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"Give That Girl A Hand" by horizonattack

Sometimes when a girl needs a hand, she gets a little bit more than she bargained for!

Category: Short Story

Tags: Horror

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   The rain fell down in heavy sheets as Jennifer stood by the side of the road, her whole life in front of her and already running away. A huge argument with her mom, she packed herself up in one small bag and headed out the door. It didn’t really matter what the argument was, they were basically all the same. It was a battle of wills, she was bound and determined to be independent and her mom was diametrically opposed to her new found freedom. So, here she stood on the side of the road, in the pouring rain and trying to find enough courage to lift up her thumb. Hitchhiking scared the hell out of her and she had visions of what could happen to a pretty young girl like herself.

  She spoke out loud to the deserted highway as if half expecting some divine intervention, “Please, please……I really need some help here. What the hell should I do? I can’t just go home, I have to prove to my mom that I can survive on my own”,   she prayed out loud to no one in particular.

  And, suddenly, like the hand of God had just reached down from on high, a sleek, red Camaro zoomed around the bend and into view. It had to be fate, it had to be that same divine intervention she had pleaded for moments before. Jennifer moved towards the road and raised her thumb high. As she did, she focused her attention on the face of the driver that was fast approaching. Even before his car rolled to a stop, they had met eyes and made a connection. This guy was hot! He had short blonde hair, blue eyes that penetrated her mind and a body that was cut from stone.

  He pulled the car in close and rolled down the window. “Hi, my name is Mike, and yours?” he said leaning back in his seat to avoid the rain.

  “I’m Jen.” , she said with her best smile.  “Im just hoping to get the hell out of this rainstorm. Could you give me a ride to anywhere?”

  Mike stared at her for what seemed like minutes and finally said, “A wet girl on the road to nowhere? *****, it’s my lucky day! Hop in and Ill drive you wherever you want to go!”

  She climbed in and buckled up as Mike continued the conversation he had started a few minutes before.” So Jen, what’s a hot girl like you doing out on the highway on a nasty night like this? Did your boyfriend dump you or something?”

  Jen didn’t answer immediately, she knew she couldn’t really tell this hunk of a guy that she had a fight with her mommy. She had never been with a guy before, never even really had a boyfriend but that seemed like the logical direction to head. “Yeah, he is a real *****. He dumped me because I was sick of him doing drugs.” she lied. “All he ever wanted to do was get high. Can you imagine that? A pretty girl like me and he didn’t even give me the time of day!.”

  The car rolled down the highway to nowhere and an awkward silence fell between the two. She was wet, cold and shivering and he was intently looking at the road. Mike reached over to turn the radio on and Jen drew back toward the door in a defensive move.

 “Take it easy, chick, its not like Im a killer or anything,  Im just turning on some tunes. What kind of music do you dig?”

  Jen felt immediately stupid for her reaction and smiled a shamed smile while telling Mike to turn on some rock n roll. He grabbed the radio dial and started his search. He found country music, soul, pop, and even some talk radio station where they were talking about the finer points of shaving a dog. But there was no rock n roll to be found!

  “Don’t worry Jen, Ive got a great mix cd of rock n roll songs around here somewhere” Mike said with a smile. His smile was music in itself to her, she had never felt so attracted to a guy in her life. The top part of her body was wet and cold with rain but the bottom portion was wet and hot with excitement. She focused on Mike as they rolled down the road and he searched for the cd. He reached behind him and she watched as his arm muscles flexed and contracted. He was definitely a man to behold. He reached down between the seats but he came up only with the stare of that 16 year old girl sitting right next to him. She was mesmerized and he was damned and determined to find that cd!

 Finally it dawned on him, the cd he was searching for was probably in the glove box. “Jen”, he said smugly and satisfied with himself, “Would you mind looking in the glove box? I do believe the cd is in there.”

  She reached out and opened the glove box in one swift move. As if spring loaded, the top item inside the glove box shot out and fell to the floor. Jen looked down at the floor and the horror of it all swept over her like cold air released into a warm shower room. She stared down at a bloody,  severed hand of a female that had moments before been stuffed into the glove box. The reality of her fate swept over her like a huge grey cloud blotting out the sun.

  The killing didn’t take long, the chopping of the body took a bit longer. It was a bloody and gory scene but in due time the deed was done. The newly severed hand was retrieved, a ring was forcefully removed and pocketed and the hand was placed inside the glove box in waiting for the next victim. The car was given a spit shine inside and out and it was back on the road with one less life along for the ride. 

  The rain had subsided and sunlight cracked the sky of clouds as the red Camaro sped back toward town. And, there on the side of the road, in the same place Jennifer had stood hours before, was another victim waiting to be had. She was young, looked to be mighty sweet and definitely ripe for the picking. The car pulled alongside and the young girl peered in.

  “Hey”, she said. “Im only looking to make it back in town. Think you can give me a ride?”

   “It would be my pleasure!” Jennifer said through a killer’s smile. “Im always up to giving a young girl a hand!”         

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Category Name: My Thoughts

I did not enjoy this story. I am not even sure what problem the protagonist faced. This story was okay. The story would have been better if the author had introduced the problem differently and made it feel more pressing. I really enjoyed this story. The author did a good job pulling me into the story by introducing an immediate and important problem for the protagonist.

This section is for overall comments and general ideas. The score should reflect how much you enjoyed the story.

Category Name: Character Development

The characters were not dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable or unique. I don’t care about or understand the characters because they were poorly developed. The characters were somewhat dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I partially understood the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the characters. I somewhat connected with and care about the characters. The characters were very dynamic, credible, interesting, memorable and unique. I thoroughly understood their thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt connected with and cared about the characters.

This is act of bringing a character to life on the page. It is a combination of the author’s description of the character and the character’s dialog, action, and thoughts. Though all characters should be believable, the protagonist and antagonist are usually the most developed characters.

Category Name: Plot

I finished reading the story so the plot must have unfolded, but I am not sure what the plot was. The characters did not achieve or grow by solving the problems they faced in this story. There were definite wrinkles in the way the plot unfolded leading to the final conflict. The plot was loosely tied to the achievement and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame some of the problems flowed unnaturally with the story. I could see the plot unfolding through a series of escalating problems that lead to the final conflict. The plot helped me understand the achievements and growth of the characters. The way the protagonist overcame the problems flowed naturally with the st

In fiction a plot is all the events in a story, particularly rendered towards the achievement of some particular artistic or emotional effect. In other words it's what mostly happened in the story. The plot draws the reader into the character's lives and helps the reader understand the choices that the characters make.

Category Name: Dialog

The dialog seemed like cold words on paper. I had a hard time following it. I didn’t learn very much about the characters through the dialog. Through the dialog I could sometimes see the characters learn and grow while occasionally discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was generally consistent with the character. Through the dialog I could see the characters learn and grow while simultaneously discovering new facets of their personalities. The dialog was true to the character and it helped me understand the characters emotions.

Category Name: Setting

The setting created a haze in my mind that detracted from the story. I am lost in time and space because I don’t know when or where this story takes place. The setting was described adequately, but not well enough to bring it to life in my mind. The setting did not add to or detract from the story. I am pretty sure I know when and where the story takes place. The author engaged all of my senses while vividly describing the setting. The setting helped me better understand the setting and plot. I know when and where this story takes place.

The setting is where a story takes place. The choice of setting and its description helps the story come alive in the mind of the reader. Appropriate setting contributes to the plot and mood of the story.

Category Name: Mechanics

The story contained so many mechanical errors that it was hard to follow the plot or understand certain sentences or paragraphs. Occasional mechanical errors were distracting, but these errors did not inhibit me from being able to understand the plot or connect with characters in the story. I rarely if ever noticed mechanical errors. As far as I could tell, the writing was clear and correct.

Mechanics includes sentence structure, verb agreement, grammar, spelling, voice, punctuation and aspects of basic style.

Note: The purpose of ReviewFuse reviews is NOT to provide comprehensive copy editing, but rather to "ignite creativity." Reviewers should not feel obliged to point out every grammar or spelling error (though they certainly can if they wish), but should focus on this area only to the degree that errors make a story hard to follow or understand.

Inline comments are the most helpful and important aspects of your review.

Click on a paragraph or highlight text from the paragraph to provide inline comments. While detailed grammar correction is welcome, the purpose of inline commenting is to spark the author's creativity. This is best done by expressing feelings, questions, and concerns you have about the story while you are reading.

1.

2.    The rain fell down in heavy sheets as Jennifer stood by the side of the road, her whole life in front of her and already running away. A huge argument with her mom, she packed herself up in one small bag and headed out the door. It didn’t really matter what the argument was, they were basically all the same. It was a battle of wills, she was bound and determined to be independent and her mom was diametrically opposed to her new found freedom. So, here she stood on the side of the road, in the pouring rain and trying to find enough courage to lift up her thumb. Hitchhiking scared the hell out of her and she had visions of what could happen to a pretty young girl like herself.

3.   She spoke out loud to the deserted highway as if half expecting some divine intervention, “Please, please……I really need some help here. What the hell should I do? I can’t just go home, I have to prove to my mom that I can survive on my own”,   she prayed out loud to no one in particular.

4.   And, suddenly, like the hand of God had just reached down from on high, a sleek, red Camaro zoomed around the bend and into view. It had to be fate, it had to be that same divine intervention she had pleaded for moments before. Jennifer moved towards the road and raised her thumb high. As she did, she focused her attention on the face of the driver that was fast approaching. Even before his car rolled to a stop, they had met eyes and made a connection. This guy was hot! He had short blonde hair, blue eyes that penetrated her mind and a body that was cut from stone.

5.   He pulled the car in close and rolled down the window. “Hi, my name is Mike, and yours?” he said leaning back in his seat to avoid the rain.

6.   “I’m Jen.” , she said with her best smile.  “Im just hoping to get the hell out of this rainstorm. Could you give me a ride to anywhere?”

7.   Mike stared at her for what seemed like minutes and finally said, “A wet girl on the road to nowhere? *****, it’s my lucky day! Hop in and Ill drive you wherever you want to go!”

8.   She climbed in and buckled up as Mike continued the conversation he had started a few minutes before.” So Jen, what’s a hot girl like you doing out on the highway on a nasty night like this? Did your boyfriend dump you or something?”

9.   Jen didn’t answer immediately, she knew she couldn’t really tell this hunk of a guy that she had a fight with her mommy. She had never been with a guy before, never even really had a boyfriend but that seemed like the logical direction to head. “Yeah, he is a real *****. He dumped me because I was sick of him doing drugs.” she lied. “All he ever wanted to do was get high. Can you imagine that? A pretty girl like me and he didn’t even give me the time of day!.”

10.   The car rolled down the highway to nowhere and an awkward silence fell between the two. She was wet, cold and shivering and he was intently looking at the road. Mike reached over to turn the radio on and Jen drew back toward the door in a defensive move.

11.  “Take it easy, chick, its not like Im a killer or anything,  Im just turning on some tunes. What kind of music do you dig?”

12.   Jen felt immediately stupid for her reaction and smiled a shamed smile while telling Mike to turn on some rock n roll. He grabbed the radio dial and started his search. He found country music, soul, pop, and even some talk radio station where they were talking about the finer points of shaving a dog. But there was no rock n roll to be found!

13.   “Don’t worry Jen, Ive got a great mix cd of rock n roll songs around here somewhere” Mike said with a smile. His smile was music in itself to her, she had never felt so attracted to a guy in her life. The top part of her body was wet and cold with rain but the bottom portion was wet and hot with excitement. She focused on Mike as they rolled down the road and he searched for the cd. He reached behind him and she watched as his arm muscles flexed and contracted. He was definitely a man to behold. He reached down between the seats but he came up only with the stare of that 16 year old girl sitting right next to him. She was mesmerized and he was damned and determined to find that cd!

14.  Finally it dawned on him, the cd he was searching for was probably in the glove box. “Jen”, he said smugly and satisfied with himself, “Would you mind looking in the glove box? I do believe the cd is in there.”

15.   She reached out and opened the glove box in one swift move. As if spring loaded, the top item inside the glove box shot out and fell to the floor. Jen looked down at the floor and the horror of it all swept over her like cold air released into a warm shower room. She stared down at a bloody,  severed hand of a female that had moments before been stuffed into the glove box. The reality of her fate swept over her like a huge grey cloud blotting out the sun.

16.   The killing didn’t take long, the chopping of the body took a bit longer. It was a bloody and gory scene but in due time the deed was done. The newly severed hand was retrieved, a ring was forcefully removed and pocketed and the hand was placed inside the glove box in waiting for the next victim. The car was given a spit shine inside and out and it was back on the road with one less life along for the ride. 

17.   The rain had subsided and sunlight cracked the sky of clouds as the red Camaro sped back toward town. And, there on the side of the road, in the same place Jennifer had stood hours before, was another victim waiting to be had. She was young, looked to be mighty sweet and definitely ripe for the picking. The car pulled alongside and the young girl peered in.

18.   “Hey”, she said. “Im only looking to make it back in town. Think you can give me a ride?”

19.    “It would be my pleasure!” Jennifer said through a killer’s smile. “Im always up to giving a young girl a hand!”         

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