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"Meet the King" by sakuragirl

First chapter of a fantasy book. The story of a King, his ladies, sorcerers and magic

Category: Book: 1st Chapter

Tags: story, fiction, book, chapter, king, beggar, magic

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The Hall lay asleep in heavy silence. Its thick stone pillars, like impassible and muted witnesses of forgotten days, guarded the peace of an old man resting in his royal velvet chair. A scarlet mantle covered his weary body and his head rested peacefully in his palm, buried under the golden burden of his crown. The king's forehead was slightly frowned and the quick and short movements underneath his eyelids betrayed inner and ancient struggles. To the left of the throne, on a pile of round pillows thrown on the floor, a shadowy silhouette of a slim woman awaited coiled onto itself. A dark green mantle hid her body and a few coppery locks escaped its hood, blending with the golden steams of the dress.

Commotion at the hall entrance and the sharp sound of swords being drawn jerked the old man awake from his reverie.

"What's going on there?" he rose swiftly from his throne and roared to the men who dared break his restless sleep.

The two guards at the door had crossed their pikes, forbidding a distrustful figure to pass. More soldiers were summoned by the guards alert and were surrounding a hunched man wrapped into a long and heavy dark cloak, pointing their swords at him. One of the guardsmen shot a quick look at his mate, made sure the intruder was well confined into the spiked enclosure and ran to the king. A few steps away from the stone royal stairs, he bowed and kneeled meekly and reported in a murmured voice. 

"My Lord, that beggar says he wants to speak to Your Highness. Says he possesses something of great value to Your Majesty. He is lying, of course." His head still bowed, he crept his knees a few inches back on the granite floor, and waited for his master's reply.

"A beggar?" the king growled in disgust. "Take him away!" he ordered the guard and headed back to his throne to resume his gloomy hibernation.

The turmoil at the front doors subsided. The guard went back at the entrance to fulfill the order and the King laid himself back on his throne, trying to forget such meaningless disturbing episode. His peace was rapidly cut short by a ghostly voice, a low level growl rather whispered than shouted.

"King Yorath!" The voice resonated through the large hall, its vibes bounced back from the pillars and surrounded the king in their death-like embrace. Cold sweat drops formed on his forehead and the sound of that name made him feel like an invisible rake was being dragged on his spine. There were but a handful of people that knew him by that name and only one person whom he allowed to call him this way. But they were all dead, he had made sure of that. And she... it couldn't be her, she was dead too!

King and guards witnessed in motionless trance, one struck by flashbacks of a horrible past and the others mesmerized by thin and barely perceptible vapors flowing from the beggar's cane. They saw the ragged hunchback straighten into a robust man, throw his tattered coat off of his shoulders; he pushed away the puppet-like guards, clearing his way through their barrier and started heading towards the throne. He had his face bowed and covered by his hood and had it not been for the visible translucent hand holding his staff, one would have certainly taken him for a ghost, one of Death's personal messengers. 

His pace was steady, and as he approached the king his staff hitting the floor echoed into a threatening rhythm that startled the gracious Lady sitting near the throne's legs.

"My Lord!" she shrieked, standing up from her makeshift bed and scurried behind the throne, peeping her frightened eyes at the stranger.

The man stopped. His magical clouds were slowly evaporating, allowing the guards behind him to come out of the shock. They started gathering around the man with their swords out, but obediently stepped back as the king himself descended the stairs and signaled them to back off. The stranger bowed his head more and kneeled in a knight-like style, waiting for the king to approach him.

"Speak!" the king ordered, stopping out of reach of the man, his hand clutched on the hilt.

"My Lord..." he began, with a slight tremble in his husky voice "I have come to pay my tribute." 

The king frowned and approached the stranger more, his boldness fostered by the man's new and submissive attitude. The beautiful blonde woman too stepped out of her freezing fear at the sight of the now kneeled threat and came closer to the king.

"A lying treacherous rascal, My Lord" she whispered into the king's ear, making her voice carry to the waiting stranger. Her alluring wavy movements and her gorgeous silhouette gave nothing away of the spiteful and harpy looks she was snarling at the man. 

"We don't need goods from such a scoundrel. Have him taken away, my love." she poured more venomous whispers into the king's ears, slipping her hand under his arm. That move proved to not be to the king's delight and he suddenly turned towards her and grabbed her arm.

"I have told you so many times to mind your own business, Raisa!" he grumbled at her, his fiery eyes sending another wave of fear into the poor woman's veins. "You leave me no choice"

"I beg you Milord, forgive me, I am such a fool. You know I'm not like the others." she starting pleading at the king's feet, to no avail.

"Guard! Remove this woman from my sight!" he ordered and brutally pushed her away.

Two men moved forward from the group that tried to imprison the stranger and each grabbed the distraught woman from one arm. As if she couldn't believe that was happening to her, she let herself completely at their will and they dragged her to one of the darkest corners of the hall, behind the thick columns and into oblivion from her master's grace. 

"Speak, now!" the king commended once more, drawing out his sword and raising the stranger's chin with its tip. 

An ivory perfect face came into the king's sight as the stranger's hood fell on his back. Thin violet lips and nearly transparent gold like eyes slightly shaded by a few black locks, no trace of smile or fear, no emotion transpiring through that creature's look. He stared the king right into his face and slowly slid his hand inside the coat.

"I have brought you the Book Of Lives, King Yorath" he said and handed the king a small book the color of copper, cross tied with a black thick rope.


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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy the chapter. The chapter was okay. I really enjoyed the chapter.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the chapter.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not credible, interesting or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters where somewhat credible, interesting and unique. I partially understand their thoughts, feelings, and actions. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters where credible, interesting and unique. I thoroughly understand their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and started to care about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: The Beginning

The chapter did not introduce a problem. I really don’t want to read the next chapter. The chapter introduces a problem for the protagonist, but I don’t know why it’s important and/or it does not feel like an immediate resolution is needed. I might read the next chapter. The chapter introduced an immediate and important problem for the protagonist. I really want to know what happens in the next chapter.

The first chapter, especially the first sentence, needs to pull a reader into the story and make them crave more.

Category Name: Setting

I don’t know when or where this chapter takes place. The setting was inadequately described or inappropriately used. I know when and where the chapter takes place but I can only vaguely picture it in my mind. The setting did not add to or distract from the chapter. I know when and where the chapter takes place. The setting enhanced the chapter and helped me better understand the characters or plot.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

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Category Name: Dialog

The dialog caused more confusion than clarification about the characters. It was almost impossible to follow. Some of the dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. I could follow the dialog when paying close attention. The dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. The dialog flowed well and was easy to follow.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1. The Hall lay asleep in heavy silence. Its thick stone pillars, like impassible and muted witnesses of forgotten days, guarded the peace of an old man resting in his royal velvet chair. A scarlet mantle covered his weary body and his head rested peacefully in his palm, buried under the golden burden of his crown. The king's forehead was slightly frowned and the quick and short movements underneath his eyelids betrayed inner and ancient struggles. To the left of the throne, on a pile of round pillows thrown on the floor, a shadowy silhouette of a slim woman awaited coiled onto itself. A dark green mantle hid her body and a few coppery locks escaped its hood, blending with the golden steams of the dress.

2. Commotion at the hall entrance and the sharp sound of swords being drawn jerked the old man awake from his reverie.

3. "What's going on there?" he rose swiftly from his throne and roared to the men who dared break his restless sleep.

4. The two guards at the door had crossed their pikes, forbidding a distrustful figure to pass. More soldiers were summoned by the guards alert and were surrounding a hunched man wrapped into a long and heavy dark cloak, pointing their swords at him. One of the guardsmen shot a quick look at his mate, made sure the intruder was well confined into the spiked enclosure and ran to the king. A few steps away from the stone royal stairs, he bowed and kneeled meekly and reported in a murmured voice. 

5. "My Lord, that beggar says he wants to speak to Your Highness. Says he possesses something of great value to Your Majesty. He is lying, of course." His head still bowed, he crept his knees a few inches back on the granite floor, and waited for his master's reply.

6. "A beggar?" the king growled in disgust. "Take him away!" he ordered the guard and headed back to his throne to resume his gloomy hibernation.

7. The turmoil at the front doors subsided. The guard went back at the entrance to fulfill the order and the King laid himself back on his throne, trying to forget such meaningless disturbing episode. His peace was rapidly cut short by a ghostly voice, a low level growl rather whispered than shouted.

8. "King Yorath!" The voice resonated through the large hall, its vibes bounced back from the pillars and surrounded the king in their death-like embrace. Cold sweat drops formed on his forehead and the sound of that name made him feel like an invisible rake was being dragged on his spine. There were but a handful of people that knew him by that name and only one person whom he allowed to call him this way. But they were all dead, he had made sure of that. And she... it couldn't be her, she was dead too!

9. King and guards witnessed in motionless trance, one struck by flashbacks of a horrible past and the others mesmerized by thin and barely perceptible vapors flowing from the beggar's cane. They saw the ragged hunchback straighten into a robust man, throw his tattered coat off of his shoulders; he pushed away the puppet-like guards, clearing his way through their barrier and started heading towards the throne. He had his face bowed and covered by his hood and had it not been for the visible translucent hand holding his staff, one would have certainly taken him for a ghost, one of Death's personal messengers. 

10. His pace was steady, and as he approached the king his staff hitting the floor echoed into a threatening rhythm that startled the gracious Lady sitting near the throne's legs.

11. "My Lord!" she shrieked, standing up from her makeshift bed and scurried behind the throne, peeping her frightened eyes at the stranger.

12. The man stopped. His magical clouds were slowly evaporating, allowing the guards behind him to come out of the shock. They started gathering around the man with their swords out, but obediently stepped back as the king himself descended the stairs and signaled them to back off. The stranger bowed his head more and kneeled in a knight-like style, waiting for the king to approach him.

13. "Speak!" the king ordered, stopping out of reach of the man, his hand clutched on the hilt.

14. "My Lord..." he began, with a slight tremble in his husky voice "I have come to pay my tribute." 

15. The king frowned and approached the stranger more, his boldness fostered by the man's new and submissive attitude. The beautiful blonde woman too stepped out of her freezing fear at the sight of the now kneeled threat and came closer to the king.

16. "A lying treacherous rascal, My Lord" she whispered into the king's ear, making her voice carry to the waiting stranger. Her alluring wavy movements and her gorgeous silhouette gave nothing away of the spiteful and harpy looks she was snarling at the man. 

17. "We don't need goods from such a scoundrel. Have him taken away, my love." she poured more venomous whispers into the king's ears, slipping her hand under his arm. That move proved to not be to the king's delight and he suddenly turned towards her and grabbed her arm.

18. "I have told you so many times to mind your own business, Raisa!" he grumbled at her, his fiery eyes sending another wave of fear into the poor woman's veins. "You leave me no choice"

19. "I beg you Milord, forgive me, I am such a fool. You know I'm not like the others." she starting pleading at the king's feet, to no avail.

20. "Guard! Remove this woman from my sight!" he ordered and brutally pushed her away.

21. Two men moved forward from the group that tried to imprison the stranger and each grabbed the distraught woman from one arm. As if she couldn't believe that was happening to her, she let herself completely at their will and they dragged her to one of the darkest corners of the hall, behind the thick columns and into oblivion from her master's grace. 

22. "Speak, now!" the king commended once more, drawing out his sword and raising the stranger's chin with its tip. 

23. An ivory perfect face came into the king's sight as the stranger's hood fell on his back. Thin violet lips and nearly transparent gold like eyes slightly shaded by a few black locks, no trace of smile or fear, no emotion transpiring through that creature's look. He stared the king right into his face and slowly slid his hand inside the coat.

24. "I have brought you the Book Of Lives, King Yorath" he said and handed the king a small book the color of copper, cross tied with a black thick rope.

25.

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