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"Crottled Greeps" by jdteehan

This is a "shaggy dog" sort of story in a very skiffy sort of setting. It's meant to be a light read.

Category: Short Story

Tags: Science Fiction, Humor

You can do an inline review of this work in the review tab.

Approximately 1,150 words


“Crottled Greeps”

by John Teehan


The crowded marketplace was mercifully cool, for which Under-Minister Tiffin was extremely grateful. His feathered head bobbed up and down as he made his was toward the Grand Council ampitheater, his tail tucked discretely between his long legs which he bent backwards to disguise his height. Around him, hundreds of species of galactic citizenry mingled, and Tiffin wished that Bureaucrat City was a little less diverse.


This was the Ghillie homeworld, after all--and despite it also being one of several centers of galactic bureaucratic activity, it nevertheless surprised Tiffin how few fellow Ghillies there were on the streets. He saw low-slung Bohoszi by the dozen, and six-legged Heffelkis by the score. Polians swooped overhead--always on important business, and scattered here and there Tiffin spied the occasional Basla holding court. It would be easier to blend in and go unnoticed if there were more Ghillies around--or, at least, taller species.


He was understandably worried. This morning featured a meeting of the Small Council for Extragalactic Affairs. Although he wasn’t looking forward to tallying the vote, this was not the cause of Tiffin’s dread. It was a shame that this was the only route to the ampitheater. For once, Tiffin would like to get to a meeting without--


“If it isn’t Under-Minister Tiffin!” called a boisterous voice. “Come! Join me for a tosh, why don’t you?”


--running into Over-Minister of Galactic Affairs Baslazar. Tiffin sighed and turned toward the voice. Sure enough, the cheerfully corpulent frame of Baslazar lounged outside one of Bureaucrat City’s numerous food stalls, the morning sun glinting off his slick scales. The Over-Minister waved a fat appendage at an empty seat beside a steaming array of bowls, plates, and cups.


There was no getting out of it, Tiffin realized. One does not turn down an invitation for breakfast with Baslazar.


“Ah, Tiffin, my dear fellow,” said Baslazar through a mouthful of crottled greeps, “do sit down. Here, try some of this--you’ve been looking a little pale lately.” He pushed a bowl of wriggling green things at Tiffin who gave it a sniff and suppressed a shudder.


“Good morning, Over-Minister,” Tiffin greeted.


“Good morning, indeed!” sniffed Baslazar. ”I suppose you’ve heard about the species that recently arrived from that backwater, Uglion 3? Uglions! Who could have guessed?”


Right down to business, thought Tiffin. Maybe he could get this encounter over with quickly. “Policy dictates we call them by their local name,” he said, “Earthlings, I belie--”


“Pah! They’ll get used to being called Uglions.” Baslazar waved a dismissive hand. “So you’ve heard of them.”


“Yes,” said Tiffin, “I was just on my way to the voting ses--”


“You know what should be done with them, of course,” said Baslazar. He snapped a tube of spiced meat open with his beak. “They should be assimilated into civilized culture as quickly as possible. It won’t be easy, mind you. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a more backward sort of people.”


“Well, that’s as may be,” said Tiffin, “but you know, they did make it out of their galaxy under their own power, and--”


“Pish posh. Have you seen that bucket they arrived in? It’s a wonder that it didn’t shake apart when they hit lightspeed. And that nav computer of theirs. Laughable! Made of sand, rocks, and simple polymers. Can you believe they are still using binary code? A dowsing rod would have worked as well.”


“An intrepid sort of species, I thought,” said Tiffin. “In fact--”


“My dear fellow,” Baslazar said around a steaming mug of huzzle. “It’s not bravery, it’s sheer stupidity with a dash of blind luck. Natural selection should have wiped them out millennia ago. That so-called vessel of theirs wasn’t even equipped with shipboard weapons. All they had were a few handheld chemically-based projectile weapons. They may as well throw rocks.”


“Still, a civilized race of beings should be given the benef--”


“Ha!” roared Baslazar. “Civilized? Did you know that on their planet, there are several thousand different languages spoken, and they have over one hundred distinct religions? Those are among the first things we’re going to change for them.”


“Well,” said Tiffin as he took a cautionary sniff of his crottled greeps, “they’re a little backwards, I’ll admit. But, as always, we must ask ourselves if it is right to intrud--”


“Don’t be ridiculous, my dear fellow. Converting them to the worship of Holy Bazhia will be the first thing the Matriarchy wishes us to address. Unify them under the one true religion—get them all speaking standard galactic. We’ll erect education camps on Uglion 3’s natural satellite--for their own good, of course.”


“Their own good?” asked Tiffin.


Baslazar popped a handful of boiled freppers into his mouth. “We would be remiss in our responsibilities as a civilized society not to do so. Trust me on this, my dear Tiffin. As soon as your department clears from quarantine the Uglions we have in protective custody, we’ll send a quarter-fleet to Uglion 3 to begin a course of assimilation.”


Tiffin frowned. This was why he dreaded these morning run-ins with Baslazar. “I don’t know if we’re going to do that,” Tiffin said. “Some of us wonder if assimilation would be the best thing. The Small Council is considering quarantining the entire sector--”


“Nonsense!” Baslazar banged a meaty fist against the table, overturning bowls and plates. “Why my dear Tiffin. I have heard from some of the other Under-Ministers that these Uglions would make wonderful servants once trained. Simple tasks, obviously, but a resource that should be encouraged. How can the Under-Ministry be so shortsighted?”


Tiffin sighed and tugged on his feathered chin. “I admit that we’re not all one voice, as of yet. I just do not think that anyone would benefit from introducing them into galactic society at this point of time. Personally, I think the Earthlings may push themselves into extinction anyway before long; and do we really want that sort of species around? Plus, you have to pity them a little--”


“No, my dear Tiffin,” said Baslazar, righting a bowl of pickled digglies and scooping some into his mouth. “It’s our duty to save these poor creatures from themselves. I encourage you, in the strongest possible terms, to consider your position.”


Once again, Tiffin sighed. He slumped his shoulders and knew that Baslazar would have his way--and he wasn’t entirely incorrect, either. Maybe not for the reasons that Baslazar thought, but perhaps it would be best to bring the Earthlings—or Uglions--into the fold sooner rather than later. What would happen if Uglion technology advanced beyond their so-called civilization? “Very well, Over-Minister. I will carefully reconsider my position.”


“Excellent! Excellent!” boomed Baslazar. “Now... let us finish breakfast, and I’ll walk with you to the ampitheater. Hmm...you’ve not touched your greeps.”


Tiffin poked at the bowl suspiciously. “Well, Over-Minister. I think perhaps they might not have been prepared properly.”


“How so?”


“They’re moving,” answered Tiffin.


“Well of course!” laughed Baslazar. “They’ve been crottled!”


--end--



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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy this story. I am not even sure what problem the protagonist faced. This story was okay. The story would have been better if the author had introduced the problem differently and made it feel more pressing. I really enjoyed this story. The author did a good job pulling me into the story by introducing an immediate and important problem for the protagonist.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the story.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters were somewhat dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I partially understood the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the characters. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters were very dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I thoroughly understood their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and cared about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: Plot

I finished reading the story so the plot must have unfolded, but I am not sure what the plot was. The characters did not achieve or grow by solving the problems they faced in this story. There were definite wrinkles in the way the plot unfolded leading to the final conflict. The plot was loosely tied to the achievement and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame some of the problems flowed unnaturally with the story. I could see the plot unfolding through a series of escalating problems that lead to the final conflict. The plot helped me understand the achievements and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame the problems flowed naturally with the st

In fiction a plot is all the events in a story, particularly rendered towards the achievement of some particular artistic or emotional effect. In other words it's what mostly happened in the story. The plot draws the reader into the character's lives and helps the reader understand the choices that the characters make.

Category Name: Dialog

The dialog seemed like cold words on paper. I had a hard time following it. I didn’t learn very much about the characters through the dialog. Through the dialog I could sometimes see the characters learn and grow while occasionally discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was generally consistent with the character. Through the dialog I could see the characters learn and grow while simultaneously discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was true to the character and it helped me understand the characters emotions.

Category Name: Setting

The setting created a haze in my mind that detracted from the story. I am lost in time and space because I don’t know when or where this story takes place. The setting was described adequately, but not well enough to bring it to life in my mind. The setting did not add to or detract from the story. I am pretty sure I know when and where the story takes place. The author engaged all of my senses while vividly describing the setting. The setting helped me better understand the setting and plot. I know when and where this story takes place.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

Note: The purpose of ReviewFuse reviews is NOT to provide comprehensive copy editing, but rather to "ignite creativity." Reviewers should not feel obliged to point out every grammar or spelling error (though they certainly can if they wish), but should focus on this area only to the degree that errors make a story hard to follow or understand.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1. Approximately 1,150 words

2.

3. “Crottled Greeps”

4. by John Teehan

5.

6. The crowded marketplace was mercifully cool, for which Under-Minister Tiffin was extremely grateful. His feathered head bobbed up and down as he made his was toward the Grand Council ampitheater, his tail tucked discretely between his long legs which he bent backwards to disguise his height. Around him, hundreds of species of galactic citizenry mingled, and Tiffin wished that Bureaucrat City was a little less diverse.

7.

8. This was the Ghillie homeworld, after all--and despite it also being one of several centers of galactic bureaucratic activity, it nevertheless surprised Tiffin how few fellow Ghillies there were on the streets. He saw low-slung Bohoszi by the dozen, and six-legged Heffelkis by the score. Polians swooped overhead--always on important business, and scattered here and there Tiffin spied the occasional Basla holding court. It would be easier to blend in and go unnoticed if there were more Ghillies around--or, at least, taller species.

9.

10. He was understandably worried. This morning featured a meeting of the Small Council for Extragalactic Affairs. Although he wasn’t looking forward to tallying the vote, this was not the cause of Tiffin’s dread. It was a shame that this was the only route to the ampitheater. For once, Tiffin would like to get to a meeting without--

11.

12. “If it isn’t Under-Minister Tiffin!” called a boisterous voice. “Come! Join me for a tosh, why don’t you?”

13.

14. --running into Over-Minister of Galactic Affairs Baslazar. Tiffin sighed and turned toward the voice. Sure enough, the cheerfully corpulent frame of Baslazar lounged outside one of Bureaucrat City’s numerous food stalls, the morning sun glinting off his slick scales. The Over-Minister waved a fat appendage at an empty seat beside a steaming array of bowls, plates, and cups.

15.

16. There was no getting out of it, Tiffin realized. One does not turn down an invitation for breakfast with Baslazar.

17.

18. “Ah, Tiffin, my dear fellow,” said Baslazar through a mouthful of crottled greeps, “do sit down. Here, try some of this--you’ve been looking a little pale lately.” He pushed a bowl of wriggling green things at Tiffin who gave it a sniff and suppressed a shudder.

19.

20. “Good morning, Over-Minister,” Tiffin greeted.

21.

22. “Good morning, indeed!” sniffed Baslazar. ”I suppose you’ve heard about the species that recently arrived from that backwater, Uglion 3? Uglions! Who could have guessed?”

23.

24. Right down to business, thought Tiffin. Maybe he could get this encounter over with quickly. “Policy dictates we call them by their local name,” he said, “Earthlings, I belie--”

25.

26. “Pah! They’ll get used to being called Uglions.” Baslazar waved a dismissive hand. “So you’ve heard of them.”

27.

28. “Yes,” said Tiffin, “I was just on my way to the voting ses--”

29.

30. “You know what should be done with them, of course,” said Baslazar. He snapped a tube of spiced meat open with his beak. “They should be assimilated into civilized culture as quickly as possible. It won’t be easy, mind you. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a more backward sort of people.”

31.

32. “Well, that’s as may be,” said Tiffin, “but you know, they did make it out of their galaxy under their own power, and--”

33.

34. “Pish posh. Have you seen that bucket they arrived in? It’s a wonder that it didn’t shake apart when they hit lightspeed. And that nav computer of theirs. Laughable! Made of sand, rocks, and simple polymers. Can you believe they are still using binary code? A dowsing rod would have worked as well.”

35.

36. “An intrepid sort of species, I thought,” said Tiffin. “In fact--”

37.

38. “My dear fellow,” Baslazar said around a steaming mug of huzzle. “It’s not bravery, it’s sheer stupidity with a dash of blind luck. Natural selection should have wiped them out millennia ago. That so-called vessel of theirs wasn’t even equipped with shipboard weapons. All they had were a few handheld chemically-based projectile weapons. They may as well throw rocks.”

39.

40. “Still, a civilized race of beings should be given the benef--”

41.

42. “Ha!” roared Baslazar. “Civilized? Did you know that on their planet, there are several thousand different languages spoken, and they have over one hundred distinct religions? Those are among the first things we’re going to change for them.”

43.

44. “Well,” said Tiffin as he took a cautionary sniff of his crottled greeps, “they’re a little backwards, I’ll admit. But, as always, we must ask ourselves if it is right to intrud--”

45.

46. “Don’t be ridiculous, my dear fellow. Converting them to the worship of Holy Bazhia will be the first thing the Matriarchy wishes us to address. Unify them under the one true religion—get them all speaking standard galactic. We’ll erect education camps on Uglion 3’s natural satellite--for their own good, of course.”

47.

48. “Their own good?” asked Tiffin.

49.

50. Baslazar popped a handful of boiled freppers into his mouth. “We would be remiss in our responsibilities as a civilized society not to do so. Trust me on this, my dear Tiffin. As soon as your department clears from quarantine the Uglions we have in protective custody, we’ll send a quarter-fleet to Uglion 3 to begin a course of assimilation.”

51.

52. Tiffin frowned. This was why he dreaded these morning run-ins with Baslazar. “I don’t know if we’re going to do that,” Tiffin said. “Some of us wonder if assimilation would be the best thing. The Small Council is considering quarantining the entire sector--”

53.

54. “Nonsense!” Baslazar banged a meaty fist against the table, overturning bowls and plates. “Why my dear Tiffin. I have heard from some of the other Under-Ministers that these Uglions would make wonderful servants once trained. Simple tasks, obviously, but a resource that should be encouraged. How can the Under-Ministry be so shortsighted?”

55.

56. Tiffin sighed and tugged on his feathered chin. “I admit that we’re not all one voice, as of yet. I just do not think that anyone would benefit from introducing them into galactic society at this point of time. Personally, I think the Earthlings may push themselves into extinction anyway before long; and do we really want that sort of species around? Plus, you have to pity them a little--”

57.

58. “No, my dear Tiffin,” said Baslazar, righting a bowl of pickled digglies and scooping some into his mouth. “It’s our duty to save these poor creatures from themselves. I encourage you, in the strongest possible terms, to consider your position.”

59.

60. Once again, Tiffin sighed. He slumped his shoulders and knew that Baslazar would have his way--and he wasn’t entirely incorrect, either. Maybe not for the reasons that Baslazar thought, but perhaps it would be best to bring the Earthlings—or Uglions--into the fold sooner rather than later. What would happen if Uglion technology advanced beyond their so-called civilization? “Very well, Over-Minister. I will carefully reconsider my position.”

61.

62. “Excellent! Excellent!” boomed Baslazar. “Now... let us finish breakfast, and I’ll walk with you to the ampitheater. Hmm...you’ve not touched your greeps.”

63.

64. Tiffin poked at the bowl suspiciously. “Well, Over-Minister. I think perhaps they might not have been prepared properly.”

65.

66. “How so?”

67.

68. “They’re moving,” answered Tiffin.

69.

70. “Well of course!” laughed Baslazar. “They’ve been crottled!”

71.

72. --end--

73.

74.

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