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"Justice of Nature - Chapters 1 and 2" by SwatFox

It's the first two chapters of a story I'm writing. I think it has too much dialogue and too little detail, personally, but what do you think?

Category: Book: 1st Chapter

Tags: Fantasy Adventure, Fiction, Magic, Magic Realism, Dialogue Heavy

You can do an inline review of this work in the review tab.

Chapter 1

Fury and Failure


"Hero?!" Sen roared, fire and leaves whirling about her feet, scorching the ground. "Six men were slain and you dare call the murderer, the... the monster who did it a 'hero'! How can you say something like that?"

Calmly, with a level voice, the old man answered. "Simple. Those men were killers, themselves. Two dealt Corric. One was a serial, er, 'lover,'" he ended, the euphemism obvious, to all but his youngest audience. "Besides, he's merely seventeen. No one so young can be a monster. Misguided, yes, and perhaps he is, but so far he's done a service to us all."

Sen glared. Her mentor, the current Shaman, Chaym, stared back, a smile in his eyes. He'd been showing some of the clan's kids how to gut a fish before she interrupted, and he wanted to get back to it. The children just cowered a little, since Sen had a reputation for wrath. Chaym laughed a bit, and shoved his knife into the salmon once more. A kid winced, clearly disturbed, but morbidly interested. Sen stormed off, her flames fading instantly.

"And that is how you calm a grumpy maiden," the elder laughed. "...Plus she loves salmon, and she probably saw how much we caught."

"Sen's funny. But scary. But funny," one little kid, Jon said.

"Don't worry, she scares even me, sometimes, the Shaman admitted. This garnered many shocked "Ooooh"s from the little ones.


Sen stomped about in the forest some more. She liked the climate here. Near tropical, but with far less rain than they get up North. She liked the flora here. She liked the fauna here. She even liked the people here. But Sen hated the casuality about death here. They were lauding a murderer as a hero. They considered warriors to be good. The considered knights to be noble, or at least they did in the Capital. Nexus taught that death was unavoidable, but that speeding up the process was unforgivable. Of course, they could hunt, since animal souls went back to the World Sea immediately, but killing humans was just...wrong. Nexus had few commandments, being the goddess of nature, but ending human life broke them.

Worse, people's faith in Nexus was failing. Avenism was gaining followers, and fast. Even in her own clan. Suddenly, the Shaman wasn't the go-to-guy on spiritual matters. A priest of Aveh was, she shuddered to think about it, elected to the council. He was some guy from the Capital, too. He had no buisness in their way of life. In fact, he detested it, but knew that Aveh had enough followers here to set up a Church. That's another thing Sen disliked. Gods aren't confined to anything, much less a building made by men. Nexus was all around her, in the air, the trees, the clouds and the ground.

Sen grabbed her bow, and started loosing arrows on an old, dead tree. It used to house eagles, but recent fires destroyed their nest. Somehow the tree still stood, a symbol of nature's resilience. She just shot at it, raw mana twisting about the arrows, and shot, and shot and shot. Her quiver ran dry quickly. Each time this happened, she cursed, and walked over to retrieve the arrows. Every few rounds a shaft would break, causing even more swearing.

"Careful, when you're mad, parts of the forest seem to ignite for some reason. And always where you are. Wonder why that is," she heard someone sarcastically call out.

"Funny, same thing happens to annoying little kids!" She shouted back at him. She knew it was her friend Felix making fun of her. Felix was about sixteen, almost seventeen, and three or so inches taller than her, putting him at somewhere around 6'2". He had sandy hair and light brown eyes. Sen thought he was pretty cute, but really obnoxious, especially because he had quite a crush on her, and she knew it.

"Yeah...I hear that a lot. People sure love non-sequitors. I mean, they can't mean me," he smiled.

"Of course not, that would make way too much sense for you." She wasn't in the joking mood, which Felix took as a personal challenge. He would make her laugh, unless of course she decided to ignite him.

Felix completely ignored her comment, and asked to join in her hunting treefolk. "Of course, it helps if the quarry is actually, y'know, treefolk and not just a tree," he reminded her. Felix knew quite well that Sen respected the Elder Leaves, the name of the local treefolk tribe, to dare attack one. Sen glared at him, making the kid uneasy.

"Sorry...so what's wrong?" Felix reconsidered his "make her laugh" strategy, as it was likely to fail spectacularly. "You seem...on edge." His expression made it clear that he was trying to put it as lightly as possible.

"What's wrong?!" She exploded. "They're acting like a frickin' murderer is the frickin' Hero of Lesdane. Actually, they both killed tons of people, so..." Sen trailed off, realizing how honorable killing the "enemy" was in society. She hated it. "They're acting like these people aren't killers, like they help people, like they save lives. It's frickin' incredible how hypocritcal the Sages are. They say 'He slew only criminals, men who had slain others. Such justice is rare in the world of today.' What happened to 'All life is sacred'? Isn't that still the Code of the Sages? Were they not chosen by the Shaman for their devotion to all of Nexus's creatures?" Her rant went on about betrayal of the old ways, and how the Sages were meant to lead, not congratulate others on taking action for them. Felix quietly listened, occasionally agreeing or commenting, but mostly just listening, and grabbing her arrows when she ran out. He didn't even bother firing. No time, since Sen loosed about 15 arrows every ten seconds. She wasn't very accurate like this, but she didn't really care.

"So...that's why I'm mad," she quietly concluded, greatly understating her fury. Sen's eyes faded, the glow going away. Felix smiled, happy she opened up, even if it was the most wrathful "sharing time" of which he'd ever been a part.

"Yeah, it's a bad situation. But what are you going to do? I mean, one person can't defeat someone with some much support." Felix was careful not to make it sound like a challenge, but ended up failing.

"Why not? He's one person. I'm one person. ...Not sure how I can stop him short of killing, though. If I murdered someone just to stop their crimes, would I be any better in Nexus's eyes?"

"...Yeah, since he's killed so many people, and is an enemy of nature, and you'll have killed one, and been a hero of nature," Felix always thought the "if you kill him, you're just as bad" argument was stupid. The teen wasn't a big on philosophy, though, so he didn't think about that stuff often. He was more interested in solving practical problems, and actually helping people.

"Maybe, but I dunno. Is one murder any better than however many people that monster's killed?"

"Yeah, yeah it is. One is far less then, um, who knows how many. The point is, Kiin needs to go down," Felix was beggining to get annoyed.

"Y'know, for a biomancer, you're pretty bloodthirsty." Sen was happier than she should have been about this other side of her friend. She'd known him for a long time, but had never seen him like this..

"I heal people, mostly. I think of this as...preventative healing. As in, you'd be healing the wound before it's made. Plus, it's pretty hard to heal dead people, and that seems to be Kiin's form of 'justice.'"


* * *

"What happened to you," Teya asked incredulously. "I mean, I like the black tips, but, uh, your hair was already pretty short. In fact, you look kinda silly. Are you joining the circus? I hear they only take, um, non-murderers." She teased him like that for a few minutes, before finally giving him a chance to explain.

"Well, y'know how I told everyone that Tiger was next?" A nod. "And how everyone told me that was stupid, 'cause he's nuts?" Again she nodded. "Turns out they were completely right. The man is, a nut job. I don't know if he was expecting me, but the door was rigged to blast flame into the next person to come knocking."

"How'd he do that?" Teya'd never heard of a contraption like that, but loved to tinker, so it intrigued her. When she concentrated, squinting her light purple eyes, and allowing her deep blue hair to fall about her shoulders, was when she was happiest. This happened whenever she tried to figure something out, as knowledge was her truest passion.

"No idea, but that's not important. What's important is that he would have killed me then and there, had I not noticed heard a click, and ducked. Then i-" He hated her habit of interrupting him constantly.

"Pfft, the great Kiin is immortal, and we all know it. Unless...that blonde rag you call hair is the source of your power. Is that it, Kiin? Are you Samson?"

"Who? Whatever, it's not. Anyway, as I was saying, it got worse. About three minutes in, the floor caught on fire. Then it spread. I had to run out of the house, just watching it burn. I stayed there for three hours or so, watching to make sure Tiger didn't escape his own death trap. Then I heard a cackle from right behind me. Appar-" Cut off again.

"He was behind you?! Haha, that's awesome. I mean, horrible. Did you die?" Teya grinned, knowing Kiin wouldn't outright say she annoyed him.

"Yeah, but I got better." The black-eyed boy half expected her to believe him. "Anyway, Tiger was behind me. We had a nice chat, trading stories of kills, and whatnot. He apparently used to be like me, but his boss was like a vampire or something, and his girlfriend became the Lady of the Arkanic Lotus. It's all obviously untrue, but still fun to think about. Wow, you didn't interrupt me yet. Nothing to say?"

"I was about to. What's the Arkanic Lotus?"

"An old name for Avenism, apparently. At least he seemed to think it was, but he also thought he was six hundred years old. Which is about as old as he'd have to be to have been around for the founding of Avenism. Incredible who nut jobs can be so detailed in their madness." Kiin honestly wondered how much of his story was true.

"And then you killed him?" Teya asked excitedly.

"Nah, he just...walked off. I mean, I tried to stab him in the throat, but somehow he saw it coming. Then I tried again when he was asleep. He melted my frickin' dirk. Hate that guy."

"Oh Aveh that's funny. Did you get a new one?" I have the worst girlfriend who has ever lived. She thinks my misery is comedy hour. I really loved that blade. Maybe I can use her as a knife. Kiin daydreamed.

"Not yet, but's not really funny. At all...." he sulked.

"Of course it is! Bad things happened to you, how could that not be hilarious?" Teya enjoyed little more than torturing her friend. "Why are you going out with me, again?" She asked, suddenly thinking of how poorly he's treated by her. "Hey, I just thought about something. You said Tiger wouldn't let you kill him, so why not use that one spell? The one you said had a one in a million chance of working, but if it did, could kill anything, without fail?"

"That was oddly specific," Kiin said, a little disturbed. "And I did. It failed. One in a million is REALLY low, Teya."

"Oh, well, it seems those kinds of things always work...At least in the books." Clearly dissapointed, she left the room.

"But I do have good news!" Kiin shouted after her. "I'm now being paid for hunting down and executing criminals. Which means your alchemy has funding again."

The girl's purple eyes lit up. "Sweet, gimme some money, I'm gonna go buy some ingredients."

"Well, since I failed to assassinate Tiger the Mad, I've not yet been paid, per se." He explained.

"Ugh, fine. How long till you get paid, though? My plants aren't ready for the harvest, yet, and it's been a bad year for foxgloves."

"I dunno, who's my next target?"

"Some chick named...uh...Kenna? I think. Your writing is almost impossible to read," she complained.

"Where is she?"

"Uh...is that an A? Yeah, Fearen Clan's...something. No idea what that last word is."

Kiin rolled his eyes, and said, "Oh, Fearen's Resso. That's not too far. I should get paid in a few days, max. Assuming this Kenna goes down easily. What did she do, anyway?"

"I haven't the slightest clue, why don't you try to decipher this...mess."

"Fine, give me the ledger. Uh... vandalism, murder, vandalism, assault, petty theft, and...more vandalism. Huh. It says vandalism four times. She must be quite the vandal."

"Thanks, captian. I never would have guessed. But on a serious note, how in the name of Aveh can you read that?!"

"Please don't abuse the power of Aveh's name." Kiin asked, ignore her jokes.



Chapter 2

People and Papers


"Sorry I'm late, training was particularly tough today," Sen apologized. "Chaym had me run a few extra miles, because I'm his favorite, I guess."

"It's fine. Anyway, Teth, Jore, this is Sen. Anyway, you're three of the first four members of the Fearen...something, haven't decided on a name yet."

"Don't I know you?" The brunette girl, Teth, asked Sen in a soft voice. She had an accent, slightly clipped. "I recognize you. Are you a hunter, or alchemist, or acolyte, or something?"

"Yeah, I'm a Shaman's acolyte." She said proudly, surprised someone almost knew who she was.

"And I'm Jore. Obviously," said the young man. He was at least twenty, maybe a little older, heavyset and dark-skinned. His accent was gruff, probably hailing from the Northern Deserts. "I think we should kill Kiin, personally."

Sen gave Felix a look that said "where did you find this guy." She hated killing. To have a guy like Jore among their miniscule ranks, it would undermine the whole thing.

"No. No killing. Period. Nexus forbids it, and we're here to serve Nexus." Sen told him, firmly, a little nervous to stand up to the huge man, but hiding it well.

"You're here to do that. I'm here to get revenge. Kiin killed my dad, Jotyu. I mean, my father was not a model citizen, and in fact I pretty much hated him, but he didn't deserve to die. Not like that, especially."

"Like what?" Teth asked, trembling slightly.

"He was, er, cuddling with one of his, er, paid lady-friends, and Kiin froze him like that. And I mean literally froze. As in ice. He had to be broken up, to allow the woman to escape, so his soul will take longer to get to Nexus," he explained.

"An eye for an eye just leaves the whole world blind," Sen retorted.

"Fine. He can live, but I'm at least, er, nevermind," he trailed off, noticing that Teth was only about fourteen. "Not in front of the kid. The point is, it won't be pretty."

"As long as he lives," Sen reminded him.

"Anyway, I thi-" Felix tried to change the subject desperately.

"Stop saying 'anyway,' please, that's the third time." Sen asked him. She had an issue with repetition. Her mom said it was reverse compulsion, but Sen didn't really know what that meant.

"Sorry. Anyw-, er, um, whatever. How should we proceed?" Felix asked awkwardly.

"I vote we make me the new leader, since Felix is terrible at it. Sorry," she smiled sarcastically. "All in favor? Who cares, we don't need a leader. What we need is more members, more supplies, more plans, and if possible, supporters in the Capital," Sen could take charge quite well for one who hated authority. Even Jore seemed to be slightly intimidated.

"Yeah. But I was asking how we should do that," Felix said, a little annoyed at her hijacking his meeting.

"Pfft, as if questions ever helped anything. We gain members by spreading the word. We get supplies by buying it, stealing it, or raiding Capital caravans. I'd prefer to keep the latter two to a minimum, but hey, as long as no one gets killed, I'm cool with it. And actually, the Capital has it coming."

"Why's that?" Teth seemed increasingly uncomfortable, beggining to dislike Sen and Jore.

"It's the Capital." She practically spat the words out. "Capital of 'Progress,' of 'Order,' of 'Knowledge,' they say. I say it's the Capital of Degeneration, and Hatred of Nature."

"Oh. Then why do you want Capital support?" She inquired further.

"Because they make the laws, and deal out the punishments. Official support could really help, as much as I hate to say it. Besides, it may get one of us some political power, and then we might be able to overthrow it."

"I don't want to overthrow it. I like the Capital," Jore was far from impressed. He began to crack his knuckles, more a habit than a threat, but it was still unnerving. "Also, how can we take out a caravan without killing? I mean, I'm not exactly sneaky, and a bribe defeats the purpose."

"So we'll hijack when they're asleep, or at a tavern, or something. I'm rather skilled at being unseen." As if to prove her point, Teth seemed to fade. She was still perfectly visible, but the other three had a very hard time focusing on her. "There're more magicks than just Red and Green."

"It's a long way off, anyway. Teth and I are going to try to recruit some more members," whispering to the younger girl "Because we're far less terrifying." That made her laugh a little. He continued, "You two can...go get supplies and money, I guess. And clan support. Sen should be able to do that, being an Acolyte."

"Sounds good. Meet again in a week? If sooner, I'll have Felix tell you guys." Sen concluded, and walked off. She wasn't quite sure what to think of Felix's friends. The one was timid, borderline fearful of the world. The other one, the Northerner, was large and violent. Sen thought she liked him.


The next day, Sen was practicing her bow, hunting wooden deer. It was standard fare, nothing exciting. Afterwards she ran up to the current Shaman, pretending it was just a chance meeting.

"Say, Chaym, how do you feel about that butcher, the one the Capital is drooling over?" Sen asked, failing spectuarly at nonchalance.

"When you put it that way, am I really given an option?" He chuckled. "Well, even if I'm not, I think Kiin has...strong ideas. Stronger will, perhaps."

"So you support him?"

"What you need to know is that I support the clan. My other opinions are mine alone, not to be shared with angry acolytes." The twinkle in his eyes dropped instantly. "By the way, nice job at training today. You know, on the swing." It was back.

"I don't like heights, OK?!" Sen was already beggining to shout.

"Calm down, lass. I was merely teasing. In fact, I spoke with the other Sages. We agreed that you can take the Vision Journey. Not yet, of course. In three weeks, if that's OK with you and your parents."

"Really? Oh thank Nexus that is great!" Sen was jubilant, pumping her fists in the air, jumping about and doing a little jig. She even almost kissed the old man, but cringed at the last second, considering it. "Thank you thank you thank y-"

"That doesn't mean you're the Shaman. It just means you still have a chance, along with five other people. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, but I thought I wasn't going to be allowed to!"

"By the way, it's already been cleared with you're parents, so no need to rush home to tell them. In fact, I think it would be best if you stayed here a little longer. Train up a bit more."

"Sure, whatever, I'll go practice calling on the beasts." That was her own way of saying she'd be summoning as many big creatures as she could before tiring, or needing to refocus mana. She could get up to four trankophants and six wolves, but that really drained her.


Felix helped Teth up the onto the branch, as only one of her hands was free. They were handing out anti-killing fliers, but so far only about four people had taken one. They were climbing up to the tree tower in which the Sages reside.

"Um, sorry if this sounds rude, but Teth is an...unusual name. From where does it originate?" Felix asked, curiosity beating manners.

"It's short for 'Tethinlucaquopezing.' My dad figured Teth would be easier for everyone, but still wanted to honor our ancestry. My mother's not from the clan, you see. She's from Arrio, in the far, far East. Across two seas and an Ocean. Not really sure how she got here, and she refuses to tell me. Anyway, Tethinlucaquo- er, Teth, is the name of her grandmother."

"What kind of person names their kid that?" He asked incredulously, and regretting it at once.

To his relief, she simply laughed. "Well, they don't speak Niyen in Arrio. They speak Fjtoyech. I can speak a little, but not as much as my parents would like... They say my accent's solid, though." Teth seemed to get down thinking of her parents, Felix noticed.

"All right, let's be optimists and leave about five extra fliers here," Felix suggested. "Not like we're in danger of running out."

"Yeah, besides, I could make more," Teth assured him.

"That reminds me, how did you make all of these so quickly?"

"Well, I made one, then cut up about three hundred sheets of paper, using one of those mass cutty-things." Teth struggled to think of the word. "Then I just used a transcription spell to copy it over."

"You know Blue magicks?" Felix was more than a little surprised. There were few sources of Blue mana nearby, and besides, Blue and Black are highly frowned upon by the Sages.

"Yeah, my dad taught me. He says 'Green is great for the others, but we're moving to the Capital someday, might as well practice their magicks.' Don't worry though, I don't think we're really going to move. My mom loves it here." She began to look sad, again.

"Cool. Maybe you could teach me sometime? Not now, of course. Now we should probably go get some lunch, I'm starving," the boy suggested.

"Er, y-you mean as a date?" She stuttered.

"Uh, no, er, yeah. Yeah. You wanna go on a date?" He blushed a little.

"No...I mean, sorry, you're great, but..."

"It's fine, I've been rejected before," he laughed nervously.

"Yeah, well, it's different now. I'm a lesbian..."

"Oh. That's, um, that's cool. Wanna go get lunch as friends then?"

"Hehe, sure." They walked off, not much conversation, as Felix was still pretty surprised. He quickly warmed back up, however, and started jokingly hitting on her. Eventually she shoved him over, and playfully ran ahead a few yards.


After the meeting, Jore went off to his job, cutting wood for Capital construction. He enjoyed it, as little contact with others was necessary, and he got to hit stuff with an axe. Plus it paid his gambling debts. His large gambling debts.

''Ey, Bint, you know when the next Capital caravans are passing by?" He asked, a pretty innocuous question, as that's when the wood was sold. Of course, he had no intent to raid that caravan, but they always came in groups.

"Yeah, in about six days. Not sure if it's gonna be picking up a shipment, though."

Jore nodded thanks, and went back to felling the pines. Clunk. Clunk. Clunk. The sound of his axe soothed him, somehow. A sturdy, strong thing, just like himself, able to be violent, but typically used for peace. Despite his big talk earlier, the man was a total pacifist. He knew they'd never kill Kiin, but wanted to test the girl, Sen. Haha, she thought I was serious. And that younger one seemed downright afraid of me, he thought. Wonder if I should tell her that I abhor violence. Eh, probably not. Too much fun.


* * *

Teya grinned smugly at her boyfriend. They were both going to the capital, Kiin to be "interviewed", while she got to see the sights, learn more about magic and shop for alchemical supplies. With his money. And his interview was really more of an interrogation, seeing if he was dangerous to the general populace.

"Why so happy?" He asked, sounding a bit harsher then he meant to be.

"Because I get to spend all of your money on stuff for my self." She laughed, almost cackled, purely to annoy him.

"Yeah, but I get to...actually, what I have to do sounds really boring." The trip did not excite him like it did for her. He'd been to the Capital many times before. In fact, for the first thirteen years of his life, he'd lived in an Avenian church in the Capital. Teya, on the other hand, had never been, and it sounded like a great experience. She'd often ask him what it's like there, but he rarely gave a satisfying answer. "Thanks for reminding me that I'm spending the day getting quizzed."

"Always happy to hinder." She smiled again, eyes betraying her slightly malicious humor. "You ready to go, slowpoke? We'll miss the carriage."

"Uh, I hired the carriage. That means it waits for us. Besides, I've been ready for the past three days. I've been waiting for you," the young man retorted. Both of those things were true, of course. Truth rarely mattered to Teya, who preferred to believe all that which made her boyfriend seem playfully pathetic.


The actual trip to the Capital City was uneventful, or at least it was as far as Kiin knew. He slept through almost all of it, so if anything interested happened, it was lost to him. Teya seemed to think the most minor thing was eventful, so her summary was a bit too detailed, leading him to believe that he really didn't miss anything.

"OK, I have to go make sure the...uh...Eeton Inn knows who we are then get to my meeting. You can go do whatever. Just be there by...nine or ten o' clock, so you can go right in, before they set up security. Oh, and I have a, er, 'friend' in town if you want to meet him. His name is Koda...Spencer, I think. Nice kid. A little, er, 'different,' but nice. And smart. You should like him, and he's at the Institute of Research, so you're probably heading that way anyway." This wasn't the first time she'd been given the rundown, but at least it was abbridged this time.

"OK, dad. I'll be safe, and watch out for pickpockets, too."


Kiin registered with the Inn and got directions to the Tuvu Weekly building. It was the nation's leading newspaper. Kiin remembered the newspaper from when he lived in the Capital, but Teya'd never heard of it. Thinking of it now, the youth kind of missed it, since they would never deliver it out to his home in Jessin.

He walked for a while, enjoying the city once again. Cobbled streets, and out door lamps. Shops selling all kinds of goods. Churches of Avenism, not just shrines to Nexus. Medical centers, not just babaric healers. After I clean up the country-side, I may have to move here. I'm sure Teya'd like it, too. Oh well, that's a long way off. Regardless of the likely-hood, thoughts like that were pleasing to him.

He noticed the darker parts of the city, too. The occasional drunk, alleys that were unnaturally dark. The stench of too much magic. The noise of a thousand walking people, and shouting merchants. The rudeness of people, bumping into each other, never apologizing. Still, this is pretty nice.

Kiin hesitated outside the door to the building. He was early, according to the clock tower. He had no idea how the contraption worked, but Capital magicks were pretty miraculous. Oh well, better early than late, I suppose. Just as he began to open the heavy, glass-laden door, a man nearly knocked him over.

"Oh, sorry. Going in?" The man asked. He was old, gray haired and balding, but with a smile on his lips and in his eyes. He had a slight stoop and rather small stature anyway, making him seem very short.

"Yeah, I have an interview with a Mister... Johetten? I think is what I was told." Kiin explained, trying to be polite, but in a hurry, and not sure why.

"Oh, hello. Kiin, right? I'm Alex Johetten, but Alex is fine. It's a fine day out, the Sun is shining. Why not go do that in the park?" He asked amiably, but there was a firmness hiding in his tone.

"Sure. Lead the way." Kiin forced himself to smile. Alex was just that kind of guy.


"So, first question. How do you pronounce your name?" The reporter brought an always-inked quill, and a pad of paper to take notes.

This brought out a genuine smile from Kiin. "Kind of a mix between Key-in and K-yuh-in. Faster than the former, slower than the latter. Or whatever feels natural."

"Next question: You realize that killing is against the law?" Serious struck the man's face, removing all of his earlier cheeriness.

"It's not against the law of Aveh to bring people to justice. I only end those who've ended others. The law of men shouldn't apply to divine missions."

"And other than yourself, who is one a divine mission? And what qualifies such a thing?"

"No idea. Aveh doesn't really tell me things, per se. I mean, I understand her will, but I'm not told directly."

"Seems like anyone could claim such a thing."

"They could. But I'm right." He winked.

"Uh huh." Lots of writing. "OK, next question, I lost count, sorry. Have you heard the saying 'an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind'? I ask because you seem to believe that murder should be punished by murder."

"Of course." Another real smile from the youth. "But if everyone's blind, don't we all appear equal?"

"I hope that's rhetorical, as I'm not allowed to answer," the newsman was half joking. "OK, so, you admit to being a murderer, correct?"

"Duh. Er, of course."

"So why not kill yourself?"

"Aveh's work for me isn't done. Besides, suicide is for losers. Or those with serious issues."

"OK. I think that about raps it up. When did you figure out I was a mental analyst?" the old man asked.

"About ten seconds after I was being told I had a forced interview.


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The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

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Category Name: Dialog

The dialog caused more confusion than clarification about the characters. It was almost impossible to follow. Some of the dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. I could follow the dialog when paying close attention. The dialog helped me learn about the characters and revealed new facets of their personalities. The dialog flowed well and was easy to follow.

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Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1. Chapter 1

2. Fury and Failure

3.

4. "Hero?!" Sen roared, fire and leaves whirling about her feet, scorching the ground. "Six men were slain and you dare call the murderer, the... the monster who did it a 'hero'! How can you say something like that?"

5. Calmly, with a level voice, the old man answered. "Simple. Those men were killers, themselves. Two dealt Corric. One was a serial, er, 'lover,'" he ended, the euphemism obvious, to all but his youngest audience. "Besides, he's merely seventeen. No one so young can be a monster. Misguided, yes, and perhaps he is, but so far he's done a service to us all."

6. Sen glared. Her mentor, the current Shaman, Chaym, stared back, a smile in his eyes. He'd been showing some of the clan's kids how to gut a fish before she interrupted, and he wanted to get back to it. The children just cowered a little, since Sen had a reputation for wrath. Chaym laughed a bit, and shoved his knife into the salmon once more. A kid winced, clearly disturbed, but morbidly interested. Sen stormed off, her flames fading instantly.

7. "And that is how you calm a grumpy maiden," the elder laughed. "...Plus she loves salmon, and she probably saw how much we caught."

8. "Sen's funny. But scary. But funny," one little kid, Jon said.

9. "Don't worry, she scares even me, sometimes, the Shaman admitted. This garnered many shocked "Ooooh"s from the little ones.

10.

11. Sen stomped about in the forest some more. She liked the climate here. Near tropical, but with far less rain than they get up North. She liked the flora here. She liked the fauna here. She even liked the people here. But Sen hated the casuality about death here. They were lauding a murderer as a hero. They considered warriors to be good. The considered knights to be noble, or at least they did in the Capital. Nexus taught that death was unavoidable, but that speeding up the process was unforgivable. Of course, they could hunt, since animal souls went back to the World Sea immediately, but killing humans was just...wrong. Nexus had few commandments, being the goddess of nature, but ending human life broke them.

12. Worse, people's faith in Nexus was failing. Avenism was gaining followers, and fast. Even in her own clan. Suddenly, the Shaman wasn't the go-to-guy on spiritual matters. A priest of Aveh was, she shuddered to think about it, elected to the council. He was some guy from the Capital, too. He had no buisness in their way of life. In fact, he detested it, but knew that Aveh had enough followers here to set up a Church. That's another thing Sen disliked. Gods aren't confined to anything, much less a building made by men. Nexus was all around her, in the air, the trees, the clouds and the ground.

13. Sen grabbed her bow, and started loosing arrows on an old, dead tree. It used to house eagles, but recent fires destroyed their nest. Somehow the tree still stood, a symbol of nature's resilience. She just shot at it, raw mana twisting about the arrows, and shot, and shot and shot. Her quiver ran dry quickly. Each time this happened, she cursed, and walked over to retrieve the arrows. Every few rounds a shaft would break, causing even more swearing.

14. "Careful, when you're mad, parts of the forest seem to ignite for some reason. And always where you are. Wonder why that is," she heard someone sarcastically call out.

15. "Funny, same thing happens to annoying little kids!" She shouted back at him. She knew it was her friend Felix making fun of her. Felix was about sixteen, almost seventeen, and three or so inches taller than her, putting him at somewhere around 6'2". He had sandy hair and light brown eyes. Sen thought he was pretty cute, but really obnoxious, especially because he had quite a crush on her, and she knew it.

16. "Yeah...I hear that a lot. People sure love non-sequitors. I mean, they can't mean me," he smiled.

17. "Of course not, that would make way too much sense for you." She wasn't in the joking mood, which Felix took as a personal challenge. He would make her laugh, unless of course she decided to ignite him.

18. Felix completely ignored her comment, and asked to join in her hunting treefolk. "Of course, it helps if the quarry is actually, y'know, treefolk and not just a tree," he reminded her. Felix knew quite well that Sen respected the Elder Leaves, the name of the local treefolk tribe, to dare attack one. Sen glared at him, making the kid uneasy.

19. "Sorry...so what's wrong?" Felix reconsidered his "make her laugh" strategy, as it was likely to fail spectacularly. "You seem...on edge." His expression made it clear that he was trying to put it as lightly as possible.

20. "What's wrong?!" She exploded. "They're acting like a frickin' murderer is the frickin' Hero of Lesdane. Actually, they both killed tons of people, so..." Sen trailed off, realizing how honorable killing the "enemy" was in society. She hated it. "They're acting like these people aren't killers, like they help people, like they save lives. It's frickin' incredible how hypocritcal the Sages are. They say 'He slew only criminals, men who had slain others. Such justice is rare in the world of today.' What happened to 'All life is sacred'? Isn't that still the Code of the Sages? Were they not chosen by the Shaman for their devotion to all of Nexus's creatures?" Her rant went on about betrayal of the old ways, and how the Sages were meant to lead, not congratulate others on taking action for them. Felix quietly listened, occasionally agreeing or commenting, but mostly just listening, and grabbing her arrows when she ran out. He didn't even bother firing. No time, since Sen loosed about 15 arrows every ten seconds. She wasn't very accurate like this, but she didn't really care.

21. "So...that's why I'm mad," she quietly concluded, greatly understating her fury. Sen's eyes faded, the glow going away. Felix smiled, happy she opened up, even if it was the most wrathful "sharing time" of which he'd ever been a part.

22. "Yeah, it's a bad situation. But what are you going to do? I mean, one person can't defeat someone with some much support." Felix was careful not to make it sound like a challenge, but ended up failing.

23. "Why not? He's one person. I'm one person. ...Not sure how I can stop him short of killing, though. If I murdered someone just to stop their crimes, would I be any better in Nexus's eyes?"

24. "...Yeah, since he's killed so many people, and is an enemy of nature, and you'll have killed one, and been a hero of nature," Felix always thought the "if you kill him, you're just as bad" argument was stupid. The teen wasn't a big on philosophy, though, so he didn't think about that stuff often. He was more interested in solving practical problems, and actually helping people.

25. "Maybe, but I dunno. Is one murder any better than however many people that monster's killed?"

26. "Yeah, yeah it is. One is far less then, um, who knows how many. The point is, Kiin needs to go down," Felix was beggining to get annoyed.

27. "Y'know, for a biomancer, you're pretty bloodthirsty." Sen was happier than she should have been about this other side of her friend. She'd known him for a long time, but had never seen him like this..

28. "I heal people, mostly. I think of this as...preventative healing. As in, you'd be healing the wound before it's made. Plus, it's pretty hard to heal dead people, and that seems to be Kiin's form of 'justice.'"

29.

30. * * *

31. "What happened to you," Teya asked incredulously. "I mean, I like the black tips, but, uh, your hair was already pretty short. In fact, you look kinda silly. Are you joining the circus? I hear they only take, um, non-murderers." She teased him like that for a few minutes, before finally giving him a chance to explain.

32. "Well, y'know how I told everyone that Tiger was next?" A nod. "And how everyone told me that was stupid, 'cause he's nuts?" Again she nodded. "Turns out they were completely right. The man is, a nut job. I don't know if he was expecting me, but the door was rigged to blast flame into the next person to come knocking."

33. "How'd he do that?" Teya'd never heard of a contraption like that, but loved to tinker, so it intrigued her. When she concentrated, squinting her light purple eyes, and allowing her deep blue hair to fall about her shoulders, was when she was happiest. This happened whenever she tried to figure something out, as knowledge was her truest passion.

34. "No idea, but that's not important. What's important is that he would have killed me then and there, had I not noticed heard a click, and ducked. Then i-" He hated her habit of interrupting him constantly.

35. "Pfft, the great Kiin is immortal, and we all know it. Unless...that blonde rag you call hair is the source of your power. Is that it, Kiin? Are you Samson?"

36. "Who? Whatever, it's not. Anyway, as I was saying, it got worse. About three minutes in, the floor caught on fire. Then it spread. I had to run out of the house, just watching it burn. I stayed there for three hours or so, watching to make sure Tiger didn't escape his own death trap. Then I heard a cackle from right behind me. Appar-" Cut off again.

37. "He was behind you?! Haha, that's awesome. I mean, horrible. Did you die?" Teya grinned, knowing Kiin wouldn't outright say she annoyed him.

38. "Yeah, but I got better." The black-eyed boy half expected her to believe him. "Anyway, Tiger was behind me. We had a nice chat, trading stories of kills, and whatnot. He apparently used to be like me, but his boss was like a vampire or something, and his girlfriend became the Lady of the Arkanic Lotus. It's all obviously untrue, but still fun to think about. Wow, you didn't interrupt me yet. Nothing to say?"

39. "I was about to. What's the Arkanic Lotus?"

40. "An old name for Avenism, apparently. At least he seemed to think it was, but he also thought he was six hundred years old. Which is about as old as he'd have to be to have been around for the founding of Avenism. Incredible who nut jobs can be so detailed in their madness." Kiin honestly wondered how much of his story was true.

41. "And then you killed him?" Teya asked excitedly.

42. "Nah, he just...walked off. I mean, I tried to stab him in the throat, but somehow he saw it coming. Then I tried again when he was asleep. He melted my frickin' dirk. Hate that guy."

43. "Oh Aveh that's funny. Did you get a new one?" I have the worst girlfriend who has ever lived. She thinks my misery is comedy hour. I really loved that blade. Maybe I can use her as a knife. Kiin daydreamed.

44. "Not yet, but's not really funny. At all...." he sulked.

45. "Of course it is! Bad things happened to you, how could that not be hilarious?" Teya enjoyed little more than torturing her friend. "Why are you going out with me, again?" She asked, suddenly thinking of how poorly he's treated by her. "Hey, I just thought about something. You said Tiger wouldn't let you kill him, so why not use that one spell? The one you said had a one in a million chance of working, but if it did, could kill anything, without fail?"

46. "That was oddly specific," Kiin said, a little disturbed. "And I did. It failed. One in a million is REALLY low, Teya."

47. "Oh, well, it seems those kinds of things always work...At least in the books." Clearly dissapointed, she left the room.

48. "But I do have good news!" Kiin shouted after her. "I'm now being paid for hunting down and executing criminals. Which means your alchemy has funding again."

49. The girl's purple eyes lit up. "Sweet, gimme some money, I'm gonna go buy some ingredients."

50. "Well, since I failed to assassinate Tiger the Mad, I've not yet been paid, per se." He explained.

51. "Ugh, fine. How long till you get paid, though? My plants aren't ready for the harvest, yet, and it's been a bad year for foxgloves."

52. "I dunno, who's my next target?"

53. "Some chick named...uh...Kenna? I think. Your writing is almost impossible to read," she complained.

54. "Where is she?"

55. "Uh...is that an A? Yeah, Fearen Clan's...something. No idea what that last word is."

56. Kiin rolled his eyes, and said, "Oh, Fearen's Resso. That's not too far. I should get paid in a few days, max. Assuming this Kenna goes down easily. What did she do, anyway?"

57. "I haven't the slightest clue, why don't you try to decipher this...mess."

58. "Fine, give me the ledger. Uh... vandalism, murder, vandalism, assault, petty theft, and...more vandalism. Huh. It says vandalism four times. She must be quite the vandal."

59. "Thanks, captian. I never would have guessed. But on a serious note, how in the name of Aveh can you read that?!"

60. "Please don't abuse the power of Aveh's name." Kiin asked, ignore her jokes.

61.

62.

63. Chapter 2

64. People and Papers

65.

66. "Sorry I'm late, training was particularly tough today," Sen apologized. "Chaym had me run a few extra miles, because I'm his favorite, I guess."

67. "It's fine. Anyway, Teth, Jore, this is Sen. Anyway, you're three of the first four members of the Fearen...something, haven't decided on a name yet."

68. "Don't I know you?" The brunette girl, Teth, asked Sen in a soft voice. She had an accent, slightly clipped. "I recognize you. Are you a hunter, or alchemist, or acolyte, or something?"

69. "Yeah, I'm a Shaman's acolyte." She said proudly, surprised someone almost knew who she was.

70. "And I'm Jore. Obviously," said the young man. He was at least twenty, maybe a little older, heavyset and dark-skinned. His accent was gruff, probably hailing from the Northern Deserts. "I think we should kill Kiin, personally."

71. Sen gave Felix a look that said "where did you find this guy." She hated killing. To have a guy like Jore among their miniscule ranks, it would undermine the whole thing.

72. "No. No killing. Period. Nexus forbids it, and we're here to serve Nexus." Sen told him, firmly, a little nervous to stand up to the huge man, but hiding it well.

73. "You're here to do that. I'm here to get revenge. Kiin killed my dad, Jotyu. I mean, my father was not a model citizen, and in fact I pretty much hated him, but he didn't deserve to die. Not like that, especially."

74. "Like what?" Teth asked, trembling slightly.

75. "He was, er, cuddling with one of his, er, paid lady-friends, and Kiin froze him like that. And I mean literally froze. As in ice. He had to be broken up, to allow the woman to escape, so his soul will take longer to get to Nexus," he explained.

76. "An eye for an eye just leaves the whole world blind," Sen retorted.

77. "Fine. He can live, but I'm at least, er, nevermind," he trailed off, noticing that Teth was only about fourteen. "Not in front of the kid. The point is, it won't be pretty."

78. "As long as he lives," Sen reminded him.

79. "Anyway, I thi-" Felix tried to change the subject desperately.

80. "Stop saying 'anyway,' please, that's the third time." Sen asked him. She had an issue with repetition. Her mom said it was reverse compulsion, but Sen didn't really know what that meant.

81. "Sorry. Anyw-, er, um, whatever. How should we proceed?" Felix asked awkwardly.

82. "I vote we make me the new leader, since Felix is terrible at it. Sorry," she smiled sarcastically. "All in favor? Who cares, we don't need a leader. What we need is more members, more supplies, more plans, and if possible, supporters in the Capital," Sen could take charge quite well for one who hated authority. Even Jore seemed to be slightly intimidated.

83. "Yeah. But I was asking how we should do that," Felix said, a little annoyed at her hijacking his meeting.

84. "Pfft, as if questions ever helped anything. We gain members by spreading the word. We get supplies by buying it, stealing it, or raiding Capital caravans. I'd prefer to keep the latter two to a minimum, but hey, as long as no one gets killed, I'm cool with it. And actually, the Capital has it coming."

85. "Why's that?" Teth seemed increasingly uncomfortable, beggining to dislike Sen and Jore.

86. "It's the Capital." She practically spat the words out. "Capital of 'Progress,' of 'Order,' of 'Knowledge,' they say. I say it's the Capital of Degeneration, and Hatred of Nature."

87. "Oh. Then why do you want Capital support?" She inquired further.

88. "Because they make the laws, and deal out the punishments. Official support could really help, as much as I hate to say it. Besides, it may get one of us some political power, and then we might be able to overthrow it."

89. "I don't want to overthrow it. I like the Capital," Jore was far from impressed. He began to crack his knuckles, more a habit than a threat, but it was still unnerving. "Also, how can we take out a caravan without killing? I mean, I'm not exactly sneaky, and a bribe defeats the purpose."

90. "So we'll hijack when they're asleep, or at a tavern, or something. I'm rather skilled at being unseen." As if to prove her point, Teth seemed to fade. She was still perfectly visible, but the other three had a very hard time focusing on her. "There're more magicks than just Red and Green."

91. "It's a long way off, anyway. Teth and I are going to try to recruit some more members," whispering to the younger girl "Because we're far less terrifying." That made her laugh a little. He continued, "You two can...go get supplies and money, I guess. And clan support. Sen should be able to do that, being an Acolyte."

92. "Sounds good. Meet again in a week? If sooner, I'll have Felix tell you guys." Sen concluded, and walked off. She wasn't quite sure what to think of Felix's friends. The one was timid, borderline fearful of the world. The other one, the Northerner, was large and violent. Sen thought she liked him.

93.

94. The next day, Sen was practicing her bow, hunting wooden deer. It was standard fare, nothing exciting. Afterwards she ran up to the current Shaman, pretending it was just a chance meeting.

95. "Say, Chaym, how do you feel about that butcher, the one the Capital is drooling over?" Sen asked, failing spectuarly at nonchalance.

96. "When you put it that way, am I really given an option?" He chuckled. "Well, even if I'm not, I think Kiin has...strong ideas. Stronger will, perhaps."

97. "So you support him?"

98. "What you need to know is that I support the clan. My other opinions are mine alone, not to be shared with angry acolytes." The twinkle in his eyes dropped instantly. "By the way, nice job at training today. You know, on the swing." It was back.

99. "I don't like heights, OK?!" Sen was already beggining to shout.

100. "Calm down, lass. I was merely teasing. In fact, I spoke with the other Sages. We agreed that you can take the Vision Journey. Not yet, of course. In three weeks, if that's OK with you and your parents."

101. "Really? Oh thank Nexus that is great!" Sen was jubilant, pumping her fists in the air, jumping about and doing a little jig. She even almost kissed the old man, but cringed at the last second, considering it. "Thank you thank you thank y-"

102. "That doesn't mean you're the Shaman. It just means you still have a chance, along with five other people. You know that, right?"

103. "Yeah, but I thought I wasn't going to be allowed to!"

104. "By the way, it's already been cleared with you're parents, so no need to rush home to tell them. In fact, I think it would be best if you stayed here a little longer. Train up a bit more."

105. "Sure, whatever, I'll go practice calling on the beasts." That was her own way of saying she'd be summoning as many big creatures as she could before tiring, or needing to refocus mana. She could get up to four trankophants and six wolves, but that really drained her.

106.

107. Felix helped Teth up the onto the branch, as only one of her hands was free. They were handing out anti-killing fliers, but so far only about four people had taken one. They were climbing up to the tree tower in which the Sages reside.

108. "Um, sorry if this sounds rude, but Teth is an...unusual name. From where does it originate?" Felix asked, curiosity beating manners.

109. "It's short for 'Tethinlucaquopezing.' My dad figured Teth would be easier for everyone, but still wanted to honor our ancestry. My mother's not from the clan, you see. She's from Arrio, in the far, far East. Across two seas and an Ocean. Not really sure how she got here, and she refuses to tell me. Anyway, Tethinlucaquo- er, Teth, is the name of her grandmother."

110. "What kind of person names their kid that?" He asked incredulously, and regretting it at once.

111. To his relief, she simply laughed. "Well, they don't speak Niyen in Arrio. They speak Fjtoyech. I can speak a little, but not as much as my parents would like... They say my accent's solid, though." Teth seemed to get down thinking of her parents, Felix noticed.

112. "All right, let's be optimists and leave about five extra fliers here," Felix suggested. "Not like we're in danger of running out."

113. "Yeah, besides, I could make more," Teth assured him.

114. "That reminds me, how did you make all of these so quickly?"

115. "Well, I made one, then cut up about three hundred sheets of paper, using one of those mass cutty-things." Teth struggled to think of the word. "Then I just used a transcription spell to copy it over."

116. "You know Blue magicks?" Felix was more than a little surprised. There were few sources of Blue mana nearby, and besides, Blue and Black are highly frowned upon by the Sages.

117. "Yeah, my dad taught me. He says 'Green is great for the others, but we're moving to the Capital someday, might as well practice their magicks.' Don't worry though, I don't think we're really going to move. My mom loves it here." She began to look sad, again.

118. "Cool. Maybe you could teach me sometime? Not now, of course. Now we should probably go get some lunch, I'm starving," the boy suggested.

119. "Er, y-you mean as a date?" She stuttered.

120. "Uh, no, er, yeah. Yeah. You wanna go on a date?" He blushed a little.

121. "No...I mean, sorry, you're great, but..."

122. "It's fine, I've been rejected before," he laughed nervously.

123. "Yeah, well, it's different now. I'm a lesbian..."

124. "Oh. That's, um, that's cool. Wanna go get lunch as friends then?"

125. "Hehe, sure." They walked off, not much conversation, as Felix was still pretty surprised. He quickly warmed back up, however, and started jokingly hitting on her. Eventually she shoved him over, and playfully ran ahead a few yards.

126.

127. After the meeting, Jore went off to his job, cutting wood for Capital construction. He enjoyed it, as little contact with others was necessary, and he got to hit stuff with an axe. Plus it paid his gambling debts. His large gambling debts.

128. ''Ey, Bint, you know when the next Capital caravans are passing by?" He asked, a pretty innocuous question, as that's when the wood was sold. Of course, he had no intent to raid that caravan, but they always came in groups.

129. "Yeah, in about six days. Not sure if it's gonna be picking up a shipment, though."

130. Jore nodded thanks, and went back to felling the pines. Clunk. Clunk. Clunk. The sound of his axe soothed him, somehow. A sturdy, strong thing, just like himself, able to be violent, but typically used for peace. Despite his big talk earlier, the man was a total pacifist. He knew they'd never kill Kiin, but wanted to test the girl, Sen. Haha, she thought I was serious. And that younger one seemed downright afraid of me, he thought. Wonder if I should tell her that I abhor violence. Eh, probably not. Too much fun.

131.

132. * * *

133. Teya grinned smugly at her boyfriend. They were both going to the capital, Kiin to be "interviewed", while she got to see the sights, learn more about magic and shop for alchemical supplies. With his money. And his interview was really more of an interrogation, seeing if he was dangerous to the general populace.

134. "Why so happy?" He asked, sounding a bit harsher then he meant to be.

135. "Because I get to spend all of your money on stuff for my self." She laughed, almost cackled, purely to annoy him.

136. "Yeah, but I get to...actually, what I have to do sounds really boring." The trip did not excite him like it did for her. He'd been to the Capital many times before. In fact, for the first thirteen years of his life, he'd lived in an Avenian church in the Capital. Teya, on the other hand, had never been, and it sounded like a great experience. She'd often ask him what it's like there, but he rarely gave a satisfying answer. "Thanks for reminding me that I'm spending the day getting quizzed."

137. "Always happy to hinder." She smiled again, eyes betraying her slightly malicious humor. "You ready to go, slowpoke? We'll miss the carriage."

138. "Uh, I hired the carriage. That means it waits for us. Besides, I've been ready for the past three days. I've been waiting for you," the young man retorted. Both of those things were true, of course. Truth rarely mattered to Teya, who preferred to believe all that which made her boyfriend seem playfully pathetic.

139.

140. The actual trip to the Capital City was uneventful, or at least it was as far as Kiin knew. He slept through almost all of it, so if anything interested happened, it was lost to him. Teya seemed to think the most minor thing was eventful, so her summary was a bit too detailed, leading him to believe that he really didn't miss anything.

141. "OK, I have to go make sure the...uh...Eeton Inn knows who we are then get to my meeting. You can go do whatever. Just be there by...nine or ten o' clock, so you can go right in, before they set up security. Oh, and I have a, er, 'friend' in town if you want to meet him. His name is Koda...Spencer, I think. Nice kid. A little, er, 'different,' but nice. And smart. You should like him, and he's at the Institute of Research, so you're probably heading that way anyway." This wasn't the first time she'd been given the rundown, but at least it was abbridged this time.

142. "OK, dad. I'll be safe, and watch out for pickpockets, too."

143.

144. Kiin registered with the Inn and got directions to the Tuvu Weekly building. It was the nation's leading newspaper. Kiin remembered the newspaper from when he lived in the Capital, but Teya'd never heard of it. Thinking of it now, the youth kind of missed it, since they would never deliver it out to his home in Jessin.

145. He walked for a while, enjoying the city once again. Cobbled streets, and out door lamps. Shops selling all kinds of goods. Churches of Avenism, not just shrines to Nexus. Medical centers, not just babaric healers. After I clean up the country-side, I may have to move here. I'm sure Teya'd like it, too. Oh well, that's a long way off. Regardless of the likely-hood, thoughts like that were pleasing to him.

146. He noticed the darker parts of the city, too. The occasional drunk, alleys that were unnaturally dark. The stench of too much magic. The noise of a thousand walking people, and shouting merchants. The rudeness of people, bumping into each other, never apologizing. Still, this is pretty nice.

147. Kiin hesitated outside the door to the building. He was early, according to the clock tower. He had no idea how the contraption worked, but Capital magicks were pretty miraculous. Oh well, better early than late, I suppose. Just as he began to open the heavy, glass-laden door, a man nearly knocked him over.

148. "Oh, sorry. Going in?" The man asked. He was old, gray haired and balding, but with a smile on his lips and in his eyes. He had a slight stoop and rather small stature anyway, making him seem very short.

149. "Yeah, I have an interview with a Mister... Johetten? I think is what I was told." Kiin explained, trying to be polite, but in a hurry, and not sure why.

150. "Oh, hello. Kiin, right? I'm Alex Johetten, but Alex is fine. It's a fine day out, the Sun is shining. Why not go do that in the park?" He asked amiably, but there was a firmness hiding in his tone.

151. "Sure. Lead the way." Kiin forced himself to smile. Alex was just that kind of guy.

152.

153. "So, first question. How do you pronounce your name?" The reporter brought an always-inked quill, and a pad of paper to take notes.

154. This brought out a genuine smile from Kiin. "Kind of a mix between Key-in and K-yuh-in. Faster than the former, slower than the latter. Or whatever feels natural."

155. "Next question: You realize that killing is against the law?" Serious struck the man's face, removing all of his earlier cheeriness.

156. "It's not against the law of Aveh to bring people to justice. I only end those who've ended others. The law of men shouldn't apply to divine missions."

157. "And other than yourself, who is one a divine mission? And what qualifies such a thing?"

158. "No idea. Aveh doesn't really tell me things, per se. I mean, I understand her will, but I'm not told directly."

159. "Seems like anyone could claim such a thing."

160. "They could. But I'm right." He winked.

161. "Uh huh." Lots of writing. "OK, next question, I lost count, sorry. Have you heard the saying 'an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind'? I ask because you seem to believe that murder should be punished by murder."

162. "Of course." Another real smile from the youth. "But if everyone's blind, don't we all appear equal?"

163. "I hope that's rhetorical, as I'm not allowed to answer," the newsman was half joking. "OK, so, you admit to being a murderer, correct?"

164. "Duh. Er, of course."

165. "So why not kill yourself?"

166. "Aveh's work for me isn't done. Besides, suicide is for losers. Or those with serious issues."

167. "OK. I think that about raps it up. When did you figure out I was a mental analyst?" the old man asked.

168. "About ten seconds after I was being told I had a forced interview.

169.

Reviews that have been completed within the last 30 days

  • See the full page version of this review pjwizz - May 13, 2012

    (7 stars) more »

    I love fantasy. I think this writer could be great if setting was explained.

    (7 stars) more »

    Character development was your strong suit.

    (6 stars) more »

    The scene needed to be set. If so the chapter would have been excellent

    (4 stars) more »

    Needs the setting. Will be great with setting.

    (3 stars) more »

    Not much

    (10 stars) more »

    Writer is strong in this subject

  • See the full page version of this review hannabanana14 - Feb 04, 2012

    (7 stars) more »

    I do agree... There is way to much dialogue and personally I love details, so you defiantley need more! But the story itself was good. it had a good concept that was easy to keep up with and I enjoyed it.

    P.S. It seemed the story itself was written through dialoge becasue almost every paragraph was dialogue. No paracgraphs that explained descriptions of places or character development through non-verbal communication.

    (7 stars) more »

    Again, the charcters were ok. But I only knew them through their dialogue. Not through you describing that their hair was short and blue or something like that.

    (8 stars) more »

    It was a good beginning, hooking, but could have used some details instead of right away dialogue.

    (7 stars) more »

    I knew kind of where it was, but more details about what the setting looked like, maybe smelled like would be better and make the story seem real.

    (10 stars) more »

    I rarely found ANY!

    (8 stars) more »

    The dialogue was the best. I mena I'm not a fan of dialogue. But it was flowy and realistic. Just cut it in hlaf or more. Becasue it over powers the story itself.