground. I read somewhere that it takes about that same amount of time for a man to fall in love. Seems fitting.

6. I wish I could give some sort of ironic twist or transcendent lesson to the ones I leave behind. Sadly, I just gave up. Even sadder I leave no one behind. No major occurrence led me to this. Life had ground me to a similar consistency of the gravel clinging to my shoe. I feel that the absence of occurrence was more crushing than any anvil life could have dropped on me. We are creatures of pursuit. Life exists for the ebb and flow of successes and failures. But for me there was only a consistent gray patch of road. When I say it in my mind it sounds whiny and pathetic. I have to be close to ten. I sort of lost count. Maybe I should start over. I have always hated how I can't keep a good train of thought going. I can smell cabbage cooking from one of the apartments below. I don't want that to be the last smell I experience. But I guess that is just one more example of my situation. I could go over to the other side.

7. This side is better. No smell and instead of a dumpster below there is a newer model BMW. If I aim just right, I can ruin some yuppie prick's day. This feels sort of nice. Sort of empowering. Ok...I should start my count to ten over again. My walk to the other side of the building has rustled up a few pigeons and the sound of their wings is slightly freeing. It feels good to know that I set this sound into motion. They were perfectly content to sit there and peck until I came along. This sort of gives me a surge of energy. I think I am ready. One, two, three, four...............

8. I jump up and out, tucking my legs under me and grabbing my knees. If anyone were here to witness this they would see it as the classic cannonball jump. Seems fitting. I even giggle a little at the uncommon display of humor I have made. I really do wish there were someone here to see this. Maybe if I am lucky there is a homeless person watching from somewhere I can't see.

9. I peek over and down and see that I am falling perfectly in line with the BMW. I could have had a BMW, I suppose. But I always chose an economy-line car, generally domestic. Seems fitting.

10. I am closing in fast now. I know that this is the one time in my life that I am in control. Or actually I guess I was until I jumped. Know it's pretty much up to gravity and whether or not BMW's have a roof crumple-zone. If so I could possibly survive. I could actually screw this up and wind up in a hospital eating from a tube for the rest of my life. Seems fitting.

11. There is a whomp-sound when I make contact with the car. The horn begins to wail. Searing pain shoots through me. The last few seconds of my life are filled with a blaring horn and a bright light that washes out most of my vision. I have ripped through the convertible roof of the car and hit *****-first on the front seat. The angle that I hit transferred my downward motion into an arc. The arc ended with the steering wheel crushing my chest. My entire life I have been rudderless and now I am ended by a steering wheel. Seems fitting.

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13. 3/30/2009

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