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"Marathon Dawn" by cutespacebar

This is a historical fiction piece based on the Battle of Marathon. Enjoy!

Category: Short Story

Tags: historical fiction, greece, athens, marathon, fiction, ancient, adventure, female

You can do an inline review of this work in the review tab.

Marathon Dawn

My feet thundered across the ground with the rest of the Athenian army. We poured out of the Valley of Vrana, ten-thousand strong. Battle cries were roared out as our army stampeded towards the Persians. Our fate was questionable, but in the event of defeat, the Persians would be able to channel the momentum of their win into their objective: the domination of all of Greece.

Sand sprang up in flurries, chasing and nipping at the Athenian soldiers’ heels as I surveyed the marshes to the northeast and south, the pine forest also northeast, the Valley of Vrana to our backs, and the ocean in front. The beauty of this cloudless day was lost to me as I then focused my attention on the enemy Persians.

“It’s ironic,” I thought. “I’m fighting with men, men who don’t know that I am really a disguised young woman. They will die believing that I am Thaddeus, but I am Alesia!” I felt a twinge of regret at this overdue contemplation, wondering if perhaps I was betraying my comrades. Guilt washed over me, but before I could do anything else, I heard the order.

“RETREAT!!!” barked my commander. Our plan was foolproof. We would run towards the enemy and retreat. They would follow our center and charge after us. Our flanks would surround and slaughter them while we picked off the deserters. Little did I know, an agreement between my army commanders would cause a great sacrifice to be made in the near future…

The battle tactic was working well. The Persian army was taking the bait and charging after our middle section. My contingent and the others closed in behind them. I watched as enemy soldiers were cut down like ripe wheat. They ran madly towards the remaining boats as we pursued them.

The beach bloomed crimson like an autumn orchard, founts of blood contrasting with the buttery gold of the sand and the deep aquamarine of the ocean. Swords clashed and shields were bent out of shape. Limbs flailed wildly as people tried to gain the upper hand on their enemies. I tripped over a dead body and Athenians trampled me in the mad rush for the Persians. I spat out the grit and fought my way up before being swept up in the tide of my army again.

In seconds, I was up to my knees in the icy spray of the sea. I was about to start swimming and try to capture a boat with the rest when my commander grabbed me by the shoulder.

“They’re going to try to sail to Athens and catch it unprepared,” he bellowed over the chaos. “I have arranged that we will send someone back to notify them about what has happened. Tell them that we have won the battle, but to make everyone stand atop the wall so it looks like they are well defended. If luck is with us, they can stall the Persians until our army arrives,” he explained. “You can’t fail this mission, soldier! Our fate rests in your hands.”

I heard the last words as I was already sprinting for the path to Athens. I had to get there before the enemy in order to save my homeland; likewise, I felt the need prove myself as an indespensible asset to the army in order to smother my guilt.

* * * * * *

“Into the ships!” cried the Persian ship captain above the din. The boats started to slide away from the shore even while some of them were fighting or scrambling aboard. Persian sailors watched helplessly as their comrades tried to swim faster. The swords of the Athenians whisked nimbly in and out, stabbing here, slashing there. The survivors listened as the clanging of metal on metal subsided into an eerie hush that settled over the battlefield.

* * * * *

It was getting darker, and my breathing was more labored. I needed water badly after hours of running. I glanced up. No water in sight… again. This time, I tripped over a rock and fell heavily to the dirt. My chin hit the ground and I bit my tongue. As the salty, metallic taste of blood filled my mouth I gasped for air. I wished I could just lie there, let unconsciousness slide in like the tide and wash my responsibilities out to see. But Athens was counting on me. Wasn’t it? The doubt I had briefly felt on the battlefield, coupled with sour memories crept again into my thoughts. Had I thought myself clever and heroic in my disguise, a worthy soldier? Now the truth emerged: I was a failure, a betrayer, a liability and as much a nuisance to the Athenians as the Persians were.

What was the point? It would be so easy to die right here and float away carelessly on the night wind. This thought triggered a flashback from my teenage years and I found myself reliving the event that had hurled me into the Athenian army.

I crouched at my twin brother’s side as he shivered weakly. “Stay with me, Thaddeus. I know you can. Mama’s in town but she’ll be back soon with some medicine. I promise.” I couldn’t tell him that Mama was gone, that she had taken the food and the money and ridden away on the family mule. He turned his head away as a tremor wracked his body.

“I don’t want to live. Please make the pain go away, Alesia. Just let me die. It would be… so… easy,” he whispered as terror swept through me. I couldn’t stand it, couldn’t bear to hear the words and backed away.

“You can’t just give up!” I cried out. “You can’t! That’s the coward’s way out! You can’t! No!” My words babbled out until they were incoherent and I rocked back and forth, closing my eyes in an attempt to shut out my emotions. By the time I opened them again, only mere minutes had passed, but Thaddeus’ eyes had glazed over. Reeling, I stumbled out into the street and began a frenzied run away from the little hut. From a distance, I saw the main town gate and a cluster of soldiers relaxing in a modest patch of shade. Stopping short at the sight, an idea began to take hold. Now alone in the world, I now knew what I would have to do to survive.

Realization bloomed within me as all traces of self-doubt were shredded to oblivion. Who and what was I doing this for? I was doing it for Athens, my home. I was doing it for my myself, the war, the soldiers and their families, for history, and most of all, for my brother! Yes, I was doing it for Thaddeus and I wouldn’t let him down. Clenching my teeth, I tore off my polished helmet and rose. The ebony tresses underneath were freed along with my fierce spirit. An undefinable obsession grasped my rejuvenated body and propelled it once again towards the gate of mighty Athens.

* * * * *

The oars of the Persian ships were synchronized perfectly. The oarsmen had been at it for some time, speechless as they thought about their dead companions.

“Six kilometers to go!” informed a brutish, bloodied general. The paddles cut into the sparkling sea with renewed intensity as the ships put on an extra burst of speed.

* * * * *

“Just a bit farther,” I thought. The hills blushed a light peach color as tendrils of dawn breathed new life into them. Meanwhile, my throat was parched and every breath felt like liquid fire in my lungs. My extremities had long since lost feeling and the lifeblood within me was being conserved and pumped only to my vitals and throbbing legs.

Suddenly, I saw the glow of torches from around the bend. A tower came into view, closely followed by a high wall. The pungent odors of dried fish and freshly harvested olives reached me as I approached the city. Athens! I had made it. Within minutes, I was up to the giant timber gate. I pounded on it until my hands started to bleed; strangely, the fatigue I felt added a surreal element to the event, and my numbed mind hardly registered the rivulets running over my palms.

“State your name and purpose,” The voice of a guard demanded. I snapped back to reality after a moment’s hesitation.

“A messenger--from the Battle of Marathon--come with great news,” I panted as my legs trembled and gave way. The gates opened and two men hauled me through the gap. I knelt on the cool dirt and felt unconsciousness coming on. I had to tell the message… fast.

“Get your citizens up on the wall. Make it look like you are well protected! Then the Persians will think you have a large army.”

“Why? Are they coming?” someone asked. With the last breath in my body, I gasped, “Yes, for we have won the battle!” Then, I toppled to the ground. The guard knelt down and checked my pulse.

“Dead,” he shook his head. “He’s--SHE’S dead. It’s a woman!!!”

“What!?” cried another. “A girl, in the army? How did-”

“Does it matter?” interrupted a third man. “Her task was to protect us by relaying information. She died fulfilling her cause. She truly saved her country.”


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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy this story. I am not even sure what problem the protagonist faced. This story was okay. The story would have been better if the author had introduced the problem differently and made it feel more pressing. I really enjoyed this story. The author did a good job pulling me into the story by introducing an immediate and important problem for the protagonist.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the story.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters were somewhat dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I partially understood the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the characters. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters were very dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I thoroughly understood their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and cared about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: Plot

I finished reading the story so the plot must have unfolded, but I am not sure what the plot was. The characters did not achieve or grow by solving the problems they faced in this story. There were definite wrinkles in the way the plot unfolded leading to the final conflict. The plot was loosely tied to the achievement and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame some of the problems flowed unnaturally with the story. I could see the plot unfolding through a series of escalating problems that lead to the final conflict. The plot helped me understand the achievements and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame the problems flowed naturally with the st

In fiction a plot is all the events in a story, particularly rendered towards the achievement of some particular artistic or emotional effect. In other words it's what mostly happened in the story. The plot draws the reader into the character's lives and helps the reader understand the choices that the characters make.

Category Name: Dialog

The dialog seemed like cold words on paper. I had a hard time following it. I didn’t learn very much about the characters through the dialog. Through the dialog I could sometimes see the characters learn and grow while occasionally discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was generally consistent with the character. Through the dialog I could see the characters learn and grow while simultaneously discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was true to the character and it helped me understand the characters emotions.

Category Name: Setting

The setting created a haze in my mind that detracted from the story. I am lost in time and space because I don’t know when or where this story takes place. The setting was described adequately, but not well enough to bring it to life in my mind. The setting did not add to or detract from the story. I am pretty sure I know when and where the story takes place. The author engaged all of my senses while vividly describing the setting. The setting helped me better understand the setting and plot. I know when and where this story takes place.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

Note: The purpose of ReviewFuse reviews is NOT to provide comprehensive copy editing, but rather to "ignite creativity." Reviewers should not feel obliged to point out every grammar or spelling error (though they certainly can if they wish), but should focus on this area only to the degree that errors make a story hard to follow or understand.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1. Marathon Dawn

2. My feet thundered across the ground with the rest of the Athenian army. We poured out of the Valley of Vrana, ten-thousand strong. Battle cries were roared out as our army stampeded towards the Persians. Our fate was questionable, but in the event of defeat, the Persians would be able to channel the momentum of their win into their objective: the domination of all of Greece.

3. Sand sprang up in flurries, chasing and nipping at the Athenian soldiers’ heels as I surveyed the marshes to the northeast and south, the pine forest also northeast, the Valley of Vrana to our backs, and the ocean in front. The beauty of this cloudless day was lost to me as I then focused my attention on the enemy Persians.

4. “It’s ironic,” I thought. “I’m fighting with men, men who don’t know that I am really a disguised young woman. They will die believing that I am Thaddeus, but I am Alesia!” I felt a twinge of regret at this overdue contemplation, wondering if perhaps I was betraying my comrades. Guilt washed over me, but before I could do anything else, I heard the order.

5. “RETREAT!!!” barked my commander. Our plan was foolproof. We would run towards the enemy and retreat. They would follow our center and charge after us. Our flanks would surround and slaughter them while we picked off the deserters. Little did I know, an agreement between my army commanders would cause a great sacrifice to be made in the near future…

6. The battle tactic was working well. The Persian army was taking the bait and charging after our middle section. My contingent and the others closed in behind them. I watched as enemy soldiers were cut down like ripe wheat. They ran madly towards the remaining boats as we pursued them.

7. The beach bloomed crimson like an autumn orchard, founts of blood contrasting with the buttery gold of the sand and the deep aquamarine of the ocean. Swords clashed and shields were bent out of shape. Limbs flailed wildly as people tried to gain the upper hand on their enemies. I tripped over a dead body and Athenians trampled me in the mad rush for the Persians. I spat out the grit and fought my way up before being swept up in the tide of my army again.

8. In seconds, I was up to my knees in the icy spray of the sea. I was about to start swimming and try to capture a boat with the rest when my commander grabbed me by the shoulder.

9. “They’re going to try to sail to Athens and catch it unprepared,” he bellowed over the chaos. “I have arranged that we will send someone back to notify them about what has happened. Tell them that we have won the battle, but to make everyone stand atop the wall so it looks like they are well defended. If luck is with us, they can stall the Persians until our army arrives,” he explained. “You can’t fail this mission, soldier! Our fate rests in your hands.”

10. I heard the last words as I was already sprinting for the path to Athens. I had to get there before the enemy in order to save my homeland; likewise, I felt the need prove myself as an indespensible asset to the army in order to smother my guilt.

11. * * * * * *

12. “Into the ships!” cried the Persian ship captain above the din. The boats started to slide away from the shore even while some of them were fighting or scrambling aboard. Persian sailors watched helplessly as their comrades tried to swim faster. The swords of the Athenians whisked nimbly in and out, stabbing here, slashing there. The survivors listened as the clanging of metal on metal subsided into an eerie hush that settled over the battlefield.

13. * * * * *

14. It was getting darker, and my breathing was more labored. I needed water badly after hours of running. I glanced up. No water in sight… again. This time, I tripped over a rock and fell heavily to the dirt. My chin hit the ground and I bit my tongue. As the salty, metallic taste of blood filled my mouth I gasped for air. I wished I could just lie there, let unconsciousness slide in like the tide and wash my responsibilities out to see. But Athens was counting on me. Wasn’t it? The doubt I had briefly felt on the battlefield, coupled with sour memories crept again into my thoughts. Had I thought myself clever and heroic in my disguise, a worthy soldier? Now the truth emerged: I was a failure, a betrayer, a liability and as much a nuisance to the Athenians as the Persians were.

15. What was the point? It would be so easy to die right here and float away carelessly on the night wind. This thought triggered a flashback from my teenage years and I found myself reliving the event that had hurled me into the Athenian army.

16. I crouched at my twin brother’s side as he shivered weakly. “Stay with me, Thaddeus. I know you can. Mama’s in town but she’ll be back soon with some medicine. I promise.” I couldn’t tell him that Mama was gone, that she had taken the food and the money and ridden away on the family mule. He turned his head away as a tremor wracked his body.

17. “I don’t want to live. Please make the pain go away, Alesia. Just let me die. It would be… so… easy,” he whispered as terror swept through me. I couldn’t stand it, couldn’t bear to hear the words and backed away.

18. “You can’t just give up!” I cried out. “You can’t! That’s the coward’s way out! You can’t! No!” My words babbled out until they were incoherent and I rocked back and forth, closing my eyes in an attempt to shut out my emotions. By the time I opened them again, only mere minutes had passed, but Thaddeus’ eyes had glazed over. Reeling, I stumbled out into the street and began a frenzied run away from the little hut. From a distance, I saw the main town gate and a cluster of soldiers relaxing in a modest patch of shade. Stopping short at the sight, an idea began to take hold. Now alone in the world, I now knew what I would have to do to survive.

19. Realization bloomed within me as all traces of self-doubt were shredded to oblivion. Who and what was I doing this for? I was doing it for Athens, my home. I was doing it for my myself, the war, the soldiers and their families, for history, and most of all, for my brother! Yes, I was doing it for Thaddeus and I wouldn’t let him down. Clenching my teeth, I tore off my polished helmet and rose. The ebony tresses underneath were freed along with my fierce spirit. An undefinable obsession grasped my rejuvenated body and propelled it once again towards the gate of mighty Athens.

20. * * * * *

21. The oars of the Persian ships were synchronized perfectly. The oarsmen had been at it for some time, speechless as they thought about their dead companions.

22. “Six kilometers to go!” informed a brutish, bloodied general. The paddles cut into the sparkling sea with renewed intensity as the ships put on an extra burst of speed.

23. * * * * *

24. “Just a bit farther,” I thought. The hills blushed a light peach color as tendrils of dawn breathed new life into them. Meanwhile, my throat was parched and every breath felt like liquid fire in my lungs. My extremities had long since lost feeling and the lifeblood within me was being conserved and pumped only to my vitals and throbbing legs.

25. Suddenly, I saw the glow of torches from around the bend. A tower came into view, closely followed by a high wall. The pungent odors of dried fish and freshly harvested olives reached me as I approached the city. Athens! I had made it. Within minutes, I was up to the giant timber gate. I pounded on it until my hands started to bleed; strangely, the fatigue I felt added a surreal element to the event, and my numbed mind hardly registered the rivulets running over my palms.

26. “State your name and purpose,” The voice of a guard demanded. I snapped back to reality after a moment’s hesitation.

27. “A messenger--from the Battle of Marathon--come with great news,” I panted as my legs trembled and gave way. The gates opened and two men hauled me through the gap. I knelt on the cool dirt and felt unconsciousness coming on. I had to tell the message… fast.

28. “Get your citizens up on the wall. Make it look like you are well protected! Then the Persians will think you have a large army.”

29. “Why? Are they coming?” someone asked. With the last breath in my body, I gasped, “Yes, for we have won the battle!” Then, I toppled to the ground. The guard knelt down and checked my pulse.

30. “Dead,” he shook his head. “He’s--SHE’S dead. It’s a woman!!!”

31. “What!?” cried another. “A girl, in the army? How did-”

32. “Does it matter?” interrupted a third man. “Her task was to protect us by relaying information. She died fulfilling her cause. She truly saved her country.”

33.

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